OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990401/WLURG39_RTP_19990401_001.2.txt tn... I V. -at C VOLUME 101, NO. 20 An H.V. or not an H.V.? That is the question. The EC gives the answers. And you can take them or leave them. By Yer Momma STAFF WHIPPING Boy Following recent controversy, the Executive Committee at long last ad- dressed student concems about what exactly might be classified an honor violation at its last meeting. All lies, except those listed below, will be treated as honor violations, and will be punished. Punishment includes severe beatings, whippings, and vari- ous deans opening up cans of “whupass,” until the accused with- draws in the face of a closed trial. Ex- ceptions are as follows: ——PrOspectives will not be told the truth about anything. Other than that, students will ob- serve the Honor System strictly so that the university may continue to sponsor conferences of the subject without appearing hypocritical. The EC also addressed the issue Of underage drinking. The verdict: of- ficially sanctioned. The current policy of“wink-wink, shame on you,” will be ended. In celebration of W&L’s new open stance, the entire student body is invited to a raging kegger/hall crawl, to take place between Johnny the Prez’s house, Dave the Main-Man Dean’s house, and Bob’s Chapel. But don’t forget, BYOB! ——Falling asleep, while sanctioned in a classroom setting prior to 10 a.m., will no longer be permitted during EC trials. In the best interest of justice, all representatives should be awake to hear the evidence. —Teletubbies, no matter what color, are not in any way related to snow days, and therefore may no longer be used in arguments in favor of, or against, said snow days. Fur- thermore, there will be no more sin- gling out of the lavender one, as it makes him feel uncomfortable. —The answer to “how’s it going?” will now be answered truthfully. This involves stopping and explaining the full extent of your Crisis of the Day to the foolish and indifferent questioner, instead of smiling thinly and answer- ing, “good.” —The Dining Hall will conduct an apple count following each meal, to ensure that every last one was swiped. In a completely unrelated story, but one that we felt necessary to add be- cause we need to fill the page, a new W&L Handbook has been released. It’s got a pretty blue cover, and it’s called “Come Cheer: the Civil War at 139 years.” While it wasjust too long for any staff member to read in its entirety, it was required weekly read- ing for the nerd-herd at our competi- tion. They can tell y’all all about it when they get done writing their lat- est scintillating 27-word Back Page column. But we digress into the realm of shameless kittyfights. They started it. And we really wish they would really finish what they started in 1993. Ahem. The new handbook outlines several curricular and conduct changes to be put into effect immedi- ately. Among them: —Students will learn to speak “American,” the official language of the U.S. of A. —-In addition, mandatory language classes in “Southem” will now be listed under section 7 of the General Educa- tion requirements, along with C.S.A. 101 “The South will rise again,” C.S.A. 185 “Gettysburg: How that Damn Fool Pickett wrecked things,” C.S.A. 1865/ PSYCH I865 “Coping with the end of the War of Northern Aggression: A nineties perspective.” ——Robert E. Lee will hence be known as “Saint Bob.” Anything less could be considered sacrilegious, and prosecuted to the full extent of the EC’s God-given power. —Weekly pilgrimages will be made to Traveller’s grave, with appropriate offerings of gold, frankincense and sugar cubes to be made. Prez signs on for commencement By I.P. Freely STAFF LIASON TO “THE M4/v " Washington and Lee University an- nounced yesterday that it has finally engaged the President to speak at un- dergraduate commencement. Although reluctant to follow Tradi- tion, President John Elrod agreed to speak to this year’s graduating seniors. According to sources who wished to remain anonymous for fear of tickle tor- ture, the President did not wish to speak as he “couldn’t be bothered with the latest bunch of along, we snapped it up.” Reaction among students, who had been hearing rumors of another distin- guished speaker, were mixed. “I had really been looking forward to the speech of David Duke,” seventh- year senior Tyler T. Taylor XXIV said. “I delayed graduating a whole other year just so I could try out the new Kappa pledge class, uh, so that I could listen to the Grand Wizard himself speak. This isn’t going to be printed, is it?” Speculations about the content of Elrod’s speech are