OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_001.2.txt . 1 ii . . 8. ‘-.mM'»'*~"“" ' . =A_ y-A 9‘-4”‘ ‘.f‘ cw J -:“‘:53 THou sHAlr HAVE NO OTHER GO_dS DEFORE ME What women really want ® K U112 ‘fling-tum lfllii as as VOLUME 95', No.48’ WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIVERSITY LEXINGTON, VIRGINIA it You’re outta here! Photo by Chick in the Flak Jacket, The Ring—tum Phi’ By MiA WALLACE Twist Champion of the Phi Staff In an unprecedented action, the Washington and Lee University Board of Trustees announced yesterday that they have “changed [their] minds” about choosing John W. Elrod as University president. John Wilson’s replacement will be none other than “Sexpert” Suzi Landolphi. In a press release the trustees ex- plained this unexpected change of plans. “Washington and Lee students are concerned with the relationship between themselves and the administration. They believe their student autonomy is being threatened. We want them to know that . we understand theirGeneration X angst. We want the students to know that we’re in touch, that we’re...how do you say...cool cats. With this in mind, Landolphi seemed the ideal choice. She loves them crazy kids.” Washington and Lee’s Executive Committee introduced the new mass honor trial in Lee Chapel Thursday. All students were instructed to stand while the charges against them were read by special guest prosecutor, Bob Tompkins. After booting all the students suspected of committing a honor violation, Tompkins was found guilty of misuse of fund and a cocky attitude. His diploma was revoked. Current Landolphi’s acceptance speech was originally scheduled to be held at Lee Chapel, but in a nod to the affection W&Lstudents have for tradition, moved her appearance to Evans Dining Hall at the last minute. Landolphi stated that it was “way cool” to have the honor of “lots of plans” for Washington and Lee. Landolphi plans to officially change Michelle Richardson’s title to Dean of Fun so students won’t have to learn her proper title. She then hopes to team up with Richardson to start a series of Condom Coffeehouses. Landolphi has already begun plans to convert Lee’s former office in the base- ment of Lee Chapel to a branch of her chain of stores condom stores, Condomania. The response of Washington and Lee students has varied. Although Evans Dining Hall was packed with students eager to hear Landolphi’s ac- ceptance speech, some students were unhappy with the announcement. When asked his opinion about the Landolphi presidency, Spectator editor Allen Gillespie said, “What? No, no, it can’t be. Tell me you’re kidding.” In an interview with the Phi, Elrod stated that he was “fine with Landolphi’s taking the job.” Elrod has chosen not to return to his previous position as Dean of the College. He instead plans to take over the presi- dency of Southern Virginia College for Women in a glorious and bloodless coup d’ etat. Elrod says that working at SVCW will be a pleasant change APRIL 1, 1995 Elrod nomination retracted, Landolphi new W&L president he explained, “Mimi and I can just relax and ride horses.” Elrod does, however, have more plans than just horseback riding. He says that the first item on his agenda is to officially change the name of the school to Sem. Elrod said, “Sem will fit much better on sweatshirts than South- em Virginia College for Women. Be- sides, it’s shorter and our students will have a much easier time remembering it, plus by the time they graduate most should be able to spell it.” The trustees have accepted Elrod’s resignation and have already announced his replacement as Dean of the Col- lege. Paul “Pee-Wee Herman” Reubens will take Elrod’s office at the begin- ning of next year’s school year. When asked by the Phi to comment on his new position, Herman answered, “I know you are, but what am I?” Herman also expressed excitemen‘ to be reunited with an old friend from the time he was in jail. In a completely unrelated story, the mere mention of . which demonstrates questionable jour- nalistic integrity, Herman andPhi con- vict/Executive Editor Dan Odenwald were cellmates. Said Herman, “Coming to Lexing- ton will give Dan and me a chance to q freshman EC rep Z. Taylor Shultz said he hopes to fill Tompkin’s shoes someday. holding an office originally held by Plagues hit Lex, arrest of Christ last fall term believed to be cause By DAUGHTER or A PREACHER MAN Phi Member Who Fears God The water fountains and bathroom sinks at the Lexington Police Department were emit- ting a red substance one police officer