OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_001.2.txt THE UlllVERSl'IY Li8Rr“«t"W wAsHwercra 5-. UNlVEFl$iT‘f 1,13.-:':-rzatci->:.vA 344930 ‘A NUBILE NUDES DuPont Display MAR 2 6 1993 Features W&L Students In All Their Glory Generals Join Division I W&L To Expand Program, (3) Offer Athletic Scholarships 0 VOLUME 92, NO. 69 he fling-tum Ifilti WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIVERSIDAD METROLEX, VIRGINIA APRIL 1, 1993 Students love new revisions S By HUI WINN Phi Staff Writer All nine proposed constitutional revisions passed Monday’s student body referendum, with 90 percent of voters approving the amendments. 3 Executive Committee President Josh MacFarland said the referendum was a landslide once the Voting Regulations Board eliminated ballots cast by illiterate students. “Most students couldn’t even spell the word ‘referendum’, so we decided to eliminate their votes,” MacFarland said. “Nine of the 10 qualified fioters thought the amendments were a great idea, and I declared the referendum valid. That’s not quite according to constitutional procedures, but most of the students couldn’t read the constitution I themselves to figure that out.” In The Ring-tum Phi office, Executive Editors Richard Peltz and Cathryn Lopiccolo popped open Qlittle of the bubbly to celebrate their victory. “I can’t believe those gullible voters approved our amendments,” Peltz crowed. . “Now we can take over the university and overthrow the student government,” Lopiccolo said in a very business-like tone. Under the revisions, Lopiccolo and Peltznamed giemselves “permanent editors of the student news- paper, answerable to no human or deity.” “At last, I have all the power I’ve craved since arriving at Washington and Lee,” Peltz said. “And I can even kill myself with work for another 50 years, and no one can stop me!” IFC Dictator Leroy C. “Buddy” Atkins said he fsars for the university now that Peltz is in control. “Everyone knows that he’s completely brain- washed Miss Lopiccolo, and she’ll do anything he says," Atkins said. “Now there’s no telling what he and his little puppet will do.” A few students expressed concern that the stu- dent newspaper would be free from the student overnment and administration. * “Imagine what would happen to the United States if President Clinton couldn’t overrule the decisions of the Washington Post,” senior Frank Fascist said. “All that truth running around, and no one to control it. I’m transferring immediately before I have to read things that I don’t like.” Fork Deggie 27% Woman on top 1.4‘: W&L’s Favorite Sexual Positions 69% 36% PC &L craves variety Survey: students save creativity for sex By CREE A. TIVE Phi Staff Writer A new survey of W&L students shows that the Generals have some interesting tactics in the bedroom. The survey, conducted by the W&L Health Education Commit- tee and Associate Dean of Students for Sexual Issues Anne Schroer, polled 600 undergraduate students about their sexual preferences, fa- vorite positions and turn-on-s. - About 85 percent of students surveyed said they preferred het- erosexual encounters; 10 percent said they were usually homosexual; 3 percent said they switched pref- erences depending on their horo- scopes and lunar cycles and 2 per- cent said they would have sex with anything alive. “I think the percentages are quite healthy on our campus,” Schroer said.“I wasalittle disturbed at how few students were open—minded enough to consider other species for sex partners, but W&L is noto- rious for its traditional, narrow- minded sex practices.” But Schroer said she waspleased with students’ creativity in the bed- room. “These kids are just sexual ge- niu»ses,’~’~ Schroer «said: -“Why, I should be taking lessons from some of them. In fact, I think I may do just that. After all, I wouldn’t want my little love-dove to get bored with me.” Over 98 percent of students said that they are sexually active and had experimented with different i‘ positions in bed and elsewhere. Senior Minnie Lovers said she was glad to see that W&L students were so open to new ways of doing ' things and each other. “I thought that my boyfriend and I were the only ones to ever do it on the ‘20,000 Leagues Under the Sea’ ride at Disney World,” she said, “but I found out that a few of my fellow students had done it too." According to the survey, W&L students find it very stimulating” to do the dirty deed whilctraveling in some kind of vehicle. Cited in the survey were many sexual experi- ences involving cars, roller coast- ers, golf carts and even “one of Cl See SURVEY, page 3 ‘Foreign Student’ to bare all By PORN O. GRAPHY Phi Staff Writer “The Foreign Student” is going to reveal more about Washington and Lee than anyone had anticipated. Members of the administration said Wednesday that the movie, set to be filmed on the W&L campus in May, contains full-frontal nudity and mul- tiple sex scenes, including an orgy in Lee Chapel. “I couldn’t tear myself away from the script,” University Spokesgrinch Brian Shaw said. “The thought of all those luscious college women gyratin g next to Robert E. Lee’s statue excited me incredibly. Uhm, don’t print that, okay?” The university agreed to the shoot- ing of “The Foreign Student” in Febru- ary. The movie is very loosely based on the novel by Phillip Laymo, who at- tended W&L in the 1950s. Shaw said the university had no idea that the movie would be porno- graphic, but the administration thinks any publicity will benefit the univer- sity. “What better way to attract hor- monal high school seniors?” Shaw said. “W&L has a long tradition of great sex, what with the abundance of ready-and- willing women from so many colleges. I think the movie will highlight the very best the university has to offer.” A representative from Caligula Films, which will produce the movie, said his company took just a few liber- ties with the movie script. “Sure, the script’s a little different than the book,” said Caligula Films producer Ima Pervert. “But I talked to Phillip (Laymo), and he told me about all the things he left out of the novel. He said print just couldn’t convey the steamy atmosphere at that time. I think our film can do it justice.” Pervert said the 80 W&L students who applied to be extras in “The For- eign Student” will figure prominently in the porn scenes. “Some of those sorority girls just screamed sex,” said Pervert. “l’ve in- vited a few over to my place for screen tests, and most of them are shaping up just fine. Of course, we still may have to do take after take before the men get it right.” Students chosen as extras for the film said they were a little surprised by how manyoftheirparts would be shown on screen, but they are looking forward to the filming. “Exposure is key to getting a break in the big league,” Connie Co-opchiek said. “Ira has been really patient teach- ing me all the right moves, and I can’t ‘wait to ‘try them out for real. And nei- ther can my boyfriends.” “Where else can you get paid $300 aday to moan, ‘Yes, Yes, Robin. Don’t stop, baby, “I” extra Bob Hormonal said. “I had those lines memorizedby the end of Rush my freshman year.” “The Foreign Student” is scheduled to be released in December. EC reveals sex honor violations ' A Star is Born By WIIATA J OKE Phi Staff Writer Washington and Lee said goodbyeto one of its highly renowned journal- ism professors this week. Professor Brian Richardson will join the Allman Brothers on the last leg of their North American tour. The Executive Committee came down the mountain Monday with its proposals for White Book revisions, developed at the Sky- lark retreat. “We’re all in complete agreement over these revisions,” EC Grand Poobah Josh MacFarland said. _ “Get away from that microphone,” senior EC Rep. Susan Moseley said. “You arrogant swine,” junior EC Rep. Ashby Hackney said along with Moseley, before the pair was subdued by other EC members. “The retreat was an enormous success,” MacFarland said. . Among the revisions proposed by the EC after the closed meeting at Skylark are the addition of being an asshole and performing several sex acts and positions as honor viola- tions. But being an asshole while having sex will be allowed, MacFarland said. MacFarland said the EC would also add cunnilingus and fellatio as exemptions to the Honor System. “Doggie style is really where the prob- lems start,” MacFarland said.