OCR::/Vol_089/WLURG39_RTP_19900401/WLURG39_RTP_19900401_001.2.txt as 3 <3 0 o A APR ‘3 i990 " ’ ‘irritant-es. W a 5 r‘. -I *1 "* .'&€*T=‘x ....::.r<.’=,”“.', ‘~15. ' - in‘ City: ilting-tum lfllri VOLUME 89, NO.pe WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIVERSITY LEXINGTON, VIRGINIA Apfil1,1990 Dumas declares he is in charge ‘I do declare! Bring me another mint julep’ By Royal Smart Guy Smart Guy Extraordinaire EDITOR'S NOTE: This story was edited by Czar Willie’: censors prior to publication. Czar Willie III has declared martial law in an unprece- dented move to retain power and keep it out of the hands of the proletariat. Wil1ie’s forces also overran the offices of The Ring- tum Phi and have taken control of the editorial content. I The editors, Stacy Morrison and Greg Euston, were bound 4 4 o J. x .- 95¢?“ ‘C. A‘. Czar Willie III ...siezes power in bloodless coup and gagged, while staff floozie Genienne Mongno was taken to Willie's harem. “I like to think of Washington and Lee as my back forty,” said Czar Willie, tipping his panama hat as he called for the dissolution of the Executive Committee and the administration. According to confidential sources within the regime, his mad majesty has indentured former-president John Wilson and fired the remaining administrators. Sadly, however, Dean Leroy C. “Buddy” Atkins drowned in a consuming puddle before he heard news of his dismissal (see story elsewhere on this page). Immediately following the coup, Willie tossed Wilson out of the Lee House and into shackles. “I need a palace fit for a king, if I am to be general- isimo,” Willie was heard to exclaim as he put his foot on Wilson, who was bringing him a mint julep. When asked about the recent Law School secession, Willie answered, “Eh, let’em go. Who needs that ilk.” One Willie supporter, Robert J. deMaria, a professor of journalism, said “I su.re am glad old Willard did this before the Student Telephone Union did.” STU representatives failed to comment on the Dumas coup because they believed the moves fail to affect their independent organization. But Field Marshall John Fialcowitz is reported to have mobilized troops against the STU stronghold, though defenders have taken the war cry “Death Before Dumas.” Czar Willie, formerly Willard L. Dumas III, had recently been voted out of office by the slim margin of oh, say, 50 percent. The sheer disappointment, sources say, caused Dumas toigo nose-first into a mental abyss. Sources say Dumas woke yesterday morning believing he was Czar Willie III, the sole male descendant of that autocrat of autocrats, Maurice “Baby Doc” Duvalier, last ruler of the peaceful tropical isle of Haiti. Hello ther, littl bo! Washington and Lee ethics Prof. Louis W. Hodges is caught in the act of attacking three small children at the Kings Dominion theme park last weekend. Hodges was arrested for eating three other children earlier In the day. He said he plans to enter the Hansel and Gretel Memorial Childovores Clinic while awaiting trial. Trustees double tuition and say, ‘suck it up’ By a W&L News Office Flack Washington and Lee's Board of Trustees voted Monday night to double the school’s tuition for the 1990-91 school year, according to unnamed sources. “Everyone knows students at W&L can afford to pay at least $20,0()0 a year in tuition,” said Trustee Beverly DuBose. “If they want financial aid, they can sell their damn BMW's. They’re just gonna have to suck it up.” In October, W&L was named a “best buy" in liberal arts colleges by U.S. News and World Report. The magazine quoted W&L's yearly tuition as $10,100. Under the plan expected to be passed by the trustees at their next meeting, that figure would be doubled to $20,200. ' ’ “Who the hell wants to be a best buy?” demanded DuBose. “If you want a best buy, then go to Wal-Mart and get a nylon leisure suit for $2.50. If you want a W&L education, you better expect to pay through the nose just like everyone else.” According to a source close to the trus- tees, who asked that his name not be printed in this story because of possible violent attempts at retribution, the trustees have not yet decided what to do with the windfall of money the increase will bring. Among the many plans currently being allegedly considered is the construction of a new performing arts center where Liberty Hall now stands.Upon completion, the theater, which would cost $4.75 million, would hold all 75 of W&L’s notoriously rabid drama fans. It is not known how this new theater would affect the Lenfest Center, which is expected to be completed next fall. “You can never have too many perform- ing arts centers,” said Coordinator of Capital Plarming Frank Parsons. The trustees, according to the source, will also set aside $45.50 from the general fund to solve the housing needs of fraternity members dislodged by the upcoming renovation of W&L’s fraternity houses.That money will be used to pay for one night's accommodation in the Quality Inn in Raphine, Va, located about 20 miles away from campus, sources say. According to the source, the approximately 70 students‘ displaced in the renovation will be given the one-bedroom “Bob and Delores Hope” suite for their own use one night during fall tenn of next year. After the money is used up, students will be left to fend for themselves. Ironically, the Quality Inn was the scene of a disastrous fraternity party last spring which resulted in the wanton destruction of tables, ceiling tiles and a hot tub, according to the recently deceased Associate Dean of Students Leroy C. “I Desperately Need A New Nickname” Atkins. To insure that the fraternity members do not cause any trouble in the Quality Irm, Lexington Police Officer Fred Smith will be in constant attendance. “I’m gonna arrest all those little bastards for drunk in public, resisting arrest, and public urination," Smith said. According to DuBose, the tuition increase will “kill two birds with one stone.” “If they can’t afford the new tuition, then students will have to sell their cars,” said DuBose. “When that happens, there will no longer be a need for more parking on carn- pus.” DuBose said the school has r:-o plans to add any parking facilities in the future. “Students wishing to park their cars near campus are encouraged to go to Harris- Teeter,” he said. ‘Buddy’ drowns in puddle By I-I.E. “The real Buddy” Derrick Staff Reporter Washington and Lee University Dean of Greek Affairs Leroy “Bud- dy” Atkins drowned Tuesday in a puddle between the ODK circle and the Commerce school. One student dived into the water to try to save Atkins, but his efforts were unsuccessful. Journalism student Linda McCor- mack, a bystander who saw Atkins floundering in the water, called for help. An unidentified student dived in to try to rescue Atkins, but was un- able to pull the dean out in time to save his life. “I had him, and I could have saved him, but then he just slipped out of my hands and was gone,” the student, thought to be a member of the Sigma Aqua fraternity, said. McCorrnack, who is famous in her home state for five daring water rescues of her own, said, “I would have gone in to save him myself, but I just didn’t feel like getting wet this time. The water was too cold." An ambulance was called and police divers dragged the bottom of the puddle for Atkins’ body, which was recovered about 45 minutes after he disappeared into the cold, brown water. Farnie “points or cash” Lewis, a cashier in the Co-op, said that she saw the whole thing happen. “I was just getting off work and walking to my car when I saw that little man trying to wade through the puddle in his galoshes. He must have hit a drop off or something, because all of the sudden he just disap- peared” The puddle accumulated after last weekends heavy rains. Police report that the water level was four inches above flood stage at the time of the incident. Buildings and Grounds Depart- ment head James Arthur said that he’s been trying to get funding for a new drainage system for the site, but that University money has been tied up in other projects. “Frank Parsons [W&L coordinator of capital development] promised that we could have the money to’ fix the problem as soon as the Lenfest Cen- ter and the Fraternity Renaissance and the addition to the science buildings and the new student center and the new skyboxes in the Wilson field bleachers and the new sub-Colonnade parking garage and the twenty story addition to the C-school were all completed.’ ‘ A memorial service for Atkins will be held in the Newcomb Hall first-floor utility closet on Friday e ay 5 earh moved I The coup of Czar Willie, lll, shook up so much more than just the Washington and Lee community. When this tree heard, it just fell apart. Until yesterday, this was the oldest oak tree in Lexington. But everything aside, it was good weather for a coup. night at 11:30. To enable Atkins’ life work to continue after his death, a scholarshi'p fund has been set up in his honor to benefit any and all Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity members. The family requests that donations be made to this fund in lieu of flow- ers or pipe-bombs being sent to the funeral. FD over budget; SAB resigns By Baghwan Ghita Staff Reporter The Student Activities Executive , Board abruptly resigned Tuesday when the figures for the 1990 Fancy Dress Ball were released. An anonymous spokeswoman from the board informed newly ordained, self-proclaimed czar Willard III that the graft and corruption within the organization had “resulted in the complete erosion of confidence of anyone, anywhere, in its competen- cy.” SAB chairman Charles Conklin, last seen boarding the SAB Lear jet housed in Roanoke, had assured The Ring-tum Phi last week in an inter- view that the Fancy Dress profit would “exceed everyone’s wildest W&L Law School By Phillip Morris Staff Reporter The Washington and Lee Law School‘ seceded from the university Tuesday night, after a meeting of the Law School Federalist Society. In a meeting that lasted three and a half hours in which 305 law stu- dents participated, first year law student Mitch Neurock passed around a petition calling for secession. Student Bar Association President John Falk railed against secession, arguing on behalf of a unified Honor System. On Neurock’s petition, Falk said later, “Neurock’s an idiot, and we ought to tar, feather, and kick him out of school.” Later, after the meeting, Neurock gathered a group of about 60 law students who ran around the universi- ty partially and completely unclothed, chanting, “No way...we won’t stay!” After the meeting ended, Law School Dean “Feelin” Randy Bezan- son held a three-martini late-night pow-wow with university President John Wilson, and members of the Board of Trustees, who happened to be in town for a meeting of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos. Wednesday morning the Board of Trustees issued a simple statement, “The W&L Law School has been sold to the law school students on a cooperative basis for the amount of $67.12.” When pressed to answer what the $67.12 was spent on, a board mem- ber reluctantly revealed that the board had bought a keg and lamented their loss. expectations...probably a profit two times in excess of the $70,000 bud- get.” But our unnamed source claimed otherwise. She said, “Unexpected board expenditures this year will erode any profits, and probably cost between $450,000-500,000.” Among the larger expenses not itemized in the FD budget were the long-term lease on the board's Lear jet, the hand-tailored leisure suits bought for formal board events, and the purchase of a suite at the Key- det-General Hotel for board "recre- ation". FD Chairman Alex Hitz, reached at the Keydet-General, re- sponded to this latest crisis in SAB management by reflecting on his qualifications for the job. “I do not believe, after my own experience and Cl Please see QUITTERS page 3 secedes Newly self-proclaimed Student Body Czar Willie Dumas was not as easy to give in. Shortly after the statement was issued, Willie gathered his EC army and formed a protest line around Bezanson’s house, refus- ing to let him return to campus Wed- nesday. Bezanson managed to make one phone call before the Executive Com- mittee’s operations expert, Chris Gib- lin, cut the phone lines. Within min- utes the board members showed up and outnumbered the EC members, forcing them to give up. Following the incident, Willie decided that perhaps Neurock had a point. “After all,” Willie rational- ized, “now the SAB won’t have to allocate any of its budget to the law goobs.” OCR::/Vol_089/WLURG39_RTP_19900401/WLURG39_RTP_19900401_002.2.txt OPINION The Ring-tum Phi, April 1, 1990 Armchair Ethics The problem with journalists today is they have no ethics at all. For instance, in today’s The Ring-tum Phi several un- named sources are used. Journalists are expected to consider the question whether or not to use a confidential source’s name while writing his story. If the reporter did name his source, the source could suffer serious retribution from the people he blew the whistle on, like a fellow named Luigi who might break his knees. Washington and Lee’s “young reporter,” Clark Mollen- hoff, has written extensively on the subject of anonymous attribution. He believes anonymous attribution allows the whistle-blower to hide his motives and at the same time give the accused an upset stomach. Other journalists pray to the god of the anonymous source. They use the words “confidential sources say” like an artist uses paint. We at the Phi try to walk the line and find a place for the anonymous source, but to use him sparingly because he steals from our credibility. The reporter must ask himself if the credibility added to the story and the value of the information he has only by this source is worth the risk to this one, single person, who he’ll probably never ever see again. Well of course it is. Use his name, run his photograph, walk all over him. No, no, no. Just joking. As journalists of the highest order, we would feel obligated to our sources if a sig- nificant danger for them is involved. For instance, every unnamed source in today’s paper is actually the same person. It would be unethical to give his name, which happens to be E. Amie Fitzgerald. People could look in the phone book and find his address, which is 404 Gaines Dormitory, and his phone number is 464-3683. We would never wish that on anybody. Further, we would never ever run a photograph of the anonymous source, like the one to the right. This picture of Amie was taken just last year, when he was a freshman. Nope, purely un-ethical. Anybody could recognize him on streets. Never do that to an anony- mous source. Intimate details about the source’s life are way off limits. We would never tell you that Arnie smokes dope, or that he keeps his stash hidden in a carved out thesaurus. He’s not really worried that the police might find it, because that’s where he got it. He is worried about his roommate though, who smokes the stuff like a chimney. Well, that’s today’s ethical lesson. We did learn that you shouldn’t print an anonymous source’s name, unless it’s just a good friend anyway who won’t mind when Luigi comes knocking on his door. Just kidding Needless to say, we’ve had a helluva lot of fun putting together this week’s so-called Ring-tum Phi, and we hope everyone gets a kick out of it. All the facts and quotations in this issue are fictitious or semi-fictitious ones cooked up by the Phi staff. The photographs have also been subject to a little game-playing. We hope our readers and the victims enjoy our April Fool’s fun. Remember.... It’s only a joke! Quote of the week . “Loincloths, swinging from vines, we dig the whole grg._ Jim Ambrostnt, Love Native Extrodinaire, on the new motion picture offer from Steven Speilberg. SE 6 PR£$'ll/\£l\l. iii see -F-‘n£l‘erni'l'ieS l0a.Z€-. iigit S22. l'—‘R£5H A2/V R‘/51/, D Looking back as a liberal MY VOO DOO By Robert J. de Maria Modern economic historians have recorded a crazy-quilt pattern of mergers, take—overs and other fiscal shenanigans that would have made the late- eighties bad-boy Ivan Boesky puff up with pride. Since the days of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, Wall Street powerhouses ran rough shod over the financial prairie. I recall a conversation 10 years ago. I had just taken an entire class period bemoaning the fact that merger mania had tainted the hallowed halls of Ivy. Two universities — one from Japan and one from West Virginia — had merged. After the class, I was confronted by an Associate Editor of the The Ring-tum Phi, Jim Lake. Lake, a senior back in 1990, was then the neo-conservative voice of My alarmism was nothing more than another irrational revisionist tirade fueled by my sixties permissiveness. reason. Yes, the same Jim Lake who is now the Press Secretary for President Jesse Jackson. But, I digress. I was decrying the fact that Takei University had rescued the economically weak Salem Univer- sity of West Virginia. I expressed disgust that higher education had become a business, like any other firm hawking its wares in the market place. I recalled that Lake chastised me in front of a group of fellow faculty members, telling me that my alarmism was nothing more than another irra- tional revisionist tirade fueled by my sixties per- missiveness. Last week, in The Village Voice, Lake rightly attacked Georgetown University for accepting “30 pieces of silver" from Donald Trump, becoming Georgetown/I‘rump-;t1e-University. Serious business this. I never thought I could agree with Lake, but time has wizened us all. The time has come to unfurl our barmers. Let us call a halt to the post Reagan-Bush VooDoo economics. We must raise our voices in righteous indignation. Let us circulate petitions supporting Lake. In so doing, we must impress upon President Jackson that the time to strike is now! He must see the truth: the private _ sector with its philosophy of profits no matter what the cost is wrong. Pick up your petitions in The Ring-tum Phi offices. The address is c/o the Eddie Murphy Tele- communications center, Arsenio Hall, Room 200, Washington and Lee University. The W&L-VMI coeducation cover-up 2 l ) Freshmen, P/e..