said was “blood” yesterday in the fourth of a series of possibly related incidents which began last fall. “Honey, y’all know we just can’t drink blood,” said chief of police and friend to women everywhere Bruce Beard. “It doesn’t get your hands real clean, either, you know what I mean?” The incident occurs several days after swarms of unidentified flying and hopping insects filled the cells and offices of the police station. A convict who was arrested in a completely unre- lated incident, said the insects ate all his deli- cious prison food. “It was bad enough when they locked me up with that horrible scary person, Dan Odenwald, but then the locusts ate my eggs,” said Jeffrey Dahmer. “I mean, a man’s gotta eat, you know?” It was unclear whether or not Dahmer actu- ally enjoyed the bloody water. Police analysts, working closely with Wash- ington and Lee alumnus Pat Robertson, say these incidents may be linked to last fall’s arrest ‘of “Eric” Christ. In a completely unrelated aspect of this story, Christ spent the night in jail with Dan Odenwald, future Phi Executive Editor and butt of Prof. Jennings’ jokes. “I guess it goes to show that you shouldn’t mess around with our Lord,” said Robertson, who added that he would be asking for funds on his weekly television broadcast to restore the “Hall o’Pedestrian Safety Plaques” which was mostly destroyed by the-insects when they built nests among them. Goatee said he was unsure about what steps to take. “I mean, honey, in Egypt and all, I would have just let the people go,” said Mustache. “But, honey, I don’t have any slaves, and I’ve gone to confession and all.” A local minister called the incident “plagues.” “It’s all there in the Word,” he said. He cited the recent incident in which all the power was cut off to the entire city of Lexington, except the Sigma Nu fraternity house and the Graham- Lees dormitory, for three days. “Read your I->See ARREST, pg. 2 Trustees vote to force ALL to live on campus By NELSON M. QUIRKE Phi Staff Writer Starting next fall, all Washington and Lee students will be required to live in university housing full time. W&L’s Board of Trustees passed the universal housing requirement ear- lierthis afternoon byaunanimousvote, then stamped their feet all at the same time, causing serious structural dam- age to the foundation of the James G. Leyburn Library. Dennis Manning, who will fill the newly created position of Czar of Freshman, Sophomore, Jun- ior, Senior, Law School, Hill Dogs and Residence Life, said the requirement will take effect beginning next year. The policy will destroy the local Robert E._‘.,¥’,.ee. She said that she has of pace. “No more whining about tradition!” catch up on old times. Old? That’s the secret word!” Suzi Landolphi: Hot, Sexy, and President The Ring-tum Phi booted from campus after 97 years for violation of White Book Bob Tompkins. , By, THE GIMP “However, they broke the rules and they Phi “ Crippled Phat” Boy must Pay}, The Executive Committee forced The In addition to closing the Phi, Webb kicked all current members out of school. Ni’ 1 t t k d .11 fr Ring-tum Phi to stop publishing after this Dan Odenwald was the only staff mem- ma es 3 e m‘‘.’ at an W1 lee "3 issue forviolatingsection OPPKIBHJKYof ber Who Could bo r€3Ch€d- This reporter rerital. SP.aCes 1'? nearly every. case the White Book by reporting on the mass spoke to him in Lexington City Jail. He was bliilldmgm I‘e"11.ngt.°“f' Fratefinlgy men honor trial held in Lee Chapel Thursday. there on an unrelated charge. He said he W‘ commueto New men" y °“Se.S’ Phi Executive Editor Sarah Gilbert , was plans to appeal the EC’s decision but the Board of Trustees also unanlié quoted as Saying ’ “The R,-ng_mm What? Section OPPKIBHJKY of the white I "‘°“S]y "°'°d ”.“"’i‘°3' "".‘s"";‘,’y]°°“ I've never heard of any such publication.” Book says that no campus publication can foriq tcgalgelin G%llil:8SNilEllci£eate EC president Kevin webb said he regret- publish any details of honor proceedings. more unified houfiiirfg) exiiaerience ted forcing the Phi off campus. Since the Phi published a list of the stu- A Hunka- Hunka Burnin’ Sarcasm a . . ' “I’m sony to see them go, especially dents removed from school, the charges ‘ :gI;‘ij:1et‘l:’e?lg:1nei:lr:S‘:l{zSiat‘ig()r$)(zli's since they did such a good job exposing the ahgainst thtlaini and the name: of thelir pets, This week saw the release of the Brian ‘The King" Richardson Com- decided“) suppressthe Students, inde_ misuse of funds by former BC President t ere was itt e question 0 t eir gui t. «\ memorative Plate. The Franklin Mint commissioned the plate due to the pendence that has made W&Lfamous.” massive requests by J201 students seeking recognition for the professor who taught them everything they know about writing. The campaign is was spearheaded by Linda McCormack, Ernest Hudson, and “Skeet” Thrasher. Because there is not enough hous- ingforallstudentscurrentlyavailable, ‘I wanna do Catherine Robb. “See H0USING»Page2 -- Fllcx Christensen. future Phi Opinion Editor OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_002.2.txt The Nation Gephardt questioned Police brought Sen. Dick Gephardt in to be questioned for the Gingrich tattooing incident. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich woke up on Monday morning to find that the inside of his right thigh had been tattooed with the expression Straight But Not Narrow. Jackson haunted by father- in-law’s ghost Earlier this week Michael Jackson left his Los Angeles home and travelled to Graceland. Jackson made the trip so that he could make peace with his father in law. Jackson claims that Elvis Presley has been haunting him since his 1994 wedding to Lisa Marie Presley. The Trial Kaelin to star in new video Brian “Kato” Kaelin, of O.J. Simpson trial fame, has landed the leading role in the Executive Committee’s new freshmen orientation honor system video. Kaelin is hoping that this, along with his recurring host position on Talk Soup, will lead to roles on such quality television series as The Simpsons. O.J. out of retirement? Following Michael Jordan’s lead, former football and court room drama star O.J. Simpson has made a bid to come out of retirement and reclaim his place on the football field. However, the National Football League has informed Mr. Simpson that his unfortunate incarceration may affect his playing time. The Campus Xi Pi Xi wants to affiliate with IFC President of W&L’s fifth sorority Betsy Green has asked that Xi Pi Xi be allowed to affiliate with the InterFratemity Council. Green claims that the members of her organization feel it is important to blend into the mainstream of W&L’s Greek system. In the true IFC spirit members of Xi Pi Xi are opposed to Winter Rush. VMI and W&L to merge The administrations of Washington and Lee University and the Virginia Military Institute announced on Monday that the two schools will become one starting with the 1995-96 academic year. And in the spirit of gender equity, freshmen women will also be required to shave their heads. But according to the cadets, women will have to marry a cadet to get the true VMI experience. Weaver to produce line of styling products Junior Richard Weaver, in addition to producing a future Grammy winning album, plans to produce a new line of styling products. Weaver hopes to include a hair frosting product For W&L I Yellow. He claims he will not send any free samples to the Trident. Beyond the Blue Ridge is compiled by Bethany Bauman T R'n -tum Phi A rill 199 w W&L students assaulted by Lex By AMY FISHER Phi Staff Slut and Gun-Toter Washington and Lee students have always considered Lexingtonto be some sort of Utopia, where violent crime is not possible. On Friday, March 17, this vision was proven to be just an illusion. That night, two Washington and Lee students were accosted on their way home from a party. Three Lexington residents, believed to be students at Rockbridge County High Schools, ha- rassed and attacked the students using a slingshot, a pea-shooter, and several sticks. According to the W&L students, their attackers stopped them in front of Sharks on Nelson Street. They began by calling them names such as “Dummy,” “Puke Face,” and “Dork.” When the victims tried to ignore the taunts, their harassers revealed their weapons and demanded beer. When the students‘ told their attackers that they had no beer, only a half-filled flask, the scene turned violent. Ac- cording to the two victims, their at- tackers attempted to swing the sticks at them, used the slingshot to attempt to hurl small pebbles at them, and shot peas at them through their straw. After approximately two minutes of fight- ing, one of the attackers noticed that it was past their curfew and the three left, presumably to go home. One student was hit in the back of the neck with a pea and was treated at the infirrnary with Sudafed and Extra- Strength Tylenol, and a year’s supply of birth control pills. The other sus- tained no serious injuries. “I was terrified,” said one of the victims. “Sure they were only sticks, but you don’t understand. They