“We don ’t think that fits in with the tradition of honor here at Washington and Lee.” MacFarland said the EC based their new violations on recently released memostdating back to Gen. Robert E. Lee’s tenure at the university. ACLU President Andrew Schneider said he doesn't think the EC has any business in the bedroom. “It’s an outrage that the Executive Com- mittee is discriminating among sexual posi- tions,” Schneider said. “Under these criteria, half the people in Lee Chapel for the orgy would be kicked out on I-IVs.” Junior EC Rep. Jimmy Kull said the solu- tion to too many honor violations might be a multi-sanction honor system. “We should let students guilty of HVs work off their penalties with community ser- vice hours,” Kull said. “You know, a little doggy style, a few hours of Live Drive.” EC Secretary and President—elect Bob Tompkins said a man’s degree of endow- ment should be taken into consideration un- der a multi-sanction honor system. “Some men, you just have to say, ‘wow,’” Tompkins said. “Sometimes they need dif- ferent positions to be comfortable.” EC members said they are uncertain what next step in the White Book revisions process should be. “We could send the revisions to referen- dum,” MacFarland said, “but students are too ignorant for that. We’ll probably just decree the revisions valid.” He said he knows such a decree would be unconstitutional, but “the EC can get away with it, because frankly, students don’t care.” . Schroer—formerly—Lamontand Schroer, Futch to wed in June By U.N. LIKELY J. Phi Staff Writer The Lee Chapel wedding bells will soon toll for the campus’ newest love- birds, Associate Dean of Students for Women’s Issues Anne P ofessor of History Jefferson avis Futch. Washington and Lee Di- ,- rector of Communications Ice- ' T officially announced the couple’s engagement yester- day at a press conference in Arlington Women’s Center. “On behalf of the univer- sity and President Wilson, I would like to congratulate Anne and Jeff on their union,” Ice-T said. “Boink away, pal! That’s the only reason we’re on earth!” University President John D. Wil- sUn Who said the engagement came as something of a surprise to the univer- sity adminstration and faculty. be spanked.” “Wehad alwaysthoughtofJeffand Schroer—formerly- "Tsgflriger Anne as being enemies,” Wilson said. Lamont said thatafter she “But, from personal experience, I can attest that sometimes sparks fly when y9u least expect them. Like in the Phi Futch (on top) Delt basement.” Schroer-forrnerly—Lamont said she and Futch had been adversaries until about two weeks ago, when they got stuck in the University Library eleva- tor together. “We talked for hours, waiting for Buildings and Grounds to get 7-" off their three—hour coffee break,” Schroer-soon—to-be- Futch said. “I realized that Jeff really is such a sweetheart, and he does care about women and their special concerns. He told me about how much he admires the work I do on campus, and I admitted that I have really always wanted someone to dominate me in a relationship.” “That Annie is quite a gal,” Futch said. “Under— neath that tough facade is just a little girl waiting to and Futch finally escaped the elevator, she immediately flew to Las Vegas for a quickie divorce from Professor of Administration Larry Lamont. “Larry’s been a wonderful husband, but he just isn’t half the man Jeff is,” Schroer said. “I can’t wait to become Jeff’s sex slave —-— uh, I mean, wife.” “Of course I was shocked by Anne's divorce,” said the jilted Lamont. “ButI was getting sick of being the woman of ‘ the house. And at least I won’t have to use gender—neutral language.” Schroer said she and Futch have both decided to hyphenate their names after their marriage. Futch said he will take charge of cooking and laundry, while Schroer has agreed to wear short skirts and address him as “Sir.” The couple will wed June 4 in Lee Chapel. The ceremony is open to the university community. The wedding will have an antebellum South theme.The bride will wear a pink taffetta hoop skirt. The groom will be cos- tumed in a Confederate uniform. In lieu of gifts, the soon-to-be-Schroer—Futches ask that donations be made to the National Organization for Women. The Real .. Wllson Remembering years of chicks and beers AskUniversityPresidentlohn D. Wilson about his greatest By JOHN U. STUD Phi Staff Writer accom- plishment at'Washington and Lee and he will not tell you about silly dumpster fences. But you will hear the story of a wild night at Phi Delta Theta with four intoxicated sorority girls. “Four babes at once,” reminisces the most powerful man on campus. “I think I even Cl See STUD, page 3 OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_002.2.txt PAGE 2 @112 filing-tum ifilii Founded September 18, 1897 Attention sheep This is the Phi’s annual parody issue. It’s funny. Read it. Some parting words: For all students , who think that we worked our butts off it on constitutional revision proposals with 1; self-serving motives, The newspaper you’re holding represents our last contribution to this community. h —— CL, RP Quote of the Week Thanks, Rick and Cathy. -— actually, no one ever said that except the Executive Committee, bless their souls Ellie filing-mm lfilii Executive Editors . . . . . . . . . . .Business-like Bitch and Bastard Editorial Page Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bitch-to-Be Senior Copy Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Purest Sports Stud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sex Instructor Features Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Purity Test Administrator Photography Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Talented in the Darkroom Editorial Cartoonist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr. Long or Wide Editorial Page Assistant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Sarah Quiett Computer Graphics Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Phil the Thrill Reader Relations Coordinator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dream Weaver Business Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Subtely Swift Assistant Business Managers . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Fabulous Couple Advertising Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2x3 Circulation Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Paperboy Extraordinaire The real Ring-tum Phi is published Thursdays during the undergraduate school year at Washington and Lee University, MetroLex, Virginia. Funding for The Ring-tum Phi comes prima- rily from advertising and subscription revenues. The Washington and Lee Publications Board elects the executive editors and business manager, but The Ring-tum Phi is otherwise independent and likes it that way. Letters and other submissions must be in the Phi office, room 208 of the University Center, by noon on Tuesday to have a prayer of appearing in that week’s edition. Advertising does not reflect the opinion of The Ring-tum Phi, its staff or its pets. This newspaper observes current court definitions of libel and obscen- ity from afar and observes Hustler v. Falwell up close. The Ring-tum Phi Post Office Box 899 Lexington, Virginia 24450 OPINION I The Ring-tum Phi, April 1, 1993 Boozeland provides excitement for all ° SPY's SPACE By Beavis Last weekend, Beavis had the honor of attending a killer party at Boozeland, Washington & Lee’s “secret” retreat in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Every- one who’s anyone in W&L’s inner social circle was there: Howison, Atkins, and Ricardo (that guy that cleans up the vomit in the dorms). At this glorious reception, Beavis picked up many tidbits that he should share with his readers. President John Wilson was the life of the party, showing up in a white tux with tails and a cummerbund that lit up and spelled out “BERMUDA” when you yanked on his tie. After downing several bourbon and water cocktails, Wilson ended up passing out under one of the tables with soon-to-be-married Anne Schroer, formerly Lamont. Oh, well. Kids will be kids. Also making waves at the party was French Professor Kathy Koberstein, who lay atop the baby grand piano and sang a few bars of “Makin’ Whoopee” in a sexy sequined dress that would make Michelle Pfieffer jealous. Un- fortunately, W&L’s Brat Pack, a drink- ing society headed by self-proclaimed drinking king “Big” Leroy Atkins, emerged from a smoke-filled back room, completely sehnockered and out for blood. Atkins poured his drink down the front of Koberstein’s dress and attempted to grope her breasts, all the while slurring something about “women at W&L” and “the beginning of an error.” Oh, those deans. What a lively bunch. Beavis also saw David Howison hanging’ out amongst the cocktail weenies with Ricardo. The two dis- cussed sexual conquests in such a loud and frank manner, Beavis couldn’thelp but overhear. “Why do you think I put my office right outside the Co-op?” Howison asked a puzzled Ricardo. “Because that’s where all the hot sorority babes hang out. How did you think I got so much nookie?” Well, Mister Dean of Students, we know that once this gets out, those ‘hot sorority babes’ won’t be counting ceil- ing tiles for you any longer. Gerry “Warbucks” Lenfest made an excellent speech right after the 15th round of cocktails. Lenfest announced he would donate the money necessary to build a new football stadium. Now that W&L has gone Division I,’’ Lenfest said, .