running amok. “We expect khaki-clad twits.” him to read selec- Elrod is re— tions of Dr. Seuss, quired in his con- including the clas- tract to speak and sic, ‘Oh, the Places make nicey-nice You’ll Go,’” Shaw with students at graduation. This promotes a higher rate of alumni re- union participa- tion, and the en- suing drunken idiocies encour- aged by the uni- versity to pro- mote check-writ- ing sprees. “ We just couldn’t be happier to have a speaker of Elrod’s caliber at graduation,” Brian Shaw, director of communications, said. “We intially contracted Mother Teresa, who was to give her message of inspi- ration through a séance, but when the opportunity to have Elrod speak came l phoo by Hugh Hetfner President John-John H. Elrod said. “Of course, there’s always the possibility of de- parting from Seuss, and going with something non-traditional like, ‘Not Without My Daughter.” As usual, Elrod will con- gratulate C- School majors on their wise career choices and bright fu- tures, and shake his head sadly at Col- lege majors and cite the high percent- age of predecessors on welfare. Elrod will resume his rigorous tour schedule with Kiss following com- mencement ceremonies. WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIvERsITv’s WEEKLY NEWSRAG LEXINGTON, VIRGINIA 24450 CLOSE ENOUGH TO APRIL FoOL’s DAY U112 fling-tum Iflhi '*-me... W&L boys make good: New Fowl Temptress album “Empty Silos,” featuring seniors Chad Reynolds and Mac Harris, debuts #1 on WLUR/Lexington charts. Residents of the Rockbridge County Correctional Facility voted the boys “Best of the Year.” The Temptresses will open Mock Con with a little help from their friend Willie. Willie Nelson to open for Fowl Temptress at Mock Con Kickoff By John Galt STA FF WHIPPING BOY The most important band to come out of Washington and Lee Univer- sity will take the stage at the Stu- dent Activities Pavilion for the Mock Con Kickoff on April 30 -— if they stay together that long. Fowl Temptress, the brainchild of seniors Mac Harris and Chad Reynolds, released their second al- bum, “Empty Silos,” last week to rave reviews of everyone at WLUR 9l .5 and WLUR listeners at the Rockbridge County Correctional Fa- cility. The Student Activities Commit- tee confirmed that Temptress will headline the Mock Con Kickoffwith country great Willie Nelson as the opening act. But despite the recent success, the band may be falling apart. “I would hate for Chad to know this yet, but it’s been months since I could even stand to be in the same room as he is,” Harris said. “I feel like his vision for the band has become vul- gar and pig-headed. lt’s reached the point where I feel I have no alterna- tive but to take control myself, just to preserve a kind of fundamental integrity in our music.” Harris says he realized Reynolds had lost sight of the vision when Reynolds made this statement: “Mac and I used to be no-gooders, brig- ands of the lowest variety, pond scum. Hell, we still are, but now we’re okay with it. So we’re better than all you pretenders, and we know it.” Reynolds claims his motivations behind Fowl Temptress have been the same from day one. “It ain’tjust music,” he said. “It’s a way of life, our way of life, where success is measured by the number ofdai ly fail- ures and scraping by is overachiev- ing. It’s always been that way. It al- ways will.” From the beginning, Reynolds has looked to the streets for inspiration. “Even though sometimes I spend the night in gutters, alone — alone, that is ‘cept for the memories ofthe other times I slept in other gutters,” he said, “I always know that when I pick up my guitar the Lord is working through my fingers, making ‘em slide faster and faster over the frets, to Baptize the faithless with licks of fire.” Harris says he always finds more influence through political mes- sages. “When - A A people ask me about our influ- ences I tend to think ofMalcolm Cowley and the folk ballads of the Black Hand organization as the two most im- portant,” he said. “Then I fo- cus on a distant Object and don’t speak for a few moments. This is probably be- cause I am so overwhelmed by their influence.” After the re- lease of their critically ac- claimed single, “Fat Town,” in I997, Harris and Reynolds toured the local educa- tional circuit. Their largest gig to date is the 1998 Rockbridge County High School prom. Both Harris and Reynolds are ecstatic about the opportunity to possibly jam with twang legend Nelson. “We just hope that maybe he’ll talk to us,” Harris said. “Yeah,” said Reynolds. The Temptresses are forced to limit their tour dates due to Reynolds’ diet. “I don’t never touch no yellow-colored