§J]° I’M SKEWED By Fred Schwab I've had it with the rumor and innuendo splashed across the pages of The Ring-tum Phi. We've been fol- lowing the story for weeks, but now, thanks only to the efforts of Keydet reporter Liz Smith and the VMI campus news (beige journalism at its best), the facts have at last been straightened out. I saw the article during a break in the action last Saturday night at Har- ris Teeter, where I work part-time as a bag boy. (Do students realize that most W&L faculty, thanks to lousy hold second jobs? I earned the job by virtue of my victory in this year’s Lip Synch Competition, rendering a smash version of the larnbada tune, “Paper or Plastic.") At any rate, as I waited for a group of Phi Delts fresh from community choir practice to panhandle enough spare change to pay for their six packs of club soda, my eyes quickly skimmed the account accurately rendered by the VMI newspaper. According to its article, the ern- barrassing incident did occur, al- though not, as originally rumored, on the ski slopes of Aspen. It happened instead just this side of Virginia Beach, on the slopes of Mount Trash- more, the brand new ski resort Bill to be a Virginia landfill project. It seems that President John Wil- son of W&L (affectionately known as “The John”), and Superintendent John Knapp of VMI (referred to on the post as “The Head”), were en- joying the midwinter holiday recently awarded jointly to their institutions for “exceptional achievement in higher education",by. the Board of Editors of National Review. Evidently, as the two schussed down the slope, skillfully avoiding egg cartons and orange rinds, “The Head" nearly careened into a dis- grtmtled group of VMI grads who identified themselves as “Men Against Realistic Legal Association” (MARLA). A couple of knowing “The John” had been involved in some sort of clandestine relationship with MARLA for some time. Now, reports the VMI rag (and WHERE was the Phil), it seems that a “Pre-Coeducational Agreement” exists that was jointly signed by “The Head” and “The John" three years ago (and updated as recently as three months ago). The exact details are sketchy, but the VMI paper sug- gests it hinges on the following. If “The John" and his cohorts on the Hill support the efforts of the federal government to bring VMI out of the 18th century (where it belongs) and into the 19th century (where W&L finally advanced to thanks to coedu- Ehr filing-tttm lfilti STUDENT LIBELER OF WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIVERSITY Found September 18, 1897 Lost March 30, 1990 Big Bunny ................. ..Stacy "She’s-So-Great-We-Love-Her" Morrison Chief Fraternity—Basher ......................................................... ..Greg Euston Staff Flomie Genienne Mongno Asshole .... ..Jarnes Lake Short Editor ..Cathy Lopiccolo Buzz Empress Tina Vandersteel Entertaining Editor .Parnela Kelley Staff Sunshine-boy ...... ..Jay Plotkin Staff Fij Cheese Alesha Priebe Staff Art Phagg .....Jeff Woodland Honey in charge of penny-pinching .................................... ..Anne Dysart Author of the Buddy Atkins story ........................................ ..Jason Kelly Staff Clowns .............................................. ..Alan Litvak, Clint Robinson The Ring-tum Phi is‘ published Thursdays during the undergraduate school year at Washington and Lee University, Lexington, Virginia. Funding for The Ring-tum Phi comes primarily from advertising, but also from a portion of the Lexington car tax. The Washington and Lee Publications Board elects the chief editors and business manager, but The Ring-tum Phi is otherwise independent — unless Czar Willie doesn't like a story; in that case, we leave it out. Letters and other submissions must be in the Phi office, Room 208 of the University Center, by noon on Tuesday to appear in that week’s edition. This newspaper observes -— from afar —- current court definitions of libel and obscenity. The Ring—tum Phi Post Office Box 899 Lexington, Virginia 24450 university compensation, typically Make a run for the border This grievance is not directed to the stupid $5 fee of the registrar's office, nor the worthless P.E. procedures that everyone must endure every registration period. It is not even about the insidious parking situation in this god-forsaken town, which we all know is horrific enough. I want to know why Lexington/Rockbridge County is one of only 108 counties in the entire nation to not have a Taco—Bell. I don’t even want to hear that garbage about “we have enough junk food in this town al- ready.” Taco-Bell serves quality, wholesome, Tex-Mex style food for a reasonable charge. It seems as though there is an aversion to this type of food in this valley, a place where Chi-Chi’s provides the ONLY authentic (HA!) Mexican food within 350 miles. It seems to me that, if $13 million can be sunk into a theatre for eight drama majors, then $200,000 could be sucked out of some fat cat alum for a Taco-Bell franchise. If they really want to help the students survive, I mean live in this town, then this is the only way to do it. Southem Bell, ’93 Daughter of Taco Bell, Founder, '69 Jobless wonders I thought the staff of The Ring-tum Phi was supposed to be so talented. If that is so, why can’t your Editorial-Page Editor find a job? Sincerely, Confused in Career Placement EDITOR'S NOTE: You suck. Go to hell. Circulate this! Last week we, the staff clowns, received our first hate mail from a subscriber. This man was upset because he was not receiving his Phis in a timely fashion. We would like to address this problem before we received any more mail. Our stand is that we just don’t care. We’ve already been fired once this year, and the chances of us getting this job again next year are about the same as President Wilson not Steams has developed on what used LETTERS tuming W&L into the next Davidson. This job is simply a resume filler — nothing more. If the Phi can find someone else to do this mindless dead- end job then that's O.K. with us! But, let us assure you (our subscribers) that harassing us with your petty complaints will not get you your paper any quicker. The winter is over and you don’t need the Phis to light your fires anymore - so get off our backs. Sincerely ! l The staff clowns Cops on top I am an underclassman, so forgive my naive- ness, but I think that maybe the Lexington police are a little over-protective. Last weekend, some of my girlfriends went with me out on Washing- ton Street to several fraternity parties. Well, to make a long story short, I scammed on three brothers upstairs and was left by my friends. When they threw me out of the house, a police- man befriended me and offered to escort me back to the dorm. When we got back to my room, he said he needed to come in and secure the place. Well, embarrassing as it is, he is now escorting me every weekend wherever I go. I didn't realize the police force was so “friendly" here in Lexington, yet I find no one will let me and my escort into their parties. If I end our little “relationship," I’ll probably wind up in the slamrner next weekend for solicitation! What should I do?? Copped out, Samantha Slught, ’93 EDITOR'S NOTE: Ms. Slught, well, we never! We all have our crosses to bare, and we of the stafl feel, after careful consideration, that you should go ahead and ‘DO THE WILD THING with this member of lhe Lex P.D. We hope, of course, that it is Oflicer Smith. Less Sbar, more Nicaragua Dear Editorial-Page Editor: Why does Jon Sbar’s column have to appear in each week’s issue? I'm sick of his childish rumblings on the absurd. If it were of any humorous quality, like I hear the parody issue glances convinced “The Head” that El Please see SKEWED page 3 will be, I wouldn't mind it so much. If you didn't run the “Sbar Side” each week, you'd have more room for real issues, like the situation in Nicaragua, for example, or abortion. Otherwise, I’d love to see some more reprints from the Tar Heel. Respectfully, J. Cameron Humphreys, ’93 Oh! de toilette I would like to comment on the dangerous size of the toilet seats in the University Library. I mean, you could actually fall into the commode if you're not careful! Was the builder planning for beached whales to relieve themselves in there, or what? I realize that the gross tonnage of the average W&L student seems to have increased since coeducation five years ago, but those cans were installed when the building was completed in 1979! I have brought this to the attention of the librarian, but she said she doesn't have a problem with their size. Please negotiate a new contract for smaller toilet seats, or install 2 X 4s in every stall. Relieved, Tiny Tush, '92 P.S. — Is it true that the toilet pipes are directly connected to the dining hall water supply? Mirror, mirror on the wall... Dear Diary: Something awful happened today. When I went to pick up my cleaning, the damn fools hadn't starch my shirts enough. Then, I had to go to the Warner Center and face all the FD workers without my suede belt. 0 corruna the shame of it all... EDITOR'S NOTE: The next paragraph was omitted because the editorial stafl felt it would reveal the identity of the author. Here I am in my newly-starched p.j.s with the monogram on the pocket. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the budget’s in keep, and if they kill me, please bury me in one of those fab shirts from Gatsby's closet. EDITOR'S NOTE: The preceding page of this diary was reprinted without permission. ‘- 4'4""..aF-I-b-'9’-4“42'-0 apa- OCR::/Vol_089/WLURG39_RTP_19900401/WLURG39_RTP_19900401_003.2.txt bonkers By Carmelita Mendez Staff Reporter 1 1 Word has come back to a stunned Washington and Lee campus today from Sunnyview Mental Institution iii Bismark, North Dakota, where James W. Worth, University Counseling Psychologist, has been pro- nounced “clinically insane,” according to head tiosychologist of the institution, Homer Q. Klinefelter. ,, Worth was sent to the top mental institution in the nation for treatment following his crazed rampage in duPont Hall two weeks ago. , According to university security, Worth was found running through the halls of the duPont Gallery wearing only a pair of undershorts and a stethoscope ip the early hours of Saturday morning. ‘ Apparently Worth was carrying a large picture of IDean Anne Shroer-Lamont and was screaming at the top of his lungs “that the true Mona Lisa must be isplayed.” y Worth proceeded to tear down various works of art, denouncing them as “so many pieces of trash,” pparently in search of proper placement of Shroer- Lamont’s portrait. In an interview with university security, Agent Baner of Parking Control was called in to handle this sensitive situation. Baner stated that when he arrived at the scene Worth was acting “like those crazy horses at the ro- deo.” Fearing for his life and that of his fellow officers is Worth began to hurl pottery, Agent Baner acted ,swiftly to subdue the crazed psychologist with his stun gun, now carried by all university security personnel. The Fling-tum Phl, April 1, 1990 Agent Baner writes Worth off. Agent Baner stated “I didr1’t want to have to zap the poor dude, but the pottery launching was the final straw.” Sources told the Phi that the ROTC department was told to place their crack anti~terrorist squad on full alert, in case the situation warranted full military intervention. Worth was quoted as saying before passing out as he tightly clutched Shroer-Larnont’s picture “my passion for true artwork will not be quenched.” President Wilson refused the Phi’s request for corrirnent. Renaissance plans to house i‘ y Why B. Normal Staff Reporter r‘ The W&L Fraternity Renaissance, sfheduled to begin in the spring, has unearthed some serious logistical and housing concerns, which were quelled in a forum Tuesday night by Wash- iflgton and Lee President, "Dacron" John Wilson. The forum was held in the grand lobby of the as-yet unfinished Lenfest Center for the Performing and Audio- SKEWED tgom page 2 Visual Stereofonic and Psychadelic Arts, touted as the grandest fine arts center east of Bluefield, W.Va. north of Hickory, N.C., and west of Am- herst, Va. The attendees, among them the entire Performing Arts faculty and Kevin Nash, braved sub-zero tempera- tures to hear Wilson explain what steps the university will take to house road school girls during the reconstru- ction of the 16 houses. "Most of our boys will be in Woods Geek Central, but I’m pleased cation), the ‘ ‘Pre-Coeducational Agreement’ ’ goes into immediate ieiifect. Under temis of the agreement, VMI not only gets custody of the it-.-w Lenfest Center, but is also enti- ti, -d to $5 million of the $10 rriillion rattsrnity Renaissance Fund” re- cently seized by the city of Lexing- ‘ n because the W&L Administration nad illegally designated it to fix up a .,~ries of derelict residence halls not zr met; for such a purpose. (The agree- i lent also gives the Panhellenic t‘,ouncil a half-vote on the VMI board of Visitors). ‘ Where all this leads is anybody’s guess. I frankly couldn’t care less bfrcause I can’t lose. As a U.S. citi- zin and a Virginia resident, my fede- ml taxes pay for the prosecution, my szate taxes for the defense! What a deal! What really ticks me off is the incompetence on the part of The ]l;ng—tum Phi. Why was this story broken by the crummy VMI news- paper, and not you guys? You (only ircornpletely) represent the institution . . . , z .. i l 5 I arsten Amlle, ’90, Talkback eporter, Coral Gables, Fla. — “Great toilet reading.” with the oldest (iirst?, best?) School of Journalism. You have a long sor- did history of this and I’m fed up with incompetent reporting. Let’s get with it. Reminds me of the prank last year when the so-called reliable press tried to suggest there was some sort of “deal” between the Reagan Ad- ministration and Iran to exchange hostages for arms, eventually divert- ing profits to aid the Contras. Talk about unbelievable! EDITOR'S NOTE: Until very re- cently, Professor Schwab was a mem- ber of the faculty in good standing in what is conceded to be W&L's finest academic department: Geology. He has recently accepted a full-time posi-' tion with the Kroger organization. When asked about the curious coinci- dence ingmingggtyvgen the writing of this article and Schwab’s abrupt de- parture from the W&L faculty, univer- sity Minister of Propaganda Brian Shaw, with typical gracious forthright- ness, responded, “Get lost, dirtbag/.’ No comment!" road cheese at Horse Center to announce that we have cut a deal with the Virginia Horse Center to turn the new indoor arena into week- end housing for road cheese," Wilson said. Horse Center spokesperson Bea Stiality remarked, "This unique agreement allows for the arena to be used for housing and showing studs Monday through Friday, and bitches on the weekend, with virtually no alterations." While Wilson admits some road women may be galled at the thought of sleeping in a barn, "most of them, . don’t know , where they will sleep, when they arrive in Lexington anyw- ay, so we are providing a service long overdue." Renaissance Color Coordinator Big Al Schlitz, reached at his Key- det-General office, said ''I am really pleased about this agreement. Those road girls were interfering with my creative abilities, telling me how to mix and match my color schemes...it was just dreadful." Wilson has transferred the duties of Fraternity Dean "Bud Man" At- kins, who died in a freak drowning incident in front of the Co-op Tues- day afternoon, to current Minority Student Dean Aneece McCloud, who was last seen attending an emergency meeting with Czar Willie III at his Winter palace on Washington Street. When members of the Performing Arts faculty were asked to comment on Wilson’s plan, they collectively remarked, "Gee, won't this room be great’? We can have receptions and show art and waste lots of our en- dowment. This building really is essential, you know that, don’t you?" This agreement will commence with the first annual Alurnni-Road Bimbo electric jello shootoff to be held on the upper fields April 26-28. QUITTERS from page 1 Fancy Dress Balls, that anyone’s prior experience can be considered as qualifying. I don’t care anyway be- cause last week I accepted the posi- tion as Chairman of Color Coordinat- ing Fraternity Renaissance. The leisure suits were my idea and were completely feasible since our charge accounts at Peebles and Wal-Mart were closed. This whole image thing is something I'm going to be doing a lot more of with this new job.” Hill Ski-lift on the way By Christopher Robin Staff Reporter The Board of Trustees met last week in a special emergency session by request of President John Wilson to discuss the feasibility and the urgency of constructing a student transportation system from the Jeffer- son Street parking lot to the middle of the Colonnade. In an interview Pres. Wilson stated that this plan basically con- sisted of “sort of a chair lift, like at ski resorts” to transport students from the “Corral” to the hill. Wilson stated that the University is trying to solve the problem of drastically reduced student attendance of classes. In a random sampling of repeat Associate Dean of Fraternity Af- fairs Leroy “Your Buddy and Mine” Atkins was shocked when he received news of the mounting debt from His Imperial Highness Willie III. Shortly before his untimely drowning, Atkins was overheard lamenting, “This time, Dacron John is really gonna hose me. I’m going to swim in this mess for a long time.” Reacting to the news of the SAB’s resignations at their Loyal Most students who blow off classes do so because they are too damn lazy to walk up the Hill. attendance offenders, most stated that the reason they blew off many of their classes was because they were “too damn tired to walk up the Hill.” President Wilson added that this proposal has him “elated and opti- mistic” and that he is “willing to ram it down the trustees’ throats to get it.” The most serious problem seems to originate in the area of the five Red Square fraternities, where the Showing their stuff Order of Water Buffalos’s meeting, Board of Trustees Campus Life Coor- dinator John Thomas Touchton an- nounced reluctantly that charges were , being filed in Rockbridge District Court against Hitz and Conklin. “I was so looking forward to Hitz’s ideas on color coordinating me new fraternity houses, but if I don’t take action, big Fran (Francis Lewis, . outgoing board member) will kick my butt clear outta town,” he said. a .!