“it will need a new football stadium. I pla.n to donate $156 million.” University Treasurer Larry Broomall immediately went into shock, Campus grape vine makes wine GRAPE VINE MAGIC By Sally Slammer Hey all you kids out there in gossip land, have you heard the latest infor- mation off the grape vine? Well, let me tell you those grapes have been shak- ing so much they’re about to become wine. A very confidential source says that none other than our favorite French Professor Kathy J o Koberstein was seen dancing the night away at the moose lodge with none other than President John Delane Wilson. The very same source says that Mrs. Ann Wilson was no where to be seen. Personally I don’t;be’lieveit'.»‘ ' ' scene. Very lsawfthe‘ -W113 *” ‘ “ touching. son couple slt- “ ~ FYI for all ting in IL you health Palazzo at a fools: cozy fireside Valerie and table sipping Demaree sherryandfeed- were drink- ing each other i n g meatballs, all chocalate the while gaz- milk cock- ing into each tails. others eyes. 0 Did you Could sneaky all hear that little John be GQ is com- carrying on be- ing to do a hind poor profile on Ann’s back? W&L men? Nah! Yes, it’s Have youall true. All the heard about that publicity we great party at have gotten Boozeland? from ‘ that Let me tell you wonderful that big Buddy Foreign Stu- Atkins getswild dent film is when he is finally start- drunk. This re- ing to pay porter had to off. None make herself other than scarce, when Treasurer Buddy insisted L a r r y on seeing ex— Broomall, actly what co- Professor‘ eds can do. J o h n Our illustri- I-landelman, ous Dean of Professor Students was S e v r e n seen in a pas- Duvall, Pro- sionate embrace with none other than Dean Schoer. All the while he was crying out that she could not marry Jefferson and leave him all alone in the office with Buddy. Apparently Howison is fearful of Buddy. Could Buddy be propositioning poor Dean Howison? Hmm. Maybe that’s why Buddy enjoys working closely with all those fine young boys on the IFC. Schoer ensured Howison that she would not leave the office and would continue to protect Howison, Just five minutes later this reporter heard none other than Jefferson Davis Futch Ill telling Frank Parsons that “Anne is going to quit her job and stay home and make babies as soon as we’re married.” Could trouble be on the hori- zon for'the new loving couple? Let me tell you Boozeland was the site of many a bizarre happening this weekend. Our quiet reserved Dean of Freshmen and Residence Life Dennis , Manning was seen dancing on a table as he stripped off his bow tie. Manning told everyone at the party that all uni- versity housing will now be.co-ed in every room. . Just five feet away from Manning was the illustrious trustee Tom Wolfe doing his impression of Marky Mark. Wolfe stripped down all the way to his tighty whities, at which point every woman in the room, except for myself, passed out. I have to tell you they did not pass out because Mr. Wolfe was impressive. No. No. They passed out from the uncontrollable laughter. I’ll tell ya, Boozeland was quite an eventful place. All in all he event was a smash hit with few glitches. Econom- ics Professor Mike Smitka did get a little out of hand with an uzi, but other than that everything was fine. In fact everyone had such a great time there were even some tearful goodbyes. When everyone was wishing their fa- vorite new loving couple Anne and Jefferson some fond farewells, the very pregnant Art Professor Valerie Hedquist and the slao pregnant Profes- sor of English Demaree Peck were seen hugging crazy little Jefferson and telling him he “deserved only the best.” Let me tell you, it was a touching fessor Douglas Szajda and Professor Robert Huntley will be featured. Huntley was told they were interested in him for his stunning resemblance to Sean Connery. Huntley was heard say- ing he hopes this helps him “get some babes.” Well, here we are, at that point in the week where we make wild guesses about the possibilities of upcoming gossip. lt’s certainly my favorite part. I mean who wouldn’t love just pulling stuff out of thin air? O—kay, here goes! You’ve all heard about that titalating Foreign Student scene to be filmed in the chapel. Well, extremely, very confidential sources say that scene will involve several big- wigs in the university and perhaps even a city official or two. Shall we make some guesses? Well, could you imagine Buddy, Mayor Derrick, and none other than Dean of the College John Elrod all appearing in the buff and showing the world just how manly they are? No, neither can I. But surely the wise direc- tors of the Foreign Student will want to use the sex appeal drummed from the GQ article and use some of W&L’s hunks in their sexiest scene! Well kids, its time for little ole’ me to leave you for another week. Don’t forget, keep your ear to ground and keep Sally informed and in business! Hiddy-Ho all, and have a very won- der week. Love Ya! and unloaded 137 confiscated beer kegs, thanking Washington & Lee’s fraternity system under his breath. unable to say ordo anything until Atkins poured a drink on his head. Director of Capital Planning Frank Parsons lis- tened eagerly At four in the as Lenfest an— H moming,theplny riounced the came toanabrupt plans for the alfway through the end when Profes- new stadium, party, the caterers f0llnd sor of Economics 1 whichwillseat h W r runnin MlkC Smitka 80,000 and t ey e e g somehow ac- will include sky boxes for low on alcohol. Security Officer Thomas “Baner” quired a firearm and forced sevoral terers found that they were running low on alcohol. Security Officer Thomas “Baner” Bane was their savior. Baner backed his blue monster truck up to the loading dock in the rear of the building Capricorn (December 22 — January 19) Your sun and moon signs are are fortelling good things capricom. Ve- nus and Jupiter aretravelling through your sector signalling a rise in your emotion. Power is yours, but don’t let it erupt before the climax. Pre- matureexcitemnetcould cause prob- lems in your personal life. But that zeal will spur good things in the work place. Libra lover will figure strongly in your bedroom. Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)Don’t be a fish out of water. Your sun sign speaks of luck in adventures and good travel oppor- tunities. Don’t be the guppy and miss out. All of you aquarians will have lots of luck in the bedroom, but you aquarain women need to watch out for yeast infections. Men, jock itch will be prevalent if you’re not careful. Both of theses unfortu- nate circumsatnces could make you a lonely fishy. A big stong leo will be in your private sector. Pisces (February 19 — March 20)You aquatic wonder, you’re about to have a greta month. There’s a powerful super full moon floating on through your constellation. Make sure you grab that Bull by the horns, but not too tight, you might hurt him. A taurus figures stongly in your fu- ture. That big, strong bull looks to provide much fun and excitement in the future. Don’t go out of the house on Sunday Aries (March 21 —— April 19) Venus willbecohorting with youthis week. Love and sex will be good Satur- day, but Sunday will bring a prema- ture ending. A gemini will stroke your ego and cause irritation. Your croosroads are approaching. Will a Cancer of the opposite sex be wait- ing? Yes, but for you crabs will be bothersome. Look for a capricom to ease the pain caused by the crab. The capricom will be the one. Taurus (April 20 — May 20) Irnporatnt decisions will be made. An aquarian will swim up your stream this week. Enjoy the fishing, but don’t use all your bait the first night. Your moon sign heralds the need for some in- centive to real the fish in. Work and money will bring pleasures when pluto pmaces into your constella- tion, but don’t let them distract you from a sensational seafood supper. Gemini (may 21 — June 20) Two will prove better than one for the twins. Many aries will be vieing for your attention, but the best rain will win by showing his/her bucking exper- tise. Watch out for those scorned rams, they’ll want to kick you in the rear. The sun shines your way tommorow. Use the extra light to find those hidden feelings in your- self. The weekend is a good time to search your soul and do spring clean- mg. ‘% By your favorite astrologer, Daphne DoMe the Board of B - - party guests to sit . ane was their savior. Trustees, arti- , on the floor and ficial turf, and Baner backed his blue listen to his lec- “b“"‘P- . monster truck up to the We 0" Chin“ Washing- I . . modemeconomy. ton & Lee is oadlng d9ck. In the rear Mostof the guests ;_rulyhgrat<1=5[u1 of the building and un-- gscjalivcd. thus or t is, r. - mi aisrumore Lenfest, even loaded confiscated to have 12 hos- though we beer kegs, thanking ta_ges,whohesays know that Washington & Leevs fra_ willdieonebyone you re only . . unless he is doing it be- ternlty System under his granted immedi- cause the breath_ ate tenure. Ggod I.R.S.iscatch- luck, Mike! lt’s ing up with workingforDavid - you. Koresh! Halfway through the party, the ca- All in all, the party was a success. W&L will get its football stadium and several faculty are now more aware of the merits of trading with China. Truly, Washington & Lee is “not unrnindful of the future.” 6 Cancer (June 21 — July 22)Watch out for crabs, your virgo virgin could be lying. Uranus will be in jeopardy this week, with attacks from the rear being quite prevalent. Howeveg Venus and juoiter will be having a vertiable love fest in your constealltion on tuesday. Enjoy every minute of it. Financially you will be secure. A rich man/woman will come take care of your every need for services rendered. . Leo (July 23 — August 22) Leo, you’ll need your strong lioney strength this weekend. Jealous gemini will b . seeking your ability to make others love you for who you are. However, a sagittarius will provide the roman- tic shelter you need. You may even. loose yourself in ecstasy. Stay home on Monday, a tantial izin g phone call will come in. A virgo will be promi; nent in your plans, but the won’t be close to being the virgin they seem. Be careful in the bedroom. ' Virgo . (August 23 — September 22) You’re looking good this week and your sagittarian partner is drooling. A french toy will make you giggle Friday night. Be careful while mak- ing hanky-panky, your sun sign shows fertility and the pitter-pattel of little feet could be in your near future. Money comes easy this week, but hold on to it for a littke while, a good opportuniy is approaching and it will require cash. Libra (September 23 — October 22) This weekend will liberate you from all your inhibitions with a little help from the spirit of the bottle. Th; gemini twins are moving in for a closer look at you, show them your best side. They could prove impor- tant in the long lasting future. A VIP will be waithing for you. Grab him/ her but don’t squeeze too hard you may scare him/her away. . Scorpio (October 23 — November 21) Your sting will cause deep love and passion this week scorpio. A Libra? will be lying in hopes of falling under the thrust of your mighty stinger. A new job prospect looms in the future and bodes well for you. You’re impressive this week in all areas of your li fe. Take advantage of everyone and everything that wilb let you. Sagittarius (November — December 21) Your mercury is on the rise. A Lee will make it pop right off the scale. Have fun, but be cautious. Illegal acts will get you in trouble this week. FYI: oral sex is illegal in Virginia. Hunches are important this week. Why? I don’t know. Go with ihg flow and you’ll be a happy camper. Make sure you go out on Monday, you’re house may blow up. OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_003.2.txt The Ring-tum Phi, April 1, 1993 Wilson: studlier than you might think Cl From STUD, page 1 surprised myself that night.” Wilson smiles sheepishly as he re- calls the costumed bash many years ago, the one Phi Delt refers to as the “Hell’s Angels Party.” “I was driving down Main Street with a few of my colleagues,” he said, “when I saw an entire horde of Chi O’s descending on one of the fraternity fiiuses. I said, ‘Hey Johnny Uilrod], let’s pull over and join in the festivi- ties!"’ Unfortunately for Wil son, Elrod had an early-moming dentist appointment and couldn’t join in the fun. Wilson forced Elrod to drop him off in front of Hhi Delt. “I had a little trouble getting into the fraternity house,” Wilson said. “The pledges stopped me at the front door and asked me if I was on the guest list. At that point, I told them that unless they wanted to bag groceries for all of spring term, they had best get out of my way.” Wilson descended into the depths of the Phi Delt party, downing a six- pack of Milwaukee's Best before he even got to the room where the band was playing. . “When I finally got into the band room, I was good and sauced,” Wilson said. “After my thirteenth beer or so, this girl approached me. I think her name was Gina—— you’ll understand if I can’t remember all of the details.” From what Wilson does recall, he agcompanied Gina to one of the bath- rooms in the fraternity house and had an “amorous encounter” with her. It was in this bathroom that Wilson ~ got the idea for Fraternity Renaissance. ~ “It occurred to me, as I was getting down, that the fraternity house bath- r _oms were completely inadequate fgr... well, you know.” Wilson then decided that the uni- versity could sponsora renovation plan for all 16 fraternities. “Notice that, in all the renovation plans for the fraternities the bathrooms have been enlarged to better serve the n€eds of all who might use them,” Wilson said. After his encounter with Gina, Wil- son remembers very little. He does recall waking up in one of the upstairs rooms at Phi Delt with Gina and three babes licking whipped chain off of his chest. “I’ll spare you the details,” our il- lustrious president said. “But I'll say this: All four girls left that party com- pletely satisfied.” And the dumpster fences‘? “Forget that pansy-ass stuff,” he sad. “Did I ever tell you about that time at Phi Psi when I threw the kegs down the stairs?” NEXT ISSUE: THE REST OF THE WILSON STORY —— SEX, MURDER AND DEBAUCHERY!!! DON’T MISS IT!!! 0 Babes in Toyland The luscious contestants for Miss Hawaiian Tropic 1993 strut their stuff after an exhausting closed session with the Interfraternity Council. lFC President Sam Rock said the committee can’t handle any more closed meetings. I By 0. MY Phi Staff Writer Porky’s 8’ to spy on W&L film. Buttco claimed that Wilson’s buttocks were “too saggy to contribute to the film in a positive way.” “There's nothing wrong with my butt cheeks,” said New Club The Red Slide Rule Society. What’s this?! We're a group of sexu- ally frustrated math and physics pro- fessors and students that meet each Saturday night to do math equa- tions by candlelight. Wondering about our name? Well, our slide rules are all swollen and red be- cause some bitch named Amy who hangs out in Parmly said she was a virgin but lied because we heard from my girlfriend’s sister who did some guy in a bathroom at Hampden-Sydney that this chick’s name and phone number, with the words “Call for a good time,” WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. The infirmary says that there is noth- ing we can do to get rid of this disease except take penicillin and not stand in direct sunlight. So we sit up and do math equations all night, but hey, you don’t have to have sex to be cool, sojust shut up. Film Society The W&L Film Society will present “Hooked on Phonics” at 8:05 p.m. on Friday and Saturday in the TV in Carol Calkin’s office. As always, there is no charge for ad- mission but everyone is encouraged to bring a pencil. Lost A blond. 