potato salad, ya know, the mustard kind,” he said. “cause instead of coat- ing the potatoes it lets me see right through ‘em. Like I’m eating an ap- parition.” Reynolds also refuses to make his own food. “How come I don’t cook for myself? Hell, I ain’t got no de- cent oven-mitts,” he said. Despite their battles over grub and motivation, Reynolds sees a strong similarity between the two. “Sure, [Mac]’sjust like me, only dif- ferent. But the same really, only a little different.” Their vision may be skewed, but at least Harris has remained grounded. “I think I have a realistic view ofthe importance of our mu- sic,” he said. “I mean, I don’t think we will be remembered any more than someone like, say, Hank Will- iams. Or Bach.” The boys of Fowl Temptress entertain their rabid fans at the Yellow Brick Road Child Care Center. “Children understand our music better than anyone else,” lead vocalist Mac Harris (right) said. “It relates to art brut and art of the insane. When you get down to primal, instinctual levels of understanding, that’s when you’ve found the true meaning of our music.” DISCLAIMER: OPINION: W&LIFE: SPORTS: Baseball all wet Elite ‘fling-tum lflhi April Fool’s Day Issue Producing a parody newspaper around April Fool’s Day is an annual Phi tradition. While the articles are all written in jest, the advertisements on page 4 are real. Robert E. Lee invades Kosovo? Celebrities among us PAGE 2 PAGE 3 PAGE 4 OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990401/WLURG39_RTP_19990401_002.2.txt 4 MARCH32, 1999 April ilinnl'ia Bag 31551:: OPINION PAGE 2 Bombing of Kosovo doesn’t go far enough Currently the USA is divided be- tween those who think we must inter- vene in Kosovo to halt a mass geno- cide and those who think we have no business bombing foreign countries. Well, ifyou ask me, we’re not bomb- ing enough foreign countries. 9 Any objective person who looks at a world map will come to one inevi- table conclusion: there are a lot of for- eigners out there. Some of them, like the English and the Canadians, are amusing but harmless. Others are not. Take the French. The United States currently has a non-bombing policy towards France. I propose that we re- verse this policy. I propose we get a few B-52s and drop napalm all the way from Nonnandy to Nice. Think of the many benefits this new bombing policy would have. For one, a lot of French people would be dead. And that’s good news for the world. Of course, critics of this bombing- France policy often point to the one major detraction of the plan: if France is gone, those dirty, deceitful Deutschlanders will pretty much run Salute the flag Buck Turgidson Europe. Well, there’s a final solution to that problem, mein friend. You guessed it: bomb the kraut out of Ger- many! I say this time we get the bas- tards before they start another World War. And come on, let’s be honest. Who’s going to miss the Middle East if we nuked that whole stinking desert? Answer me this: has one good thing ever come out ofthat godless region? OK, civilization, maybe. But that’s be- side the point. The Middle East is noth- ing but trouble today and I think stick- ing it in that great microwave called the US nuclear arsemal and cooking it on high for the next 10,000 years will solve all their problems nicely. Jews, Arabs, Christians, whatever. They all look the same after their skin and inter- nal organs have been irradiated away. In conclusion, the United States of America has a responsibility to itself and the world to use its military might for the good of all. Where there are tyrants, bomb them! Where there are foreigners, nuke them! Where there are targets, hit them! By God, can we do any less? Survey shows 100% of W&L students to drink this Weekend A recent survey conducted in Baldwin’s room Friday afternoon con- cluded that l00% of W&L students plan to drink this weekend. The results were telling: of the four students polled, four responded that they were “definitely going to get drunk this weekend,” zero responded that they “might get drunk this week- The poll is a drastic change from a February 27th poll that showed only 50% of W&L students were drinking this weekend, while 25% were work- ing on a German paper for Crockett and 25% were “smoking up.” President Elrod classified the lat- est survey results as “distressing.” “The worst part is, you know they’ll Question: What are you doing this weekend? 