‘2--.*; steepness of the hill leading to the‘:‘W" Colonnade makes a walk to class especially grueling according to Wii—;f¢_.; son. Responding to pressure from ' many professors to find a solution to‘_ the attendance problem, the Universi- ty decided to attack the hill steepness question. “Major renovation to the land structure was ruled out,” according to Wilson, “but the chair lift proposal 3:»-P‘. seems like a fine idea, and a much‘- tr“ needed one I rriight add.” ' 5 According to University Architect ,_ ‘- Frank Parsons, the chair lift would originate at the base of Henry Street and drop students off between New- comb and Payne Halls, Parsons said it “would eliminate the need to force students to make the climb to class each morning.” Seniors Brandon Canaday, Steve Mueller and Mark Milligan show off their equipment. Rush moved to junior year By I.P. Frehley Staff Reporter Washington and Lee President John W. Wilson announced yesterday to the Inter-Fraternity Council his plans to move rush once again. This time, however, Wilson- wants rush to take place in spring term of a‘ student’s junior year. “I want to give students plenty of time to adjust to college before they have to go through the difficult and confusing rush procedure,” he told the slightly bewildered council. “I figure three years should about do it." In accordance with these new rush rules, fraternities are not allowed to BACKTALK make contact with prospective rushees until the third week of April in their junior year, meaning seniors will not be able to engage in social activities with roughly 3/4 of the male popula- tion at Washington and Lee. Not wanting to discriminate, sen- iors will also not be allowed to make contact with 3/4 of the female pop- ulation of W&L, as well as most domestic animals. Confronted with this fact, Leroy ’Buddy’ Atkins warned last week, “They’ll have to learn to deal with it.” In place of fraternity parties, Wil- son plans to encourage future stu- dents to partake in the plethora of social and cultural opportunities that the town of Lexington offers. What do you think of this year’s Phi? Jim Lake, ’90, Associate Editor, Charleston, S.C. - “We can't print that in the Phi without Czar Willie’s permission.” Genienne Mongno, ’90, As- sociate Editor, Manhasset, N.Y. — “No comment.” Greg Euston, Editor, ’90, Lex- ington, Va. — “We will print no Phis before it‘s time.” Stacy Morrison, Editor, ’90, Jenkintown, Pa. -— “It's why I'm failing out of school, but oh, it’s- great-I-love-it! ’ ’ In addition to this cornucopia of options, weekend bingo and badrrtitten tournaments will be added to the ’ social calendar. Fraternities did not take the news well. Atkins was swarmed by per- j turbed protestors who petitioned and argued with the Dean for hours ex- plaining that witliout fraternities lives of students would be as dull as his. Atkins remained unswayed and re- pledged his support for the president 1 whose house, by the way, was mys- teriously fire-bombed. Lexington police say they don’t have any leads although three Rockbridge County - terrorist groups have claimed respon- sibility. .-\ ' _ ‘ V. ,_d_ I . .. .. ». .i,., , . J, ‘ -. . '« ; .- ‘. Tina Vandersteel, ’90, Editorial- Page Editor, Alpine, NJ. — “It’s great, but it’s not helping me get an corporate finance an- alyst job.” .‘. « 5! OCR::/Vol_089/WLURG39_RTP_19900401/WLURG39_RTP_19900401_004.2.txt NEWS The Ring-tum Phl, April 1, 1990 4 Lex police kill naked student By Jon Sbar Staff Reporter A Washington and Lee student led Lexington Police Department officers and Central Intelligence Agency age- nts on a dramatic cross-carnpus chase before he was cornered and shot in Lee Chapel. Alaskan exchange student Eskimo Henderson died at Stop-Iri Conve- nience Store en route to the hospital at shortly after 11:30 that night. According to paramedic Sam Stitches, the ambulance was not driv- en directly to the hospital because the vehicle needed gas. “The ambulance needed gas, plus I was hungry," he said. “We never expected the guy to die like that. What a bummer,”he said. Henderson's drama began in the campus library after he was spotted foniicating with a Lexington High School student by Officer Joe Buck- shot. “I was patrolling the library when I happened to look in one of those private study rooms and saw those two fornicatin’ right there on the carpet,” said Buckshot. “The were grindin’ and flailin’ and carryin’ on and all in such a debacherous manner that I thought I was going to be sick.” A recently enacted taxation agree- ment between the Washington and Lee administration and the Lexington City Council empowers the police to patrol the campus in search of stu- dents who have not paid their car tax. According to police records, after Henderson noticed that he was being watched by a police officer, he disen- tangle himself from his partner and ran naked out of the study room. The female consort, whose name has been withheld because she is a minor, said Henderson's departure was abrupt. “One minute we're on the carpet having — well, a good time - and the next thing I know, Eskimo is gone,” she said. “He left everything. His khaki pants, his button down oxford, his W&L belt, his boots, his baseball cap, and even his check- book." Apparently, Henderson was not wearing underwear last night in the library. V Police said Buckshot pursued the fleeing Henderson out of the library and into the commerce school. In the C—school, Buckshot was joined by several CIA agents, who were on campus to recruit students for the agency. According to witnesses, Buckshot and the agents followed the naked fugitive into the University Center. With the authorities hot on his trail, Henderson crashed into a Stu- dent Activities Board meeting where board members were busy eating caviar and drinking champagne. SAB representative Buford “I take bribes" Beefcake said that Hender- son's intrusion ruined the meeting. “After that unclothed heathen ran through the room everyone their appetite and even had to throw out a perfectly good chocolate mousse." Henderson left the meeting through a back door and ran into the dining hall where the Panhellenic Eating Club was having lunch. At the sight of Hendeisori’s naked body, the women became rowdy and began pelting Buckshot and the CIA agents with cottage cheese and low calorie salad dressing. “Golly geez,” said a dining hall employee after the incident, “from the way those women carried on you'd think it was the first time they ever saw a naked man." Henderson exited the dining hall and ran across the colonnade into Lee Chapel where Dean Betty Beluwba was conducting a date rape clinic. Dean Beluwba was so enraged by the intrusion that she grabbed Henderson by the head. As Henderson struggled to break free of Beluwba, Officer Buckshot and the CIA agents moved close to the fugitive and fired bullets into the back of his head. “Its too bad that kid had to die that way," said Buckshot, “but I sure have to admit, I had fun killing him.." Tinsel Town beckons the FIJ By Some unrelated but closely associated fraternity president Hollywood movie producer Steven Speilberg approached Jim Ambrosirii and the Exotic, Erotic, Narcotic Love Natives to be a part of his next nia- jor motion picture. “When I saw the MTV thing, I immediately thought Tarzan,” said Speilberg. Speilberg said MTV ’s Downtown Julie Brown was a natural for the love interest, Jane. “Loincloths, swinging from vines, I dig the whole scene,” said Amb- rosirii, who accepted the part of Tar- zan late yesterday after contract neg- otiatioiis. Sources say he accepted, among other things, a set of free weights and a keg of green beer. According to Ambliri Entertain- ment, Speilberg's movie company, the plot is to run along general Tarzan plot-lines. Elephants come charging through the jungle carrying bad men who want to chop down the trees, urban- @> _ [3/I5 Beauty B111 159 S. MAIN ST. 463-2886 TINTS - STYLINGS - PERMANENTS BY APPOINTMENT LEXINGTON. VIRGINIA HAIR CUTTING § Lexington Presbyterian Church Sunday Morning Worship - 11:00 a.m. Sunday Evening Bible Study with Dinner: Fresh 4:M p.nr., dinner 5:ll) p.m. Upperclaaernen 5:30 p.rn. All Students Wclauuel 95 Journalism Majors Due to a changing cirriculum, the pre-professional journalism majors requirements for and a communications courses have been changed. Majors and potential majors who are affected by the changes, 7 p.m., are expected to attend a meeting con- cerning the new cirriculum, Reid Hall, rm. 203. C/I/(aaefi