5’3" male prospective student was lost somewhere near the library. If you have information, please call Phil at 463-98 1 6 or leave a note (or treasure map) in Carol Calkins’ office. Free Gerbils The cutest gerbils - FREE! Spayed, declawed, barely used, comes with hamess, case of Crisco, litter box, food and water dish. If interested please leave a note in Carol Calkin’s office. Deep Thought You know, when it snows and the front of the Colonnade is all white, I bet it makes the grass un- derneath really cold and wet. Blood The American Red Cross, in con- junction with the Registrar Office secretaries, is out looking for blood. If you are type 0 and have a long neck, please leave a note and home address in Carol Calkins’ office Housing Gaines Hall is now taking appli- cations for next year's occupancy. Really, you wouldn't be a loser if you live here. Grey carpet and red furniture is AWESOME. It smells reallyneat too. Carol Calkins would want to live here if she didn't al- ready have a home. Really. Lexington will be caught up in celebrity fever again this weekend while camera crews document Washington & Lee’s social scene for a new version of a movie classic. Buttco Films International, a movie company known for its B-grade greats, will film “Porky’s 8” with 16 camera crews to record W&L’s recreational activities. Buttco has assigned one film crew for each of W&L’s 16 national fraternities to film the four—night—a-week social scene. “Washington & Lee’s social scene is ideal for what we hope to accomplish,”i',t said Shyster Brown, producer of “Porky’s 8.” “Tliere’s plenty of nudity, beer and debauch- ery, which we plan to exploit to the fullest.” V 4 “ Over 500 students arid,fa_c_ulty came toa casting call in the ,,Uniyersi.ty..Center..on Friday. .Several W&L community members-rece,ived_roles in the; film. , , . Senior Joshua Manning, cast as a random piece of under- brush in the film, said he was “so happy to be a part of all this.” Wilson in aphone interview. “I think that they are discrimi- nating against me because I have a little tiger tattoo back there... like George Schultz.” ' Despite Wilson’s failure to get a role, filming will go on as scheduled this weekend. Buttco attributed 13 injuries to members of camera crews Wednesday to “fratemity parties that turned sour.” In particular, Goober McFudd, akey grip from Hogdung, Kentucky, was listed in critical condition this morning at Stonewall Jackson Hospital. Witnesses say that McFudd was filming two people having sex at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fratemity house when a keg of beer, apparently heaved out a second-story window, hit him in thehead and knocked him unconscious. “We certainly feel sorry for Goober,” Buttco Spokes- man Fibber Crappile said in a press conference this mom- ing. “Unfortunately, our company health plan does not cover alcohol—related accidents, so Mr. McFudd will be unable to collect benefits.” CD&P The Career Development and Placement Office says that seniors had better just forget about getting real jobs in June and focus on memo- rizingThe Big Book of 1,000 Mixed Drinks and scouting out bars in Rich- mond for positions as stand—in bar- tenders. 1,. - The Calyx would like to thank Even though it's a dead tradi- tion,do it anyway, because itmakes the alumni happy and they give us a lot of money, so you WILL BE friendly whether you like it or not. For more information, Contact Kathekon or Carol Calkins. The Ring-tum Phi will be selling Speak Toys “I am very happy,” said W&L Director of Capital Plan- ning Frank Parsons. “As a matter of fact, I am so happy that I may just go out and blow a hundred grand on real estate that nobody needs and make the students foot the bill.” University President John Wilson did not get a role in the Despite the injuries, Crappile said “Porky’s 8” is ex- pected to come in under budget and in time for its June 15 release date. The Lexington premiere will be held in the Troubadour Theatre June 14 at 8:00 p.m. A wet t-shin reception with free beer and women will follow the film. Survey reveals student sex favorites D From SURVEY, page 1 those plastic ‘Big Wheel’ contraptions that everyone had when they were a kid.” Schroer was not surprised. “Even (Professor of History) Jeff (Futch) and I have done it on a Big Wheel,” she yawned. “If someone had done it on a ‘Sit—N—Spin,’ then l might have been impressed.” Also cited in the survey were sev- eral sexual experiences involving food. “I highly recommend maple syrup and Reddi-Whip,” said sophomore Wilma Willing. Again, Schroer was not impressed. “Futchy-Poo likes to nib me down with melted chocolate and eat me up like a Whatchamacallit bar,” she said. Futch could not be reached for com- merit. According to the survey, 98% of all respondents had a favorite sexual posi- tion. The straightforward missionary position fared rather well, being the position of choice for 36% of the re- spondents. . The missionary position was fol- lowed by doggie—style, 27%; woman on top, 14%; woman twisted into a pretzel, 9%; hanging from the chande- lier or ceiling fan, 4%; facing the tele- TALKBACK vision set, 3%; and over the hood of an automobile, 2%. The remaining 5% make up positions that cannot be dis- cussed in a family newspaper. Fortunately for us, we are not a family newspaper, so we will report that a few people in the remaining 5% prefer a position called ‘the Frog’ wherein the woman somehow kicks her leg up over her head and... oh, forget it. It’s too complicated. Schroer said she highly recommends the Frog Position and will teach a class on it next spring term. “ltwill be called ‘Women’s Studies 251,’” she said. “I'm confident that we’ll have a full classroom.” the freshman who showed up to have his picture taken for this year’s issue. Those students who chose not to be a part of the yearbook should just go STRAIGHT TO HELL AND BURN. Rick Peltz and Cathy Lopiccolo action figures in front of the Co-op on Monday. Figures are anatomi- cally correct, accessories sold sepa- rately. Batteries not included.. Compiled by Moe Hopkins Student Body Notice A student was sanctioned for using a firearm in defending himself against an innocent prank by his fratemity’s freshman pledge class. Surely he had a good reason for brandishing his weapon. Thank God for the Second Amendment. It’s so nice to know that firearms are in capable hands. parated at Birth? Dean Buddy... I ...and Mark VanDeusen? President Wilson... ...and the Grinch? Ham “the Hamster” Smith... ...and ...? OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_004.2.txt uyvohcsno-iniivun¢«,»‘o,'»-.‘«.s.»,".’I . n'IlAADl- PAGE 4 WOMYN’S PAGES How do you score on the subject of scoring? 1. What is frotteurism? a) a dependency on being given an enema b) a dependency on look- ing at sexual organs and watching sexual activity openly, not surreptitiously, as in voyeurism c) masturbation by rubbing against another's person or the need to rub agianst another stranger d) a marked interest in ex- crement i.e. the use of feces or filth for sexual excitement 2. What healthy sub- stance is predominantly found in semen? a) VitaminC b) Protein c) Calcium d) Taro root 3. What position is a variation of “doggie-style?” a) Negresse b) Missionary c) One-eye, one-hom, fly- ing, purlple, people-eater d) The Flying Nun 4. What is cunnilingus? a) oral sex on a man b) a fungus that breeds in the crotch of a man c) oral sex on a female d) a fungus that breeds in the cleavage of well-endowed women 5. What is fellatio? a) oral sex on man b) a fungus that breeds in the crotch of a man c) oral sex on female 3. d) a fun glus th 9‘ L: -. at breeds in the cleavage of well-en- dowed women 6. What are ben-wah balls? a) a pair of small, usually metal, balls which are placed in the vagina or anus and are supposed to feel good as they move around. b) the equivalent of blue balls c) a pair of small, usually metal, balls which are placed in the mouth of someone who is performing oral sex. (1) the equivalent of Chi- nese harmony balls used for relaxation and meditation 7. What is a “French Tickler?” a) a Frenchman with a handle-bar moustache who is fond of administering oral SCX b) an addition to Dunkin Donut ’s line of eclairs c) a non—contraceptive condom with little tickly things on the end d) Champagne-like aphrodasiac 8. What is “Spanish Fly?” a) an aphrodisiac b) a sexual position in which a Spainard (of any sex) is on top during intercourse c) the Spanish version of Tinkerbell d) a non—contraceptive condom with castanets at the tip 9. What is “The Hawai- ian Muscle Fuck?” a) intercourse with the use of a ham and pineapple pizza as a sexual enhancement tool b)using hula—like pelvic thrusts during intercourse c) sexual intercourse on a mussel—covered beach d) a titty fuck 10. What word describes someone who derives plea- sure from inflicting pain? a) masochism b) sadism c) botulism d) animism q(0I P(69(8 3(/.9(99(§ o(17e (gq (zo(1 zsiamsuv Score: 10 — Get it on! You cer- tainly know your sexual lingo! 