100% drinking 0% other Question posed Point/Anotherpoint Preserve Lee’s legacy In 1865, Robert E. Lee came to Washington College and instilled in that community a sense of honor and per- sonal integrity. As Washington and Lee University moves boldly into the twenty-first century, we must never forget Lee’s heritage of honor. First of all, the honor system must be preserved at all costs. The honor So1_1flE5}7G1aoe GraoeThorn26,’99 system is Robert E. Lee’s great gift to every student enrolled in W&L. We have the academic freedom that other schools only dream about. It’s a shame that many students today don’t think that the honor system is effective. The EC must work hard to promote student dialogue and reassure even the most cynical and pessimistic among us that our system works. Furthermore, we must preserve Lee’s legacy by keep- ing the speaking tradition alive on campus. Too many of us pass each other on the hill every day without so much as a nod. Robert E. Lee knew that civility was important in instilling a sense of community. It was Robert E. Lee’s great hope that Washington College would be a community of gentlemen. With his two-pronged plan of the honor system and speaking tra- dition, Lee hope to attain these goals and showed the same goodjudgement and genius which manifested itself to many victories on the battlefield. We must preserve the legacy of honor at Washington and Lee University. We owe it to General Lee. F*ck Robert E. Lee F*ck Robert E. Lee. I’m sick of hearing about him. Why is everyone at this place always yapping on about how great Robert E. Lee was? Robert E. Lee was a f“‘cking moron. One word, okay? Gettysburg. The A bloodiest battle in the history of the Western Hemisphere. Thanks a lot, Robert E. Lee. Great idea, invading the SEeIman’s March Jeff Sierrnan, ‘(D North. Lee must have been high when he placed his whole war plan around the strategic importance of Harrisburg, PA. What a dirnwit. Robert E. Lee couldn’t even win a war against Ulysees S. Grant, a bumbling alcoholic. And when the war was over, do you think Lee really wanted to spend his final days in some unknown col- lege in bumbletwat Virginia? No, he wanted a cushy professorship at Harvard or Yale. But the respectable schools wouldn’t touch that traitor. The relationship between our school and Lee was simple: we used his fame to get a little name recognition, and he came here because we were the only place will- ing to put up with this half-witted hick for a few years before he thankfully kicked the bucket. If we’re going to engage in inane hero worship, let’s at least pick a man worthy of our admiration. Robert E. Lee was a murderous slavery-loving traitor whose grave it isn’t even worth my effort to spit on. F*ck Robert E. Lee, and the horse he rode in on. . ill: " end,” and none responded that they “won’t drink at all this weekend.” TALKis ack: be drinking some skunk-ass beer like Keystone Light,” Elrod added. . f to a random margmo sampling of 4 €1TOFI2°/0 W&L fratboys. How do the existential philosophies of Jean—Paul Sartre and Albert Camus build upon the philosophic frameworks laid down in Schopenhauer’s “The World as Will and Idea” and Nietzsche’s “Geneology of Morals?” “Well, the Nietzschean concept of “Huh?” “Whazzat?” , , , the revaluation of values has of —wayne Syzlak 00 _Knsten Chalmers 01 course had a profound influence upon Ellie filing-tum lfllii H. Halverston Hovey Tarah “Stoner” Grant Polly “Yes folks, that’s her real name” Doig Stewart Ginga “Soul Sista" Phillips Erica “Mouseketeer” Prosser Stephanie “Lo” Bianco Stephen “The Cajun Sensation” Pesce Frances “Frances” Groberg Kevin “Oh God l’ve been dissed by those witty comic geniuses at The Trident! My life is ruined!“ McManemin Sarah Meldrum Meredith Mlynar Emily “That's enough of the lame nicknames” Barnes Prince Ali Soydan Executive Producers 2nd unit assistant director Gaffer Key Grip Stunt Coordinator Animals trained by Catering by Dated former editor Soon to be fired or lynched Sarah Meldrum played by and Original Score by Based on the novel by and starring Jason Williams as “Business Manager" Matt Lorbel. as "Advertising Director" LION‘ B|'0W|'| as “Man in bar #2" The Ring-tum Phi is published when we feel like it at Washington and Lee University, Swingin’ Lexington, VA. Funding for tonight’s broadcast comes primarily from an offshore CIA slush fund and the editors selling their bodies. Current going rates: $20 an hour, $100 for the whole night. Slightly more for an executive editor, slighly less for features/opinions. Last Word editors are free. The Washington and Lee Publications Board elects the Executive Editors, and way to go, Pub Board. Way to pick a pair of winners. The Ring-tum Phi welcomes all responsible submissions and letters. We love hearing from you! Letters and columns do not refiect the opinion of The Ring-tum