were really big sticks. I mean, really big.” His companion shared his fear. “If you’ve ever been the victim of a flying pea, you know how I feel. It smarts, it really does.” The two students also voiced reser- vations about going out at night in the future. One of them said, “It really changed the way I feel about Lexington. It’s just not safe. I don’t think I’ll be walking around much more after dark, unless there’s like, a really good band play- ing. Or if they have Natural Light.” Three teenagers were arrested Sat- urday morning and were taken to Rock- youths, police arrest suspects bridge County Jail, where they shared a cell with The Ring—tum Phi felon/ future Executive Editor Dan Odenwald. Odenwald said, “Yeah, they were pretty shady. Hey, what the hell are you doing writing about my arrest in the paper? That doesn’t have anything to do with the story at all.” Washington and Lee head of secu- rity Mike Young advises W&L stu- dents to be careful when they are out after dark. He advises students to avoid poorly lit areas, to try not to walk past Sharks, to walk in groups, and to wear turtle- necks. Young said, “There’s no sense in anotherstudentsustainingapea-shooter injury like that. Remember, Lexington can be a dangerous place. Be careful and watch out for that Dan Odenwald.” Dean of Fun finds funk with Clinton By Lrsr ME Sr-:r You UP Phi Match Maker As the strains of Harry Connick Jr. ’s “A Wink and a Smile” rolled through her University Center office around 5 p.m. one Friday evening, Michelle Richardson readied for yet another night on the town in Metro-Lex. “I just haven’t had time to think since I was on that Dating Game show,” Richardson said. “I have men calling me at all hours of the day and night, trying to convince me that they’re Mr. Right.” Richardson, however, has no desire to change her name to “Michelle Richardson-Right.” As 5:03 p.m. rolled around, a familiar face showed at her door. “Hi, Georgie!” she said. “Dosen’t the pink jumpsuit flatter his eyes, Sarah?” Ever since Michelle Richardson and George Clinton met during Richardson’s appearance on Washington and Lee’s would-be equivalent to “The Love Connection,” starring Washington and Lee’s would-be Chuck Woolery (or maybe that guy on “Studs”), she has been sleepless in Lexington. Week- end trips to Tahiti, or even the Mothership, evenings jamming with the Parliament Funkadelic, or just hanging around thrillin’ or watching PC U on video, it has all been, in Richardson’s own words, “kinda fun.” Richardson remembers that fateful day when she met the man of her dreams. “I was on that ‘Dating Game’ thing,” she said. “I had to choose between the Bachelor #1, Bachelor #2, and Bachelor #3. I chose #2 and the rest has been one big party.” Richardson said she chose Clinton because she liked his answer to the question, “What is your favorite body part?” Clinton answered, with a groovin’ lilt to his voice, “I want to do it to you in your earhole.” Richardson said she does not regret turning down the other two choices, who were Professor of History Jefferson Davis Futch and sophomore Chris Wick. “They didn’t have any good answers,” she said. “Bachelor #1 just kept raving about how he would treat me just like Queen Victoria, whatever that means, and Bachelor #3 couldn’t stop talking about how much he hated funk music, school spirit, and student activities.” Clinton says he likes Richardson so much because she’s “truly a * * **** * spacechild—I just *“"“ thrill ****1UlK* **#*##**** hen” When he heard her voice, Clinton said he had a “* * * * good "‘ * * "‘ * vibe” about Richardson. “***#=lI* **IlU|I#**lKlI¥$ tttt ttttfii lflfifii,” he said. Richardson isn’t sure yet how dating George Clinton will change her lifestyle. “There’s only so much I could really change anyway. There aren’t any places where you can get feathered extensions put in your hair in a place like Lexington.” Richardson does admit that Clinton (or “My little funk muffin,” as she . -~ .- .- - a x" ‘. Cto, th -Funk Go .9 calls him) has had some effect on her lifestyle. “I’ve been eating a lot of Lee-Hi cottage cheese. It’s ** ** funktastic, man!” On-campus housing required everyone Trustees decide all students should live in Gaines or Woods Creek I->HOUSING, from page 1 several students will live in newly cre- ated quarters beneath Lee Chapel, on the top floor of Lee House, and in a special “tent city” to be constructed on Wilson Field. “The new ‘tent city’ will be named ‘Wilsonville’ to honor our departing president, John D. Wilson,” said Manning. “There may be confusion about the name, but let’s face it, every fire hy- drant here is named after somebody. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.” Asked how he felt about the naming of the new facility, retiring President John D. Wilson replied, “I’m deeply honored?” According to Manning, the univer- sal requirement may raise up to $800,000 of additional funds. “Before students react badly, they should ask themselves just how many little faux-metal alumni dedicatory plaques $800,000 can buy,” I->ARREST, from page 1 Bible, young lady. Right there in Exodus. The land of Egypt was dark for three days, except for the houses of the Israelites.” The minister equated the fraternity and Christ’s dormitory with the “people” of Moses in the Bible. In an even more serious incident last week, all of the dogs in Lexington except those in Red Square developed a serious allergy to R.D. Clark and died within 24 hours. Robertson said he was going to comer the market on lambs before the next Passover which he pre- dicted would come any day. “I plan to give all the proceeds to my alma mater,” Robertson said. .“That is, if they name that there chapel after me.” said Manning. Junior Andrew Olmem disagreed. “Once again the administration has decided to suppress the students’ inde- pendence that has made W&Lfamous.” Manning said he is of the opinion that although there has been “some scattered student opposition,” the policy will be in the best interests of W&L’s future. Manning said that the new policy is comparable to four-year housing re- quirements at other universities. He said that it is rare for students to have This is such a copyright violation. 1 know I’m going to go to jail (with Dan Odenwald) for using thi. the freedom and flexibility of living where they want to live for two years. “Before the Wall came down, not only university students, but ordinary citizens, had almost no say about where they lived. “They just lived where they were told, and they never complained. I expect no less of W&L’s students,” Manning said. Junior Andrew Olmem disagreed. “Once again the administration has decided to suppress the students’ inde- pendence that has made W&L famous.” Christ enjoys dinner in the D-Hall after being bailed out of jail by his disciples. Selected Quotes From the Phi Quoteboard “Widows are bad. They should just be taken out and shot” “Sex is cool, but not in Lee Chapel.” “Why is it foaming so much?” “Because it likes you.” “I got hit on by my suitemate’s mother” “My body was too bruised to feel good.” “My mother has a pair of glasses like that. She uses them to look at young boys.” “I don’t lick rocks. It’s a self-respect thing.” OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_003.2.txt Top 10 Places to Hook Up in . Lexington, VA COMPILED FROM STAFF REPORTS 10. Lee Chapel Wait.’ We can Jo it, but Suzi Lanalolplii can}? 9. Leybum Library 24- hours of books the Internet, anal goocl lovin 7. 8. Liberty Hall Ruins Anything taller than it is wicie is a phallic symbol "' Wink. 7. \X/ilson Fielcl Hey, our football . team can ’t score, but we sure can. 6. Post Office Stamp prices aren’t the only thing on the rise. 5. The Ring/tum P/ii Olliee. All the [ooove that’; [it to print. 4. The Palms "Screaming Orgasm " isn,t just ‘ the name of a drink 3. Drive’ln‘ $1.50 clate can 7t get any better than this. 2. Gosllen Pass Wet n’ wilol. 1. My room 1\/tiff’ said. 5.». Pearl Jam rejoices as they find out. SAB contracted them. SAB brings Pearl Jam to W&L by LUDWIG VAN HALEN Phi Music Reporter The Student Activities Board has announced Pearl Jam will play the Student Pavillion March 31 in an attempt to convince students that it actually does have a clue when it comes to selecting bands. Pearl Jam is currently touring in northern Virginia and was looking for a small, conserva- tive, and generally backward college to play. , 2j‘fAl'ghough_j(’s l')Qi.0l1I normal fare, it sounded like the description fit, so we went for it,” said SAB Entertainment Director Drew Denbo, Wayne Newton was also touring northern Virginia and gave Pearl Jam a run for its money for the SAB contract. Students “strongly urged” their friendly SAB members to vote for Pearl Jam. “Personally, I wanted to book Wayne New- ton for the March concert, but the death threats influenced my decision in favor of Pearl Jam,” said Denbo. The SAB has been criticized in the past for its less than popular decisions regarding choos- ing bands.“l think the final straw was when they booked New Kids on the Block,” said junior Kiki Moronos, “l m,ean,_§ liked them when I was young, but it’s different now.” Senior Biff Lohser agreed.