6-9 - (No pun intended) Your pretty knowledgable about the ol’ in/out, but you should practice on your tech- nique. Please see the person- als. 0-5 — What can one say? You need some serious help. Please see the personals and the ads on p. 5. i_I<;»=.'»’~x« : 1- I. - -“I The Ring-tum Phi, April 1, 1993 Welcome to Hunter ’s Hell Kiddies Thompson replaces Richardson in J — school . By SENS A. writer — incar- MILLIA ceration in a Lou- phi staffer isville jail pre- j‘*'— ventedhisobtaiii- W o r 1 d - ing that all-"m- reknown writer portant high and drug user school diploma: Hunter S. fistfights in Thompson will Greenwich Vil- replace Professor lage numbed his of. Journalism hands for high- :3rianRichardson speed typbng. Pnng IeTm- South American Richardson will join the Allman Brothers for the final leg of their whores spent his money. But Dr. Thompson pre- vailed to ride with lltlorth American the Hews An- 0111 gels, run for sher- blfhomlpson IS iff and take.his 0 V10115 3/ ex‘ placeasoneofthe Cited al_3Q11t his great stylists of Dev“: P°S1U°“~ the English lan- Kiihr 3% ...ll ' . 6 , ompson 11h-h11h.”Th0mP- hopes to oneglay S061 dd Said; becomeauniver- “ 0 8mit- sity dean. Where's my “I’d like tobe doobage.”_ Dean of Extra- He will be curricularActivities teaching 3 I111m- . . . or some shit ber of the stan— job like that,” he dard journalism said_ 9 coursesaswellas He said he’s a few more spe- like to create a cialized courses. sense of He said his In- troduction to Re- porting class will emphasize “Gonzo” journalism. “We just make shit up in the hopes of being sensational,” he said. Thompson also said he would like to guide students in a year—long indi- vidual studyprojects on different drugs (legal or otherwise). “There would be an emphasis on experimentation,” he said. “No fuckin’ lab rats, man, the real thing.” He would also like to coordinate a study abroad program in which stu- dents can travel around the globe in search of previously unidentified hallucinogeons. “It would be a sort of scavenger hunt,” he said. “The winner is the one who is left with the fewest functioning brain cells.” Professor Thom pson Thompson would also like to re- introduce sex education but on a much more advanced college level. “There would be an emphasis on experimentation,” he said. Bondage and sado-masochism would be saved for the unpperdivision students, he said. However, there would be a lab fee not covered in the price of tuition. But he would be very willing to assist stu- dents who are struggling at no extra charge. “I’m not a whore, for God's sake, I don’t get paid,” he said. Biographer E. Jean Carroll said of Thompson: “Hell itself could not rival Dr. Thompson’s struggles to become a c o m r a d e r i e among the deans of the university that is now absent. ’ “We’d go to Skylark,” he said. ‘‘I would emphasize experimentation.” As Dean of Extra—curricular Activites he would like to also empha- size the benefits of experimentation of all kinds among the student body. “College isn't only a place to réad books or write papers, but a place to explore your limits as a person, animal and/or vegetable,” he said. However, at the moment lofty dreams of being a dean must be play second fiddle to the matters at hand. “Shit!,” he said. “I can't find my . goddamn doobage. Where the hell is my coke. Man, if I had my pistol . . . Yeah, sure there’s an honor code here! Okay, who made off with my stash!” Right now, your Apple Campus Reseller has the most affordable new line of full-featured M2lClIIl0Sh® computers ever. There’s the App Color Classic“’— a solid performer at a remarkable price. The Macintosh LC III, which runs 50% faster than its top-selling predecessor, the LC ll. And, ”.$'er1'ice L\‘ zlmilab/e ml/_1' from Apple Cam/m.\' Resellent 11'/rich areAp/I/eAuIIJor1:et/.\i*rI'ice l’r(1I'irler:\‘. ©1993 A/I/I/r Com/mlrrr. Inc. All rig/J/.\' I't'.\‘c'I'I'er/. A/)/I/e. //J1‘ .'l[7/I/t‘ logo. .1/(It'll!/().\'/) //)Ir/ '7lw/tower’ lo bt*_t'u/n‘ lmi‘/' mt’ rrjuit/t'I't'(l /rm/wzlrméx Q/'. I/I/I/t’ (rm;/m/rt: Int‘ l/IICIII/l).\'/l (lw/wit /5 :1 /mzltwm/'1» 0/ *l/I/I/L‘ (.'om/in/1'7: /mi (.71/.\:\'ir‘ I.\' ll I'r;t,t/.v/m'ur/ /mt/w/zurl) /Itw/ml /o ,-l/7/I/4' (,1-In/mlur. /I/l‘ You’re one wit 3 772e'Apple Macintosh Color Classic. I "9 Solutions from your Apple Campus Reseller: a full Macintosh line for all your needs. this The new Apple Macintos/9 Cerzlris 610. le® Macintosh for even more power, the Macintosh Centris“ 610. See these new computers today at your Apple Campus Reseller. Where you’ll get special student pricing, as well as service during college“L‘And experience the power of Macintosh. ’ The power more college students choose. The power to be your best? not the only carrying a lot of semester Commerce in Ancient . u.. , Amie: 7799 newA,0/>19 Macmlos/2 LC /11. For further information visit the Computer Center in Tucker Hall and ask for Mac McCloud or call 463-8844 {— OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_005.2.txt The Ring-tum Phi, April 1 , 1993 PERSONALS 9 WOMAN WANTED by real W&L security guard in full dress uniform. You’ll be searched spread eagle, spanked and licked into confessing your fantasies. Safe, clean , harmless fantasy. 55—BANER .9 Shoe Fetish! SWM, 21, seeks slim female with large shoe closet for safe erotic fun. Size 81/2, nice legs and clogs a plus. 555-NIKE U DOMINANT M SEEKS F WHO ALWAYS WANTED TO BE DISCIPLINED LIKE A NAUGHTY LITTLE GIRL. NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. 55-SPANK an DISTINGUISHED DOMINANT DEAN Sks long term relationship with a sub- missive M. You're no “doormant.” ‘You’re proud! But you desire to submit to a truly dominant F you love & re- spect & who really cares for you. DOOR-MAT CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY ‘WITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL ENERGIZER F SOCKET SKG M PLUG FOR CONTINUOUS FLOW OF ELECTRICITY. 555-ACDC ' WANTED EXPERIENCED TONGUE & ‘ TOY USER ANY RACE, 18-25, ANY SIZE. 555-LICK INSTANT PUDDING = INSTANT FUN 55-JELLO X. Modem couple desire for sexual friendships to please to completion orally and anywise. Love to watch as well as participate. 555-ORGY CURIOUS CLOSET CROSS- DRESSER Straight SWM 22 of sound mind & body seeks sexy female or BIF to dress up with in sexy lingerie. 5-UNDIES DO ME! DO ME NOW! Bom-agan virgin seeks anyone, any- thing to break 7-month dry spell.. All papers in order. DISEASE FREE! READY, EAGER & WIDE OPEN. DO-MENOW DOMINATIVE FEMALE Sks submissive male to bind blindfold and bang. Handcuffs provided. Whips and chains optional. Must be kinky & kute. 555-CUFF D0 ME! D0 ME HOW? F contourtionist seeksable-bodied M to explore the many positions of the Kamusutra and the plethora of uses for the 4 food groups. 555—OUCH SCHOOL FOR WIVES M, early40s, offers special erotic train- ing and role play for naughty wives. Yee- Haw Good 01’ Texas cowboy seeks cowgirl in spurs to ride his pony. Hog—tying optional. SHEE-HAW WHIPS, CHAINS & AUTOMOBILES are a few of my many sexual interests. If you own a land—based vehicle with a net weight of over 30, 000 lbs. and a collection of leather or rubber dominatrix paraphenalia then you're my woman. 