Phi Editorial Board, and the Last Word does not reflect the opinion of anyone. This newspaper observes all the f“‘cking current court definitions of libel and obscenity. See, you didn’t even know what I said there because I asterixed that naughty letter out. The Ring-tum Phi 208 University Center Washington and Lee University Lexington, VA 24450 Telephone: (540) 462-4060 Advertising Office: (540) 462-4049 Fax: (540) 462-4059 E-mail: phi@wlu.edu htlps//wlu.edu/—-phi Annual subsription rate: $30 cheap! modern thought, but we mustn’t dis- count the Kierkegaardian critiques of Hegel’s dialectic as a. . .” —Megan McCallister ‘O2 . EYBURN LIBRARY at LEE UNIVERSITY ’ mnntstom, VA 24450 1999 fies 4‘ ‘ . Ote Of the Week: ({ Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! That’s the spot! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh God Yes! Aaaaaaaahh! ! ! —Anonymous sophomore girl (actually it was Sarah Russell) while on her back last Friday night )) Tinky-Winky responds Hello. Hello. Tinky- Winky hello. Hello, . Dipsy! Hello, Laa- 5 Laa! Hello, Po! I ; ..' i Teletubby hello! ‘ < Tinky-Winky give teletubby hello. Hello! Hello! Tinky-Winky playtime. Eh-oh! Eh-oh! Teletubby play Teletubby play. Tinky- Winky like teletubby play. Ha-ha! Eh-oh! Teletubby play over. Eh-oh! Eh-oh! Time for teletubby bye-bye. Bye bye, Po. Bye bye, Laa—|aa. Bye bye, Dipsy. Bye bye, Tinky-Winky. Tinky-Winky give teletubby bye bye. Eh-oh! Bye bye, teletubby bye bye! Tinky- Winky go bye bye. “He’s flaming mad,” say close friends EDITOR Writer offends own _ I superego self; Manyn shocked atfthe editors for allowing such ‘filth oncev-fine paper. “F-—.-‘Robert ,E.“ Lee ,”,_That’s not funny; that’s"just viciouéland juve- , nilt}.‘,D0Ii1’t“IA_ know that profanity never -has aplace good writing? I’m a bad influenceon children. Shame on me. I hope that-Pm never again asked back, to this paper. I disgust me. Ansrili yours, W A‘. Hack '00 ' (pant pantfpant) Still (pant..pant pant) hyper(pant)ventilating (pant pant).ffrom excitement of (pant) “A Nightto_(pant) Remember.” (pant pant 4 into? disgusting and wrong, and I’m- ' V I pant) Oh God (pant) what fun! (pant pant) What a great ‘(pant pant) great I‘ (pant pant) excuse me.’(pant pant) What a great idea! Does anyone (pant) have a paper bag lean (pant) breathe Kevin McManemins of tomorrow? 5 Brothers and sisters and transgendered persons of all persua- sions, it’s time to start taking our- selves too seriously! Unite against A comedy! Throw out the vile joke- 9 mongerers who have the audacity to Sincerely, (pant) L Jessica Rommel ‘O2 letters to the campus papers iast week, I feel I have not yet done enough ‘coin: P plaining. You see, I am an informed and ernpowered member-or. society “ and my opinion matters. People care , whatlthinlc I’m surenexttimethecarm pus columnists sit down at their word processors, only one.th‘ought'will be running through their minds: éiwairs minute, I hope this won’t offend Kara McCrank. Her opinions matter. She is V ’ not just a knee-jerk bleeding-heart re- 5 9. actionary with too much fi‘ee time.” ‘ The topic of my complaint letter this week is: complaint letters. I don’t think enough people are writing com- plaint letters to our papers. If we don’t take a stand against any opinion ‘we disagree with, what’s to keep the Mike Agnellos of today from becoming the Although lwrote twoicomplaint. laugh at our problems rather than com- plain about them. Kara McCrank ’o2 Anyilovely ladies need an FD date next year? 9? Hey. Howare all you lovely ladies doing tonight? I’m just writing this let- ter to let you all know in advance that my socialcalendar is yet unfilled for FD next year. " Applications to be my FD date are now available in the University Cen- ter. Ladies, don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Include a photo of yourself and an essay on the theme “How far I’m will- ing to go on the first date.” Finalists will be notified by May lst. Good luck! Yours, The Dreamboat ’01 from War, he tluepeaple who brought you “The 5 rmislt Avmericmt ” “ Vietnam do nflict” and “ reamin” comes: —get shot down in state-of-the-art stealth bombers —meet people from strange and exotic locations and kill them —protect our American freedoms by shoving democracy down some other country's throat whether they like it or not BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE. KILL A FEW FOR UNCLE SAM. call 1-800-YAY-4WAR and enlist «vu- paid for by the US Army “We almost never lose” vn OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990401/WLURG39_RTP_19990401_003.2.txt MARCH 29, I999 mil 3Jinnl’a Bag 3155112 W&L IFE