“Pearl Jam or Wayne Newton? Even though Wayne Newton is related to “Wayne” Night Owl Wayne, Pearl Jam kicks,” said Lohser.The student body de- manded the SAB take a moral inventory of itself in an effort to mainstream their attitudes toward music. After an extensive review of its internal working structure that involved two tons of chocolate pudding, several barrels of whip cream, and a life-size poster of Roseanne Barr (excuse me, Arnold. Wait didn’t they get a divorce?), the SAB emerged reorganized and invigorated. ‘‘It was a lot like fraternity initiation, kinda of scary, kinda messy, and really gooey,” said SAB member Kris Swick. In a completely by Elbebeth Fahrvegnfigen Karajan Von Hinderberg PAGE 3 unrelated and separate incident, sophomore Dean Alanen was arrested Saturday night for being drunk in public. He spent the night in jail with Jesus Christ who was visiting his little—known brother, Vinnie, serving time for grand theft auto. Pearl Jam was excited about the concert. “Michael Stipe of REM said W&L was one of the best concerts they played, so we decided to give it a shot,” lead singer Eddie Veddar said. The SAB vowed to make a concerted effort to try to lure more attractive bands for W&L’s listening pleasure.“If it turns out half as well as ‘REM, then we should be doing great.,” said Denbo. IO. l’ve bet gou’ve never seen the upstairs of a fraterhitg house before 9. 5. 7. 6. 5. I'm a drunh prospective. Kiss me, cute bog! Let's go bach to mg room and drinh some good beer. Have gou ever made out in a government building before? You have great legs. l’d lihe to mahe them into a nechlace, 4. I've met gou before...it was in an erotic dream. It was wild, it was crazg, it was incredible.” —- said at a fraternitg partg (The girl responded ”Reep on dreaming.") 3. Is gour father a thief? Then who stole the stars from the shg and put them in gour eges? 2. Wanna go see the view behind the librarg? I. I'm wearing bedding material, would gou lihe to lie on me? — a gug at Sigma Phi Epsilon’s Caveman Partg who was attired in sheets OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_004.2.txt @112 ifling-tum lfllri The Student Voice of Washington and Lee Founded September 18, 1897 The $;,onlva~\¢ou$ P0¢«i'{C$ Act 1 FA.’ ¢J.'l>pf This is an editorial about everything, about life, about God and the beatnik botthavista generational explosion of love, freedom, deep thought, poetry and everything good about the world. This is about dollar mugs from a vitamin manufacturer full of good, cheap wine and bottles of dark beer late in the night, smuggled in and out in backpacks, coat pockets, anything. This is about Biblical references mixed happily with sexual connotations until we wonder which is more holy. This is about DJD] and deep discussions about noth- ing for hours. This is about making decisions, impor- tant decisions, late late at night at wits end and having them be the basis for the way 3000 people see me. Life, you know, is short and will ultimately end in happiness if you live it right. This is how I see it. God is there, there for you if you will just listen to him late at night and sometimes when you lie out in the sun alone with only the distant sounds of humanity to remind you of the world. This is what I have learned at Washington and Lee: respect the South, respect and understand that alcohol can be a benefit, you can learn to drink socially, or you can learn alcoholism, either one can come from a four— or five-year stint at the Grand Old School of the South. Jack Kerouac was all right and all wrong, had it right about meditating on the world, knew how to write a sentence like none you’ve ever seen, but he wasn’t successful the way I want to be, the way this school has taught be how to be. I’ve learned the value of conservatism and a well- placed word of praise. Learned to flatter without lying, learned to tell the truth without pissing everyone off. Learned to be a lady when I could, learned to be hard- edged when I had to. And I have more patience than the day is long, than the night is cold, than — but you know the story has to start at the beginning, not at the end, and this is really the beginning, a beginning I have been waiting not—so—patiently for years, almost here, thanks W&L, thanks Robert E. Lee, you will have made it happen. So I have earned what I could not buy, and maybe I will be the better for it. Maybe we will all have been the better for it. Maybe I made a difference. But I