g{(1Uu Qilijleu Call for appointment All Students Welcome Wednesday, April 4, 463-9588 Old Main St. Mall Lexington, VA 24450 otppo9,oSIQo" FALL & WINTER MERCHANDISE ON SALE NOW New Spring items arriving daily 23 N. Main St. Lexlngton, VA 24450 (703)463-5988 ize the Congo and build a Food Lion,(get it). Tarzan, and his jungle friends, including the Love Natives who gy- rate and flex their muscles a lot, save the day, sending the bad men to a small town in western Virginia to build their Food Lion. According to the script, one Love Native will say as they send the pachydemis packing, “Let them move rocks, instead.” “I was just thinking the other day how great it would be to get a mov- ie contract,” said Love Native Hay- ward Lee. GENERAL NOTES Batter up Get ready for spring! The Iri- ning Club will be serving cold hotdogs and warm beer at all Generals baseball games for the remainder of the season. The po- tential for picking up chicks is maximal. Organizational meeting will be in the women's locker room, third lower level of the Warner center. Get over it The Calyx staff wants to noti- fy the student body that there will be no yearbook this year. After a short deliberation, the staff wom- en withdrew from the Publica- tions Board and caught the next flight to Monterrey, Mexico. A frustrated publicity flac was un- available for comment. Read my lips To counteract the Lexington Car Tax, Lexington residents will be assessed on a per capita basis‘ $1,312.16 per year for the exter- nal cultural, humorous, youthful, and educational benefits that W&L students add to this town. Drop by The Ring-tum Phi office to pick up your personal check for $1,000. The rest will be do- nated to the John Wilson Clothing Fund. Berlin Mall Get ready for East Germany! I The Outing Club will offer week- end excursions to Berlin this Spr- ing term for only $75, airfare, pup—tent and one tariff free trans- Atlantic phone call included. You must sign up by Tuesday of the weekend of your trip outside Bak- er 109. Kirk Follo has arranged transportation via Lufthansa Air Freight. (pressurized suits availa- ble from Mark Lubkowitz) Call 463-7590. Ranger needed Jellystone National Park is now accepting applications for the position of head forest ranger. Anyone interested can mail a pic- a nic basket to: Yogi Bear, Avg. Bear c/o Ranger Station Jellystone National Park Applicants should be “smarter than the av-er-age bear...” Hard up The Society of Repressed and Sexually Depraved Students will be viewing the 1977 hit movie, “Catholic High School Girls in Trouble” in Davis Dorm room 101 on Thursday, April 5. Inter- ested students are cautioned that the subject matter may be inap- propriate for dweebs and goobs, and they are requested not to attend. Oysters and cold medina will be served. _ Staff short-age Applications for a new Dean of Greek Affairs are now being accepted. Any senior male who can swim and has good taste in plaid may apply. Anyone interest- ed must send a resume to SAE by May 1. Ride share Anyone who can give a ride on April 1 to East Rutherford New Jersey to a student with a slight perspiration and farting problem, please call 463-8581. Will provide gas. Rubbermade The University Infirmary will give away free condoms over the next week in an effort to promote safe sex. Condoms will be located on the salad bar‘ in the D-Hall, the Co—op, the Pit, and at Head R.A. Catherine Baillio’s room in Gaines Hall. Sell yourself The Career Development and Placement Office will hold a workshop Friday at 3 a.m. titled “Short Skins and Tight Shirts: How a Coed Gets a Better Job." The workshop will be hosted by Dean Anne Schroer-Larnont and will be held in the upstairs bath- room of her house, located on the corner of Diamond and Massey St. Debtors The following students are re- quested to come to the Student Telephone Union Office to work out long-term payment plans on their phone bills: Franklin Daniels, Richard Spence, Czar Willie, and Alex Hitz. Pornfest The W&L Film Society and Students Against Sex and Vio- lence in Films (SASVF) will jointly sponsoring a showing of Seka Does Caligula and I Spit on Your Grave. The showing will be in Northern Auditorium at 7 p.m. on Monday, April 2. A reception in the Boatwright Room with pork rinds and beer will follow. Lousyjobs Career Connection Boise (that is, Idaho) will be held Friday, June 8 for all those seniors la- menting not having a job after graduation. Transportation will be provided by Live Drive to and from the front lawn Thursday at noon. Plan to stay in Boise at least 20 minutes for follow-up visits and interviews. 126 S. Main St. Rt. 5, Box 379 Lexington, VA 24450 The Spring Line Is Out.’ New Clothes Arriving Daily Size 4-I8/3-I5 Sportswear - Dresses Accessories $1 Jill's a Lady 463-5434 BOBBY BERKSTRESSER LEE Ill Lee Hi Truck Stop Lee Hi Trucking Lee Hi Truck Parts Lee, Hi Wrecker Service Lee Hi Wrecker Sales Lee Hi Restaurant 703-463-3478 College Shopping Square Objective: Fundraiser Commitment: Minimal Money: Raise $1,400 Cost: Zero Investment 1st Floor Reld Hall Come to your Prlntlng Center for: - FLYERS 8. POSTERS - Copying & prlntlng - Programs - Newsletters Super-X Drugs At Super-X Your Prescription Needs Are Our Most Important Business. 1-800-768-LEHI 463-71 26 WIN A HAWAIIAN VACATION OR BIG SCREEN TV PLUS RAISE UP TO $1,400 IN JUST 10 DAYS! Campus organizations, clubs, frats, sororities call OCMC at 1-800-932-0528 / 1-800-950-8472 ext.10 HINTINGC N 463-8448 Custom RESUMES & letters Transparencies Brochures & Booklets Scanning The Prlntlng Center has added a Macintosh Ilx, Scanner, and Laser- Wrlter II to Its service. The Macintosh wlll read MSDOS dlsks. We can add scanned Images to add to your posters or Ilyers. Stop by and pick up a pamphlet about this equlpmenl's capabllltles. C.E. Hardy Jeweler 35 S. Main Street 463-4121 31 s. Main s¢., Lexington BIG WILLIE I IS WATCHING YOU NATIONWIDE INSURANCE Nntlomvlocloonyoucldo E. BOLIVAR HUFFMAN A900‘! 203SoInhIlllI8tn0t Lexington, VA Phone: 483-7719 Rec: 403-4051 NOTICE Applications for the follow- ing posistions will be ac- cepted from students who will not be available this spring: Student Activities Board of Directors, Emergency Loan Chairman, Cold Check Chair- man and Vice Chairman, Mock Convention Steering Committee, Voting Regula- tions Board Chairman, and Contact Chairman and Vice Chairman. Applications will be avail- able at Carol Calkins' office and are due by 6 p.m. on Monday, April 2. There will be a sign-up sheet outside the E.C. room for interviews, held on Tuesday, April 3. ’ r . .-.,-.«.-......_.....—._...... _. CRAFTS PLUS, INC. GAMES, HOBBIES It CRAFT SUPPLIES Open Mon.-Sat. 10 a.m. - 5:30 p.m. T-shirts now in. P & PLEASURES 117 West Nelson Street/Lexington Opendally 10AM -6 PM Sur‘dayNoon—6 PM . - . _..— Marlene ’s Hairstylist Get Tanning Bed 10 Visits - $40 Hair Care .o»o.mo...¢.‘ ?Tannem Open 6 days a week for your convenience Call for appointment or just stop by -4 ‘PFC’ \ 49;‘ Ava‘ '- -«vi-1- -‘.a.~.,~r OCR::/Vol_089/WLURG39_RTP_19900401/WLURG39_RTP_19900401_005.2.txt The Ring-tum Phl, April 1, 1990 ¢ 4?’ ‘By John Laney ‘Staff Reporter T First came the new track. Coming .,soon to Wilson Field will be Astroturf. What could the Washington ‘ and Lee Athletic Department possibly ‘think of next? . , That question was answered ‘yesterday when W&L athletic director Mike Walsh said that planning is underway to construct six luxury- asuite boxes on top of the stands at Wilson Field. The “sky-boxes," as they are qcommonly known, will resemble the luxury suites found at major stadiums ‘throughout the country. Each will be .able to hold four people and will have a wet bar, television set and a ‘ terrace for outside viewing. 5 “I’ve been toying with this idea since I began my duties in “ December,” Walsh said during a press conference held on Wilson ’Field. “This area desperately needs sponrs ‘Sky-boxes for Wilson Field a first-class stadium. You have to go to Washington, D.C. or Philadelphia just to sit in a sky-box. Soon, though, Wilson Field will provide area sports fans with just such a luxury.” Walsh said the University would purchase at least one of the luxury suites for its own use and the rest would be sold to local businesses and industries on a first-come, first-serve basis. University Cleaners, Lloyd’s of Lexington, Wal-Mart and Blue-Bird Bus Lines of Buena Vista have already expressed an interest in buying a luxury suite. “The luxury suites will virtually pay for themselves. Companies will buy them and then bring their clients to watch W&L athletic events,” Walsh said. The suite owned by the University will be used by the faculty and administration on a rotating basis. Walsh, who said the cost of building the sky-boxes had not been determined, indicated that the expected demand for the boxes may persuade the University to build another set of stands with six more sky-boxes on the other side of Wilson Field. “At .the very least, that would make the Smythe kid happy," Walsh said, referring to senior quarterback Chris Smythe’s complaint that he was tired of hearing the opposing teams’ fans cheer right behind the W&L bench. Walsh explained the the boxes would not be built until after the Astroturf had been installed. “That way we’ll be able to have nearly every outdoor sport play their games on Wilson Field. We’ll create a schedule in which tliere’l1 be a game of one sort or another on Wilson Field nearly every day during the fall and spring. This will give the owners of the boxes an opportunity to watch more than just football and men’s lacrosse,” Walsh said. Walsh predicted that the only difficulty he would encounter in requiring teams to play their home §Football’s Fallon takes off }to coach Jets, see Big Apple clly Chuck Broll ‘Staff Reporter ‘ ' Hello Big Apple, here comes Gary ‘Fallon. 