555-WHIP TAKE ME TO BED OR LOSE ME FOREVER YOUNG, NUBILE NYMPHOMA- NIAC SEEKS MALE TO GRATIFY ALL HER SEXUAL DESIRES, ALL THE TIME. 5-NYMPHO PAGE 5 WOMYN’S PAGES Do you like your women SUBMIT TO YOUR \. FEET ON vnun KNEES!! MUNH IS voun ( “UENUSIN run9’nNn\£ RUBBER CHLL l—SUBM I SSION SHE llJlLL UJHIP , HND . S P H N K; L vou mm SUBLIME SUBMIS- SEXUAL PUNISHMENT! 1—900—MY—MOMMY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIOOOOOOOLOQOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOO'lOOO_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIII SION rough & tough?:,_;\.!. 1. ~.¢ ~.: \_ _ . . l’VEBEENAVERY'\,_. ” ‘~. i_BAD BOY!!! '2‘-._\ i ............... " We bend over backward to please you‘ " KALL KINKY KONTORTIONISTS SPECIALIZING IN THE KAMASUTRA 1—9oo—55— ‘¥§T;;/ ‘ Women ’s clothing. TGIF OUTLETS Nationally Famous Men’s and Women ’s Activewear, Sportswear, and Shoes. 50% to 80% Discount ' Everyday - GUARANTEED! We receive merchandise from America’s most famous mail order houses. New shipments Every Week! Irr- Store Warehouse Sale on Nationally Famous Catalogue Men ’s and Women ’s Wear. There are reductions from 25 - 75% on Men’s and Famous knit tops for women - regularly $18 - Now $3.00. Selected Henley Shirts reduced to $3.00. 1' Selected Men’s and Women’s Sweaters - regularly $40 - reduced to $7.99 Lexington Downtown (Robert E. Lee Bldg.) Hours: Mon.-Sat. 9:30-5:30 1 703-463-9730 -3-C-1-I-In:-1'5-1-C-3-C"Ce-'* 1/2 Rack- $5.99 Breakfast Buffet Friday & Saturday Night 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. F All-U-Can Eat $4.99 Sunday Breakfast Buffet 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. All-U-Can Eat $4.99 Wednesday Night BBQ Night - choice of potato & vegatable Whole rack- $10.95 Saturday Night Prime Rib Queen cut $11.95 Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner served 24 hrs. a day. King cut $13.95 Spring Break: CANCUN, NASSAU from $299 Organize a small group for FREE trip CALL 1 (800) GET-SUN-1 0-PPOQOQQO" All Wiiiter erchandise 23 N. Main St. Lexin ton, VA 24450 (703) 463-5988 \ ondalc - - Dir Bk ia Jansport day packs and book bags Lexington Bike Shop 130 S. Main St. Mon.-Fri. 9-5/Sat. 9-12 Noon Valley Hardware, Paint and Related Items Open Mon.-Sat. 8:30 a.m.-6 p.m. E. Nelson St., Lexington Sun. 1-5 p.m. 463-2186 \ 453-7969 ' at LEE—llI Truck Stop 4 miles North on Route 11 We accept Visa, Mastercard, Choice, & Shell . .:.w!-2-I-' -. . -..-.-.-'-...-r...-C. -. . -I-3.:-I -.2 ' " ' I ‘ Immediate opening for students to post flyers on campus. Call Dana at 1-800-592-2121 Ext. 131 SUCCESS. GET AN EDGE ON COLLEGE EXPENSES. The Army can help you get an edge on college expenses in just two years. When you enlist and qualify for a certain skill, you could become eligible v for the Montgomery GI Bill Plus the Army College Fund. That means you could earn $17,000 for college with a tvvo-year enlistment. And the Army will give you another edge, too. You’ll develop the self-discipline, self-confidence and maturity you’ll need to succeed in college. Find out more about how you can get $17,000 for college in just two short years. Call your local Army Recruiter for more information today. can (703)463-2166 ARMY BE ALL YOU CAN BE? L\ V W&LrArt 1870 Washington College Diploma signed “R.E. Lee" Signatures: Fitzhugh Lee R.E. Lee, Jr. M. Miley John Letcher Edward Valentine W&L Copperplate. hand-colored W&L and R.E. Lee limited edition art Sculpture by Ron Tunison Mary and George Washington pieces 4 East Washington Street Lexington. VA 24450 (703) 464-6464 riiifitmnnls Blllllllll Open Monday — Saturday 10 a.m. — 5:30 p.m. OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_006.2.txt The W&L Film Society proudly presents The Playboy version of I March 32 & 33 The Ring-tum Phi, April 1, 1993 Getta Peesa Lambda . Y0 UR PREMIERE so UR CE OF INI T IAT I ON ANIMALS SINCE 1895 1/ The widest selection of farm animals in Lex for all your ritual needs V All animals hand; checked for diseases V Confidential service, back-door exit v 4 V Wide assortment of pro- phylactics, sex toys and stimulants Call EARLE at 555-3358 No refunds or exchanges ‘ O O O in the Troubadour Gratuitous Beaver Shot Ever remodeled a Mexican restaurant? Your skills are needed! Call Washington 8: Lee 7.32322:ZZZIZZZZIIZIZZIZZZZ22:32:. I B Movie producer seeks woman with t great breasts to be body double ' in upcoming film. L Call 555-HOOT. €,.:g,»..~,& Feeling ‘ inadequate? *- Ef "ff. Jealous of the other ;' ? guys in the locker room?. We understand. =‘ Joinoursupport group: Men with Small Penises. We meet every Saturday in the . Women ’s Center. For Fran... C? 28 OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_007.2.txt D The Ring-tum Phi, EL FIN, 1993 Hamsmetet MEANS LOW PRICES 25% OFF POULTRY SALE PERDUE OR TYSON-HOLLY FARMS CUT-UP l FRYERS —n~ 9RADE "A" PERDUE OR 7'" TYSON-HOLLY FARMS WHOLE FRYERS LIMIT 2 or EACH ON WHOLE ravens WITH ADDITIONAL PURCHASE LBO DIET PEPSI OR PEPSI COLA 2IITER y9 SLICING TOMATOES REDUCED PRICE ASSORTED FLAVORS RAGU CHICKEN TONIGHT ....23-24.5 oz. 40% OFF ALL 149 lsrsyzsn SPECIAIIIIFEYJACK I POTATOES ........ ..5.5-6oz. 069 BANQUET POT 2/ PIES ........... ..7 oz. BOXES O 9 9 I’ REGISTER TO WIN IN THE CHARLOTTE HORNETS '99 "BEST LIEGGSII JUICE ....... ..... ........l28OZ. + SWEEPSTAKES 0 HAVE FUN AND WIN VALUABLE PRIZES. 0 DRAWING TO BE HELD APRIL 12, I993. NOTHING TO BUY. 0 SEE STORE FOR DETAILS. sucep TO ORDER ROAST BEEF 99 IN THE DELI- BAKERY ‘O . I.B. PANTENE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS O REGULAR HT ICE CREAM SELECTED O . 9 9 VARIETIES 9 9 I INCLUDES HAI-F PRO” 7 -I3 OZ. In GAL. Prices Effective Through March 30, I993 g Prices In This Ad Effective Wednesday, March 24 Through Tuesday, March 30, I993. ln Lexington Stores Only . We Reserve The Right To Limit Quantities. None Sold To Dealers. We Giadly Accept rederol food Stamps. ' PAGE ? W&L football to be spiked inthe Bermuda Triangle Flight to be lost because of spurned ex-groupie of By MULDOON WHO? Disclaimer: If this is not funny, blame the left side of my brain. Warning! Warning! Warning! (Sorry, my CD player’s skipping.) This is a warning to the W&L foot- ball team, DO NOT , It REPEAT, DO NOT GO TO BERMUDA! This reporter has learned of an ex- cruciatingly painful fate awaiting the team on its trip to Bermuda. This reporter has learned that the Bermuda Voodoo High Priestess Terrasan, who believes “all men should be born guilty,” has placed a curse on the football team. According to a reputable source (I think it’s the shoeshine man from the “Police Squad” television show, which preceded the two “Naked Gun” mov- ies), High Priestess Terrasan was once a groupie for head coach Gary Fallon. But coach told her kindly that he wasn’t interested. Since that time she has har- bored a deep resentment for him. Coach Fallon declined to comment on the situation saying he had no infor- mation about the threat, but he added MissTerrasan and he were just friends. But this reporter has learned from the same reputable source that the High Priestess threat is to be taken seriously. Just last year, Terrasan got even with another source of unrequited love. She put this team in the same situation that awaits the W&L team. And we've all seen what has happened with the Dal- las Mavericks. According to the reputable source, the team will be lost in the Bermuda Triangle. But Terrasan has no plans for any of the team members to be hurt in any way. The real danger comes from the mental abuse the team will have to endure. Coach FaI|on’s Terrasan has ordained it so the Gen- erals will have to endure the preachin gs of Branch Davidian leader David Koresh, Jimmy Swaggart and a Mus- lim Fundamentalist to be named later (sounds like a bunch of players in- volved in a trade) 24 hours a day and for the entire 31-day period. Just for those who have been living with their heads someplace unnatural, this rewporter will explain quickly who these demonic souls are. David Koresh is new to the group above, and besides the Muslim Funda- mentalist to be named later, has been the focus of national attention. He is holed up in a military-style compound in Whako, Texas (pardon me, Waco). He believes the world is going to end in a few years. Hey, dork! If the world was going to end soon, do you still think this re- porter would bother with this stupid article? Jimmy Swaggart (or Swaggert, I’M not sure) is the perverse preacher who’s been arrested for picking up