never stopped loving. I’m the only one, but I never stopped, not even. . .and that is the reason I have gained from Washington and Lee what I could have gained nowhere else, given here what I could have given nowhere else, this is the reason, this is the right way to understand the world, or at least I hope. (This is beat. You’re not supposed to understand it all. Or any of it, for that matter. Just be, just listen to the rhythms of spontaneous thought. The best writing is done in a trance, the pre-Raphealites knew it, the religious bards knew it, Kerouac knew it.) Quote of the Week... “The best way to understand the rhythms of humanity is through the unalterable state of the universe late at night with several shots of Old Elijah Craig under your belt.” No one said this. It just sounded cool. But, hey, you can pretend you said it if you like. Glliiz itling-tum lfihi The Ring-tum Phi is published Fridays during the undergraduate school year at Washington and Lee University, Lexington, Virginia. Funding for The Ring-tum Phi‘ comes primarily from advertising and subscription revenues. The Washington and Lee Publications Board elects the executive editor and business manager, but The Ring-rum Phi’ is otherwise independent. Letters and other submissions must be in the Phi‘ office, room 208 of the University Center, by noon on Tuesday to appear in that week's edition. Letters, Columns, and “My Views” do not reflect the opinions of The Ring-tum Phi Editorial Board. Advertising does not reflect the opinion of The Ring-rum Phi’ or its staff. This newspaper observes current court definitions of libel and obscenity. The Ring-tum Phi Post Office Box 899 Lexington, Virginia 24450 Telephone (703) 462-4059 Fax (703) 462-4060 Executive Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ‘- ’‘’'‘-~'’‘ ~‘-‘-‘’’*,''‘ T News Editors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - '. ._._T’_"(i" “ 4 W Editorial Page Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 3-‘? I‘. 2 ~ Sports Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _/ j‘ [E , Assistant Sports Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ’ ‘ f _ . Features Editors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,_ ‘ ’ Photography Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. H .‘ 4, T,_ I Editorial Cartoonist s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , ' ' ' ' .~ - " Editorial Page Assistant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. “III '- "'7." _ l “ " ' x-,v.‘+«.<’€', ;x.-‘.- -3. _ Business Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ransom James Assistant Business Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .MaIcolm Burke Advertising Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frost Bush Advertising Assistant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Robert Nelson Advertisement Composition Artist . ., . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mark Tobias Advertising Staff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Melissa Byrd, Jenni Grant Circulation Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Stephen Williard race ‘Tim is «nun ‘Peer. 1'41): )5 ‘In: nun race, Ac‘l’uAin , u0&’TI1 hnnuc. OPINION HEY, u1HA'1"5 THAT Box IN FRONT oF THE co-oP? The Ring-tum Phi, THE VERY FIRST DAY OF APRIL, 1995 I DON'T I<’NouI- ’musr NOT Er: IMPoP:rANT. Alex Waxes almost oetic in an attempt to parody the practi- cally un—parody-able FAR MIDDLE x Chri n 11 Some people might think it’s easy to parody yourself. I mean, comedy isn’t really that hard, when you get down to brass tacks. As Dick Van Dyke told Richie’s second grade class, “Comedy is the art of the unexpected.” He demonstrated this by leaving the room and walking back in, then trip- ping. Then he, like, acted like a tight- rope walker except he was really right there on the little raised platform, and everybody knew that if he fell, he wouldn’t fall very far. Boy, those sec- ond-graders were laughing like crazy. But then, they were being paid to... So anyway, the point is, it shouldn’t be very hard to come up with an amus- ing few paragraphs to lighten your miserable hearts, new full with the knowledge that you’ll soon be leaving little Lexington and heading to exotic locales throughout the Southeast and Europe. « But nooooooooooo. That would be too easy. See, the thing is, I’m a little sick right now. Every time it gets to be good weather, I come down with fits of sneezing and coughing and term pa- pers due. It’s almost enough to make me believe in divine justice, if God was