Becca Dupps David Howison Joe Hawkins Tim Showalter Courtney Love David Hyde Pierce Anthony Michael Hall 5&7 John Stewart Mac Harris John Jensen John Belushi Joey Shuffield (Fastball drummer) Téa Leoni Joe Mclntyre Denise Wallin Fran Drescher ‘Y Tom Wadlow Chad Beynolds Judd Nelson J 0minatrix’s popular traveling show is big hit with students By Jenny Jones FOR T HE R1NG- TUMPH1 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the second greatest show on Earth is coming to Lex! Yes, you heard right, Madame Purgatory’s S&M Show is coming to the Pavilion on April 1. You’ll laugh, you’lI cry, you’ ll kiss your inhibitions goodbye as Madame Purgatory makes it a night you won’t forget. “I love this show,” junior Staci Eversol said. “I see it every chance I can. Itjust gets better every time!” Madame Purgatory (real name: Bar- bara Murphy, formerly ofLincoln, Ar- kansas) and her traveling show have been on the road for nearly 10 years ‘ now. She started the act, she said, out ofa need for a “liberating experience” after her husband left her for a 19-year- old figure skater. Barbara Murphy the iousewife was no more ~ Madame Purgatory was born. “I knew I needed a change, some- thing drastic,” Madame Purgatory said by phone from her last stop in Poughkeepsie, New York. “I had some leather left over from when I made my husband a new belt for Christmas . ‘before I knew it, I had created Madame Purgatory.” This five-foot-seven, red-haired, thirtysomething Southern belle set about making her show business dream come true. She recruited two assistants from her divorcee’s support group, bought a van and some sup- plies, and took her show on the road. I ‘She’s never looked back since. “It’s wonderful,” Madame Purga- tory said. “We do one show in each location, then move on. Some of our fans follow us from place to place, like we’re the Grateful Dead or some- thing!” To hear the fans tell it, the show is worth all the attention. Madame Purgatory’s show includes herself, two assistants and boxes full of props. “We bring the props with us ev- erywhere,” Madame Purgatory said. “Sometimes, they even come in handy in emergencies. We once towed the van out of a showdrift with the bull whip, and the candles come in handy for power outages.” The props are used most often during the show itself, though. Audi- ence members vie for the chance to be one of the dozen or soivolunteers that Madame Purgatory accepts dur- ing the course of the performance, and those lucky enough to be chosen go on stage to become part of the act. “I couldn’t believe it,” senior Brett Farley said ofthe time he was chosen as a volunteer during a performance in Waukegan, Illinois. “She pulled me up on stage, and one of the assistants blindfolded me. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.” Madame Purgatory and her assis- tants use the volunteers to demon- strate both classic tastes and the lat- est trends in sadomasochism. Themes run the gamut from tamer games such as bondage to more exotic demonstra- tions with whips and hot wax. “We try to keep up with the indus- try,” Madame Purgatory explained. “We do a lot ofonline research to see what’s out there, what’s popular among the S&M set.” They keep safety first, though, by instructing the audience beforehand about the use of“safe words,” words that let the women know when to stop what they are doing. “Safe words are important if you’re going to get into things,” she said. “I mean, ‘no’ doesn’t always mean ‘no’ when you’re caught up in it, but when the bottom [person receiving the pro- cedure] has had enough, he can say ‘red,’ like a red light, and the top [per- son giving the procedure] knows that it’s too much.” Does “yellow” mean warning, then? “Absolutely,” Madame Purgatory said. “‘Yellow’ means ‘watch out, we’re getting close to the point where I say “red.’” And people can have other safe words, too, like ‘horse’ or ‘diamond’ or something like that. Something unrelated to the role-play- 73 mg. Madame Purgatory herself dresses the part of the dominatrix for the show, complete with stiletto-heeled boots and leather accessories. She emcees the performance with the aid of a head- set microphone, like the one Garth Brooks wears. “It’s very freeing,” she said ofthe microphone. “It keeps my hands free for more important things.” Disco lights and themed music complete the effect ofthe show. Ma- dame Purgatory said that the music is usually soft, to offset the louder sounds on stage. “I spend a lot oftime yelling dur- ing the show,” she said. “The music keeps me on track, keeps me from get- ting too into the show. Otherwise, you never know what might happen.” She