1 Last night, the W&L football tcoach was offered, and accepted the head coaching job with the National ootball League’s New York Jets. 4 In the brief phone conversation with Jets’ General Manager Joe Kay, Fallon was praised for his accom- ,plishments at the college level and invited to coach the team beginning 'June 1. 4 “We were impressed with his credentials, his coaching record and his haircut,” Kay said in a presss ‘conference this morning. This is not the first time in the Fallon called his own press con- ference this moming, at which time he announced his intentions to bring along two of the Generals’ standouts and the unknown talent to New York with him. Fallon said senior standout Phillip Sampson will be platooning at quar- terback with former New England Patriots quarterback Tony Eason. “He could be the next Joe Na- math,” Fallon said of Sampson. Running back Mason Pope will forgo his last year of college eligibili- ty for the NFL, Fallon announced after he said Jets running back Free- man MacNeil will probably be traded for draft picks. “I feel Mason will rush, catch and block as good or better than MacNeil ever did, and at a cheap[er everyone at the press conference by saying Jets All-Pro Wide Receiver Al games on Wilson Field would come from the rugby tearri. “Who has ever heard of a rugby player not being covered in mud at the end of a match?” Walsh asked. However, not everyone in the athletic department supports Walsh's plan. “This guy (Walsh) has only been here for a few months and already he's trying to stir things up,” said Associate Athletic Director Richard Miller. “In the old days we didn’t even have bleachers to sit on. Heck, we didn’t even have football helmets or pads. Everything in sports is getting too fancy. I’d like to see a return to the old days when every football play was ‘four yards and a cloud of dust’.” The proposal for the luxury suites will be submitted to the Board of Trustees in the fall, Walsh said. “If everything goes according to schedule we should have the luxury suites in place for the start of the 1994 football season.” 1* 4': SPORTS NOTEBOOK From W&L Sports Information A late edition to ‘the spring term offerings has just been an- nounced. Proving that it can keep up with the times, the ath- letic department yesterday un- veiled their plans for a “Lam- bada" class. Lambada, the dance craze sweeping the nation, is a Brazil- ian form of “dirty dancing.” When the idea was first prese- nted at a recent staff meeting, coach Dick Miller agreed to per- sonally teach the course. VMI’s coach Dennis Daly will write the curriculum. Miller is very excited about the idea. “Athletics is not only good for the body and soul,” he stated, “but it should also be fun. Ever since I became a Lambada freak, I have been waiting to teach the ‘moves’ to the coeds.” Register in the athletic office by Friday, April 6th. The athletic office is proud to announce that the Boccie Interest Group will be legitimized next fall as a full varsity sport. Boccie, a sport of Italian orig- in, is similar to lawn bowling. It is played on a narrow clay court with a wooden ball. To accommodate the new sport, the old Twombly pool will be converted to the necessary facilities. Construction will take place this summer once the Len- fest Performing Arts Center is completed. Athletics Director Michael Walsh stated, “I am very proud that W&L is again on the fore- front of a new phenomenon.” He hopes that general education courses in boccie will soon be added to the department. A boccie coach has yet to be hired. Kayaking lessons, held in the Twombly pool, will now be held in the Leroy “Buddy” At- kins Memorial Puddle in front of the Co-op. Toon will be filled by unknown talent Trey Tune, a W&L junior who has yet to play out any of his four years of eligibility. When asked to comment on Tune’s credentials, Fallon said “his blazing speed and steady hands will make Darrell Green and Deon Sand- ers quiver in their Reebok’s.” Fallon said he discovered the 5’9”, 155 lbs. Tune while watching an intramural football game on the Although Tune has never played organized football at any level, he “should have no prob- lem adjusting to the game after he gets used to wearing a helmet and pads,” Fallon said. Fallon brings a 58-55-l career W&L campus. NFL for Fallon, who played for the price, too,” Fallon said. record to the Jets, who finished a Coach Gary Fallon waves goodbye to the Generals. Minnesota Vikings in 1962. Additionally, Fallon surprised hapless 1-15 1351 5638011- I t j »_ 6 K A _ _ gr t ‘ 5’ 1' ** + qudiatfonics eamlng $1 000+ lor a one-week oncam us l marketing projea? You must weII-organ- W0 5'" "'0 300' 3"“ in "'0 H0090 l(z8e.%):r$_l;r; working. Call Jenny or Myra at DENON SONY .ADCOM ALPINE , 3&0 cwo KEF NEC Summer -1033 BOSTON DAHLQUIST ,. Avaflable KLIPSCH NAKAMICHI Helper (Live in if desired) j g,‘,’-,,‘E’,‘,"‘,'1g;‘EEc",T,§,;,”l,,"i'j’NE~"T5° . . For 2 Months : This summer to run errands, . wesgfiviceuosrgnauos i do yard work, willing to help ‘T""°‘*”s“°°E"“° A b_ K t care for small do . 9"’ ‘cs ° ‘"3 9 . Call Mrs. garson co (8ofg)d46&8s:a6k66R7 d W Mvieiglgtts F , . . . . . _ mew 9 an r all on 8 e a e I ness un. Prepare for spring break with a free pair of sunglasses, made in your distance 463,316 Overlooking Tanglewood Mall prescription, when you purchase any complete pair of glasses (frame and lenses) ("P "" ' pm’) 275° °9“°" “°““ ' ”°°"°"° 15 15- Nelson St Lexi“ 0" 1 or new fitting of contacts (both lenses). Some restrictions apply. Ask for details. CATHOLIC CAMPUS MINISTRY WILLSON- St. Patrick’s Church Weekday Mass Schedule: . Tues.-Fri. l2:l5p.m. H O U S E ,.__ __ -' ._. ._.. Weekend Mass Schedule: R e S I a U r a n , , Sat., 5:00 p.m. — I Followed by dinner, video Sun., 8:00, 10:30 a.m. Reservations are recommended Penance Services Wed., April 4 4:30, 7:30 p.m. 30 N. Main St., Lexington 463-3020 “Take the stone away! Come out! ” 5PRIA/6 me: /zoM£.’ Summer Jobs at Washington and Lee ° Counselors for Summer Scholars '90, June 28-July 28 Summer Scholars is a four-week program for 100 rising high school seniors. Each counselor serves as resident advisor in Graham-Lees dormitory for 10 students. 0 Special Programs Resident Assistants, June 13-August 4 The Office of Special Programs employs S W&L students to serve as hosts/ hostesses for a wide variety of Special Programs including Alumni Colleges, Elderhostel, and adult conferences. Duties include facilities management and housekeeping, reception, and transportation. , nrs. Blufleman, Blaurstnclr E Associates OPTOMETRISTS, P.C. Lexington: Lexington—Buena Vista Shopping Center 112 Walker St. .1 463-1600 Expires April 1, 1990. For further information, please contact Office of Special Programs, Howard House, 463-8723. OCR::/Vol_089/WLURG39_RTP_19900401/WLURG39_RTP_19900401_006.2.txt W&L|FE The Filng-tum Phl, April 1, 1990 Trustees and company create maior Plans for a Catch a Bachelor of Arts Degree put into works by committee By Bambi Stark Staff Reporter In an effort to continue its ongo- ing pursuit of opportunities for Wash- ington and Lee females, the Board of Trustees voted unanimously last week to create a new type of degree just for them. Graduation requirements for The Catch a Bachelor of Arts Degree, or the MRS Degree, will soon be available to enterprising females who have no need for boring C-School classes, but do want lucrative post- graduate marriage prospects. Although the armouncernent to create a new major within the C- School was just made, a five-faculty member MRS Committee has already been appointed to oversee its progress and implementation into the regular W&L curriculum by next fall. The committee, which consists of Dean of Freshmen Kermeth P. Ruscio, Chem- istry Professor J. Keith Shillington, History Professor Jefferson D. Futch, Mathematics Professor Wayne Dyrna- cek, and Religion Instructor Alexandra Brown. “I think it will be fun,” said ‘ Ruscio, the committee spokesman. The MRS committee decided that the major would be based in the Commerce School for a variety of reasons. According to Economics Professor Edward C. Atwood Jr., whom the committee chose to assume the role of MRS Department Head officially in September, the main reason for the MRS Department being based in