prosti- tutes_ more time than this reporter has been shot down trying to pick up a mannequin. The Muslim Fundamentalist will not be unknown until a few hours be- fore the flight is to be lost. There is a fight among the various factions over who will have the honor of driving Americans nuts. The results of this torture is un- known because it affects different people in different ways. I mean the Mavericks came out this season think- ing they were a pro basketball team. Other victims of Priestess Terrasan include: the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76’ers, the Columbia University foot- ball team, the ’62 Mets, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (how old is this woman?), Hitler, Bennito Mussolini, the leaders of the Crusades. How many losers do you need to prove this lady carries some serious grudges? University President John Wilson says he does not see any danger in the team going on the trip, but he’s glad he’s takeing a different flight. He feels Priestess Terrasan’s threat is nothing more than hot air (careful pot, the kettle’s not that dark). But who knows, the curse might work backwards and the Generals will go undefeated in 1994 and win the Division III championship. Stranger things have happened. OCR::/Vol_092/WLURG39_RTP_19930401/WLURG39_RTP_19930401_008.2.txt Last Week: Base- W&L 4, Yankees 3 MLax— W&L 13, Johns Hopkins 11 WLax- W&L 20, Roanoke 0 MTen— MacNaughton def Courier 6—0,6-1 WTen— Baker def Seles 2 grunts to 1 PAGE ? THE DOME IS COMING By KEG TSAR (or CZ/1R) ofREID HALL After the “Storm of the Cen- tury” (as proclaimed by the Lhi) wiped out 90 percent of the Gen- erals’ baseball schedule, Wash- ington and Lee Athletic Director Mike Walsh announced the con- version of Smith Field into a domed arena, this week. Walsh, Washington and Lee President John D. Wilson, and head baseball coach Jeff Stickley were in attendance at the press conference in the Warner Center to unveil the design. 1 The project is being paid for by the estate of a 1930s W&L graduate, W. Laurence Thomas “Indy” Jones IV, esq. Jones re- ceived an honor’s degree in Ge- ology in 1931. He also taught at W&L part-time through 1934. Jones, an avid archeologist, has been missing since 1989, when S @112 ‘fling-mm iflhi PORTS SWEATY PEOPLE PERFORMING INTENSE PHYSICAL ACTS This Week: , Everything ppd. due to Sunshine ° I EL FIN, 199 HE DOME IS COMING? ’ he was leading a search for the Lost Art of Creativity in Holly- wood. It was the last of three such projects for Jones, only the first of which proved successful. The new baseball arena will displaymanyoftheartifacts from Jones’s 50 years of expeditions and will be named, in his honor, the Jones Gallery of Artifacts and Baseball. Students -may at- tend games on an appointment basis only. The editors of the Phi pro- posed that the university install a retractable dome in order to take advantage of the freld’s surround- ing view. Immediately, the Spec- tator called for a “No” vote. Following a brief debate, the university and athletic depart- ment decided that a retractable dome would not be feasible. As a compromise, retractable fences will be installed, instead. Walsh thinks that this will be more ben- eficial to the team. The playing surface will con- sistofartificial turf, the firstofits kind at Washington and Lee. However, the new surface will not be installed until the 1995 season. In the meantime, Walsh said the team will play on the ivy that fell off of Payne Hall, last month. “[The ivy} will be much bet- ter than that slop that they’re playing on right now,” he said. Most of the players were un- available for comment because the team is presently attempting to make up its canceled non-con- ference games 'at the nearest avail- able fields which were untouched by the “Storm of the Century” (as proclaimed by the Phi). The Gen- erals’ last reported location was Okinawa. However, communi- cations have been cut by a recent typhoon. The E did manage to reach team captain and shortstop Jon Hesse, for some reason on a neighboring island, and asked him whether he preferred grass or “Astro-turf.” “I don’t know. I’ve never smoked Astro-turf,” he replied. According to Wilson, while the team is away, Smith Field has been leased to a production com- pany filming a TV mini-series about a foreign student who french-kisses dead Civil War veterans. Approximately 36.8 seconds of local footage will ap- pear in each episode. In a related story, coach Stickley announced that English Professor David Lynch will re- main at Washington and Lee as an assistant with the basebal team. v “Davey’sjob will be to talk to the guys between innings and keep them up for the game,” said Stickley. “We think, based on his record, that he’ll be a big inspira- tion for us all.” Duane Van “Chip n”’ Arsdale was reached briefly by phone in New Zealand, but responded to all questions with a strange gar- glin g sound. The Jones Gallery should be ready by opening day next year. In the meantime, the Generals were supposed to play a three- game set this weekend with a Philippines Little League team of six-footers, but that has been postponed so the field can be cleared of the ash from recent volcanic activity. Stickley, how- ever, is not concerned about com- pleting the tearn’s schedule. Im- A mediately following the press conference, 26 English majors showed up requesting a tryout. Column to Vent By FED UP I have never been one to bitch and complain, but enough is enough. This PHI sports coverage is pathetic. I mean 20 some differ- ent sports and three people can’t cover it. Cut me some slack. In my hey-day I could cover the Winter and Summer Olym- pics on one cup of coffee and a doughnut (thank you Jim Schoenfeld). Hey! he’s another moron. I mean thank you ESPN for taking My final good-byes: Adios! See Ya! I Wouldn’t want to be Ya! Hasta la vista, baby! its been your pleasure! lt’s been my pleasure! NOT! I AM OUTTA HERE! Barn Apartment for Rent For two people in a private facility. Stalls, individual turnout, use of a ring, jumps and trails. Price negotiable. Call Nick at 992-1069 BYE 11:11 I I I I I llllllllllllllllllIIIIJIIIIIIllllllllllllllllllilllllll _ Fo r Bedroom house for rent for next school year Caring. stable single female school teacher desires to adopt a baby. Financially secure. Can provide loving & fun family. Call collect 804-572-8403 or write P. O. Box 655, South Boston. VA 24592. IIIIIIIIIIIIIII ‘V Support the boycott of Virgins at W&L. or him outof the color commentor’ ~ seat and putting him in 1.ht,.Slu dio. Next stop, the street. But back to the PHl’s cover age. I mean what kind of organi zation would not give blow—by blow details of the varsity bridg club? Come on, now that’; ex citement. Speaking of excitement, any one see the SI Swimsuit edition Not bad if I do say so my dam self. But I digress. The argument I heard aroun the office was that these on reporters had other lives and real work to finish- Pah-shah (thanks Glitter)! What work? I mean what is more important, a detailed de- scription of the men’s 5,000- meter race or an ethics pape? due in two hours? No contest. Speaking of contests, who do you think deserved to be Queen on MTV ’s Beauty and the Beach competition? Number 4 won, but I personally thought number 1 had the best answers on hcfly to save the planet. Enough of this, back to my original topic. Oh hell, what was it again? Jeez-oh-man (thanks again, Glitter), what was it? Oh yeah, the PHl’s sports coverage. I’ve seen the great sporl re- porters like Red Smith break into as many as eighteen different people and cover the globe. Why can’t the PHl’s people do that? I hope next year’s group is better, buthow can they be worse? I’m sure they will spend th; 12 hours in the PHI office every Wednesday night to cover all the sports and to the degree they should be covered, the extreme degree. I Thanks for letting me vent. month for the unit. — Great Location ——- Recently Renovated, painted and new carpet Apartment for Rent Catering to W&L Students — Two-bedroom apartment for rent in downtown Lexington, just a very short walk from the W&L campus. $150 per month, per bedroom. $300 per CLLENT , EX'1‘RA INCOME NOW! I ENVELOPE STUFFING —- seoo - $800 every week - 1 Free Details: SASE to International Inc. 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