sees the show as a sort of therapy, getting her over her past and on to better things. “It’s such a release,” she said of her new life. “I never knew that being powerful could be so much fun. lt’s addictive.” Of course, Madame Purgatory does have her opponents. Protesters some- times picket outside the locations where she performs, but the picketers don’t bother her. Madame Purgatory Whips into Lexington Photo courtesy of Madame Purgatory Madame Purgatory poses with one of her volunteers during a recent show. Her traveling show has made her famous, and students can’t wait to participate when she comes to Lex. “I pity them,” she said. “They have such small minds.” Many people who were once op- ponents find they support Madame Purgatory once they experience her show. ‘‘I was wrong to think she was evil,” Father O’Connelly of Green River, Maine, said. “Her show is fabulous!” Madame Purgatory’s S&M Show will begin at 8 p.m. on April I. Stu- dents can get tickets in front of the Co-Op or from the scalper at the door. Tickets cost $8 for the four-hour show. Students wishing to be volun- teers may want to arrive early and get good spots near the stage. “I‘m gonna be there at least three hours early,” freshman Eric Vogt said. “I can’t wait to be part ofthe act!” the perfect -Tired of the same old choices‘ in the opposite sex? _ I Create-A-Mate® has your an- « swer. The company will make ‘ you a state-of-the-art, fully functional mate, perfect for all occasions. “ Here’s how it works: you send Create-A-Mate® a pro- ‘ file of your dream person. Be sure to include height, weight, eye color, hair color, humor level, thoughtfulness quo- I ’ tient, sex appeal, I.Q., shoe size and religious preference, just to name a few of the charac- teristics. Then Create-A- Mate® does the rest. Within six to eight weeks, your ideal mate will arrive vacuum-sealed and ready for use. ' Activate your mate by in- jecting 10 cc of Orasol, con- veniently included. Your mate will be fully functional and in- teractive within 15 minutes. These mates are 100% bio- logical human beings, no ad- ditives or cybernetic com- pounds included. Your mate will have been grown in the specialized gene farm at the Create-A-Mate® laboratories. And all mates come with a 90- day money-back guarantee. Just write to Create-A- Mate®, Milwaukee, Wiscon- sin, for a free brochure and profile form. Then, send the fonn and $50,000 check or money order to Create-A- Mate® and just sit back and wait for your mate. —- from stafl reports OCR::/Vol_101/WLURG39_RTP_19990401/WLURG39_RTP_19990401_004.2.txt PAGE 4 Rugby scrums up unlikely victory By Austin Tod Powers MAN or MYSTERY Washington and Lee Team Strike Force finished 3-for-4 on the first day of the 61st annual General Lee Rugby Tournament. Junior Ben Smith led Team Strike Force with eight rugs as the team won its first game 46-32. Freshman Tom Lee and sophomore George Wiley scored four times apiece for Team Strike Force. The team held the University of Virginia to a .146 rugging percentage on the day. Team Strike Force lost its second game to the Quakers of Eastern Men- nonite. The crowd of 19,000 had to be restrained by the considerable secu- rity force when senior Mike Watson was called for an illegal rug with only six ticks left on the clock. The Quak- ers then broke the 49-49 tie with their free rug. Jeff Jones led Eastern Men- nonite with 18 rugs, his season high. Team Strike Force won its final two games, a doublerugger, against James Madison University Presidents. Wiley led Team Strike Force with 13 rugs in the first game, which was ended by the 20-rug rule. Sophomore Jay Richardson led the Team in the sec- ond game with l 1 rugs. Bonnett again was stellar in goal for Team Strike Force. He limited the Presidents to only 14 rugs in both games. Co-Captain Watson was rather pissed following the game in which he was called for an illegal rug. “I was really pissed,” he said, “that I was called for an illegal rug.” Watson said once the call was made and the game was over. “Well, I did cuss that bas- tard ref out,” Watson said. Coach Lilly Houston said she was “proud of all my sexy boys.” After the game, she said she hoped to get‘ “all my little men insanely drunk and high, then make three hardcore porn videos.” Coach Houston is in her 26th year coaching Team Strike Force. The real story on the day came dur- ing the team’s first game against the Presidents. With only 46 seconds left in the fifth quarter, a monkey dressed in a French Maid outfit ran across centerfield. After a drunken Alpha Sigma Sigma yelled loudly to point out the monkey to the many spectators. Not long after the ASS’s antics, a 400- pound cycloptic woman began chas- ing the monkey. One anonymous fan said, “She kept yelling ‘Giddy-up.’ That’s all I heard her say. Well, that, and she mumbled something about The Trident Back Page." Team Strike Force (22-8, 1 1-3 SEC) will host the Rockbridge County Rugby Club on Wednesday at 3 p.m. “We’re gonna be kickin’ asses and takin’ names,” Coach Houston said. Then she grabbed my ass. S April §lInnl’a 35:11; 3155112 By Stone Pooper (HE-THOUGH or I T) This past Wednesday, two mem- bers of the Generals baseball team scored what may have been and ever will be their most unlikely vic- tory. Unbeknownst to anyone at Washington and Lee, or in college sports for that matter, seniors E.J. Murphy and Bryan Lewis are in- credibly graceful when submerged in water. Tuesday, the Generals baseball team traveled to Ohio State Univer- sity thinking that they would be taking on the Buckeyes in a Wednesday double header (hey — there’s an April Fool’s joke right there). In what W&L head coach Jeff Stickley could only attribute to “an [athletic department] office mix up or a cruel, cruel joke played on us by some big shot ODAC official guy,” the Generals found that Wednesday’s game would not be one of the baseball variety. om H€;7T3T.;U3 . i - . IT stunt 010 PERSONS , ' H BAR-— JET SKIS - PARASAILS “HOME OF THE WORLD'S LONGEST KEG PARTY" FREE DRAFT BEERALI. WEEK LONG-CALI. FOR INFO! I 1-800-488-8828 www.sandpiperbeacon.corn (*rates per person) 17403 FRONT BEACH ROAD- PANAMA CITY BEACH, FL 32413 The baseball team was registered to be the first competitors from W&L in a NCAA Division I synchronized swimming championship. But, when the confusion was made apparent by the obvious differences in appear- ances in the teams at the OSU meet, the Generals were given the opportu- nity to respectfully withdraw. Stickley, however, declined the of- fer. “When given the opportunity to compete for an NCAA championship in any sport, you take what you can get,” he said. The question then arose as to who would represent W&L in the pair’s duo performance, the first and most cru- cial event of the competition. For many of the teammates, there was no ques- tion that E.J. Murphy and Bryan Lewis would lead the team to victory. “When it came time to decide,” said sophomore Bill Christ, “Ijust couldn’t think of two guys that would look bet- ter swimming around together wear- ing bathing suits covered in sequins than E.J. and Bryan.” So_with the cheers of the team and some whispered words of encourage- ment and a poolside slap on the rear from junior Chris Stakem, Murphy and Lewis took to the water. Their performance was incredible, winning them the NCAA champion- ship and sending the favored Lady Buckeyes home with a disappointing second. “I didn’t even think those two would be able to swim much less pull Newly Renovated Econo Lodge 540-463-7371 Parents’ IIISBIIIIIII Free IIBII with nemote N0 Smlllllllfl HIIIIIIIS H88 cllllllllfllllfll Breakfast «v, ‘Q? 8 MARCH 29, 1999 Baseball reveals new talents at OSU off some of the unspeakable things they did in the water together without drowning,” said one anonymous judge. After the meet, Lewis and Murphy had little to say and offered no answers ~ to speculations that they would be making an appearance at the Olympic trials. As for the rest of the team in the group performance, the results were not as favorable. The program quickly fell apart when junior Christian . Batcheller received a swift kick in the nose from the expertly pointed toe of Lewis during the opening sequence. Catch the Generals baseball team back in action when they face Eastern Mennonite University on Tuesday, this time on a baseball diamond play- ing baseball. flzinldng of Summer Employment Opportmoities”? Special Programs Resident Assistants June 15-Aug. 3, 1999 The Office of Special Pro- grams employs 5 W&L stu- dents to serve as Resident Assistants for a wide variety of Special Programs includ- ing Alumni Colleges, Elderhostel, and adult con- ferences. Duties include housekeeping, attending all meals with guests, bar recep- tions, and shuttle driving. An outgoing personality is a must. Application deadline is March 31, 1999. For more information, please contact the Office of Special Programs, Howard House, 463-8723. F G. Willake’s Restaurant 6: Lounge Qht '1‘ A x A l)\'.«\ N TAG li l) S ()1. L? T I () N S l’ R (I) M T l A A - C R I‘: 1“ IF YOU THOUGHT COLLEGE WAS EXPENSIVE, TRY PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH RETIREMENT. : great tasting food * friendly Service SRAs and IRAs makes it easy. 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