the C-School was simply because “the men who will probably make the most money attend classes here.” “I am very supportive of this major, it allows women to be sharks, not by playing the market, but by playing the field,” Atwood stated. Of course the availability of the new degree will also call for several departmental changes and the commit- tee has worked at lightning speed secure them. Because each department will be asked to implement at least one or two courses that may be used by MRS majors for general education requirements, several Sweet Briar and Hollins College graduates will be recruited as Associate or Assistant Professors in order to accommodate the new curriculum that will be nec- essary, according to Ruscio. The following class offerings or adjustments are being considered by the committee and will be voted on for recommendation to the Board of Trustees at its April Fool's Meeting Sunday evening: Religion: Religion 241, “Women in Religions,” will be restructured to cover “How Delilah and Bathsheba Got Their Men,” an in-depth course dealing with the devious behavior and roles created by the world’s foremost con-women. Sociology and Anthropology: Profes- sor David Novack has offered to teach “Mythical Male Dominance and the Use of Scarves." Romance Languages: A series of graduated workshops dealing with elementary, interrriediate, and ad- vanced dirty talk. Chemistry: A five-day a week lab “Makeup Matching and Blending" A color-analysis Workshop was also suggested, depending on the degree of interest. Journalism: “Library Resources,” will teach females how to investigate the backgrounds of their targets and research their areas of interest. History: "What Women Looked Like in the Past,”to be followed by a “Fashion Current Events” course. Drama: “How to Fake Anything." The most dramatic change will probably be seen in the Commerce School itself, which will see more feminine decorations, like pink toilet seats and an abundance of loudspeak- ers playing Wham! and Michael Damian hits. Depending on the number of inter- ested women, the MRS Department could be moved to another location. Ruscio said that the committee would deal with that hurdle later, although the Law School had been recom- mended as a great MRS hunting ground. Right now, the most blatant void in the program seems to be in creat- ing domestic or nurturing classes. Ruscio pointed out that, while the C- School will handle the most crucial courses to the MRS major, such as the Economics Department’s ward- robe-budget planning course and the “View Love As a Business” course, others are desperately needed “Who do you think is going to do the cook- ing, sewing, and repeated child birth- ing and raising after the yoimg ladies have reeled their senior theses to the alters?" Ruscio asked. Although President John D. Wil- son could not be reached for com- ment, his wife Anne told The Phi that she is just itching to teach a baking course. “I guess I took my lead from Anne Schroer-Lamont,” she said. Wilson is referring to a Schroer-Lamont’s brief, but glorious, stint as the national winner of the Betty Crocker cook—off two years ago that landed her a contract to appear publically as the new and improved Betty. Schroer-Lamont grew tired of the circuit andretumed to her job at W&L as Associate Dean of Students after one summer. Wilson also said that many other faculty wives were eager to teach W&L females the “tricks of the trade” so that they can land husbands with better paying jobs. Future Homemakers of America, a high school domestic club has also offered to lend its services in the event that qualified instructors cannot be found. The final requirement before grad- uation for the MRS major will be the procurement of at least one bona-fide marriage proposal with a ring to prove it. Those with three proposals will graduate Cum laude, those with four proposals will graduate Magna cum laude, those with five proposals or more will graduate Summa cum laude and offered an Assistant Profes- sorship. Candidates must also undergo a battery of skill examinations, which will evaluate one's performance and technique at ten of the university's fraternities. An exchange program with the area women's colleges is being dis- cussed, however Ruscio said he did- n’t think it would be acted upon. “Why should our instructors aid the MRS majors’ competition?”he asked. Other problems with the new majors include protests by stubborn liberal females. who wish to earn a MS Degree instead of an MRS De- The Phi gree and the faction of homosexual males on campus, who complain that they are being discriminated against by the entire structure of the new major, which is designed for ;v_o_mgn who want to attract men. The idea for the MRS Degree was presented to the Board by Assistant Professor of Physical Education Cinda Rankin and Associate Dean of Stu- dents Anne Schroer—Lamont, who feel very strongly about the advancement of women in society, no matter how, although both agree that a good mar- riage is the best strategy. Rankin, admitted that she joined the W&L Physical Education Depart- ment in 1985 with hopes of finding the right mate. “I’m a sucker for well-developed chest and abdominal muscles, what better place to look?” she said. “I thought the way to make a man drool was by lifting as much as he did in the weight room,” said Rankin, “then I realized, why bother? I mean it’s so much easier to capture that special someone with your femi- ninity, you can easily do that by participating in activities like cheer- leading and wearing those cute peek- a-boo skirts.” True to her attitude, Rankin has decided to give up coaching tennis and instead sponsor a W&L cheer squad, which would also function as a five credit P.E. course. Men are encouraged to try out in the fall for the squad, however Rankin said they will be given no special treatment. “They’ll have to shake their booties just like everyone else,” she said. As for the rest of the university, a panel discussion on the MRS De- gree will be held tonight from 8:00- 10:00 p.m. (out of consideration for those who watch L.A. Law) in the Arlington Women's Center for those with questions, suggestions, or input. Editors note: Hats off to Bambi, a former W&L head cheerleader, who just completed her last shock treat- ment due to a scandalous affair with Jim Bakker two years ago. We love ya’ babe! THURSDAY, MARCH 2S 7:00 p.m. 8:00 p.m. FRIDAY, MARCH 30 3:00 a.m. SATURDAY, MARCH 31 1:30 p.m. 9:00 p.m. SUNDAY, APRIL 1 APRIL FOOL'S DAY 1:00 6:00 “In MONDAY, APRIL 2 8:00 p.m. 7:00 p.m. TUESDAY, APRIL 3 5:00 p.m. the Name." WEDNESDAY APRIL 4 3:00 p.m. 7:00 p.m. provided. THURSDAY, APRIL 5 11:00 p.m. Dormitory. TWIGHLIGHT RETREAT: Patrick's Church. Panel Discussion: "Merits of the MRS Degree."Lee Chapel. “No Reason."St. CD&P: Sell yourself workshop. “Short skirts and fight shirts: How a Coed Gets a Better Job." Room 109 University Center. OPERA BROADCAST: Madame Butterfly performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks. WLUR-FM(91.5). LECTURE: “How to Be Like Me (So You Can Get an A)." Professor Hughs. Lower Level Men's Toilet, C-School. NCAA POWDERPUFF FUNNEL CHAMPION- SHIP: W&L vs. Southern Seminary. Liberty Hall Field. In Search of will be live on campus. Search of Professor Textbooks.” Host Leonard Nemoy. McCaughrin's LECTURE: “Prenatal Care for Your Pooch." Professor David Novack. Norlhen Auditorium. FILM SOCIETY/STUDENTS AGAINTS SEX AND VIOLENCE DOUBLE FEATURE: Seka Does Caligula and I Spit on Your Grave. Northen Auditorium. CABLE 9 SPECIAL: “Murph: The Man Behind DEBATE TEAM: Calculus Students vs. Discrete Math Students. Hosted by Wayne Dymaoek. “What Does His Tie Say?" Moot Coutroom. PANHELLEINIC Arlington Women's Center. FILMFEST: FILM: Catholic High School Girls in Trouble. Sponsored by The Society of Repressed and Sexually Depraved Students. Room 101, Davis WEEKLY ¢ALEN vAn.l Deeplhroaf. Refreshments OD-‘V”TW“ § V % .9- -I~¢v%.UOO ‘-‘G C 77‘ ' SENIORS: Your senior index forms are ’ I ' "é due tomorrow in the Caylx office. We ‘ A empathize with you on any inconve- » nience. Thanks, the Caylx staff. . Acrou in out cc , 5 W. Nelson St. - Lexington l; 12 l o s George’s ' Hairstylist . Weatherby® -Remington® _l36Varner Lane 5 Br°wning® .Mossberg® Directly behind Leggett’s W9 "I" "°l be “"d°'5°'d We carry Nexxt4ig,3Re;d’i(73ii & Paul Mitchell .1 by a"V°"°! 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Washington Street Lexington, Virginia DO IT ltllicdlnigjlnt Madness y 11:30 p.m. - 2 a.m. Fridays J Music, games and prizes ._S‘pring Arrivals — Complete stock of Duckhead shorts (solids and patterns) — Woolrich and Berle Bermuda shorts Come see our new bar and lounge with an extended menu, billiards and darts! — Swimsuits q —— Izod and Cross Creek knit shirts — Cotton sweaters — Sport shirts in solids, stripes and madras patterns Rt. 11 North on Left 1 Mile from Intersection of Routes 11 and 64 464-2695 Winter Clearance Still In Progress ALL WINTER OUTERWEAR 50% OFF (TOPCOATS 20% OFF) Since 1963 Student Charge MasterCard