like, a real spiteful old codger who likes to watch good people suffer. And now, a short poem, composed when I was eleven years old: The angry crowd grew silent, The officer took me away, All because I painted the mayor in a little lingerie. That’s right, I was writing social satire when I was just a cute, little boy. But why include it in your parody col- umn? you ask. First, to show off the fact that I knew how to pronounce “lingerie” when I was eleven. But basi- cally it’s an excuse. I’ve been writing non-stop since I was eleven, and now, well, I just need a little break. Say, I could do what I do on my wanted to hear, that member yells out, “That’s it!” Unfortunately, the process is still a bit rough, since the deejay is the only one who really knows what he wants, and he can’t really hear people when they yell out, but...uh...think of the technology! Breathtaking, ,;no? So, see, my idea is, I’ll just start on popularradio a par- show, “The ticular A I e x parody- Christensen t y p e Program,” idea, Gummy _ ...r.vhen I put a five-dollar a n d broadcast on bill in the change-making ma- t h e n 91.5 FM ‘ ' _ when I WLUR m_ chine in the Graham Lees think ington from laundry room and only got of an- midnight 102 four quarters back. Imagine other a.m. CVCI)’ O 0 0 I1 8 , F , i d , y whatmighthappen ifGranim 1,“ just night——no, were elected to the White move not rock fads, House on, and no, not my "' before well-worn w e Reagan im- know pression—no, this time I mean the amazing new technological break- through called Interactive Song Search (ISS). This process is so high-tech that I can’t fully explain it to you unless you’ve taken some advanced computer science and electrical engineering courses, but I’ll try to give you a brief idea of how it works. The deejay (stay with me here, I know the jargon can get confusing) puts in a CD and explains that the ISS is about to begin. Then he will hit PLAY on the CD player and listen to the first song, along with the teeming audience of rock fans. They are trying to find the song the deejay wants to hear that he doesn’t know the name of, but he does know what album it’s on. When a member of the audience thinks that the deejay has found the song he it, the column will be done! This week, my columnwillbeabout Pedro Wilson, the governor of Califor- nia. I believe I have revealed here be- fore that he and his compadre, Miguel Huffington, are really illegal aliens sent here to take over the government and drive first California, then the world, into bankruptcy and despair. Now, Pedro has come one step closer to ac- complishing that goal, forming a presi- dential exploratory committee into whose accounts he can funnel his food stamp money and welfare checks. It’s a heinous plot, and since I’m from California, it’s my duty... Y’know, the basic problem with Pat Buchanan is, he’s a liberal panderer. That’s right, you heard me. Pat Buchanan has sold out his loyal sup- porters and moved into the camps of the left, abandoning we good protec- tionist, isolationists without so much as a (Sarah Gilbert, Phi Executive Edi- tor: “This column better be enteitaining...or it’s your a** I”)... I have a bad feeling about Phil Gramm. Ever since he announced that he was running for president, it seems like I’ve had a lot less money in my pocket. I remember this little mini- Depression started exactly the day af- ter Gramm announced. Sure the stock market hit 4000 about that time, but, not by coincidence, that’s also when I put a five-dollar bill in the change- making machine in the Graham-Lees laundry room and only got four quar- ters back. Imagine what might happen if Gramm were elected to the White House... . If there were any justice in this country, Cecil Andrus would already be President. I lived in Idaho for five years while he was the governor. While he had been President Carter’s Secre- tary of the Interior, his Republican replacement had signed a devil’s deal with the U.S. government allowing them to store nuclear waste at the Idaho National Engineering Laboratory in Blackfoot. Andrus fought the ruling in court, lost, then personally stopped every shipment at the border on the grounds that the trucks transporting them were unsafe. He once turned back a truck because the light bulb in the glove co when I put a five-dollar bill in the change-making machine in the Gra- ham-Lees laundry room and only got four quarters back. Imagine what might happen if Gramm were elected to the White House...mpartment was burnt out. This is not a man who would bother consulting the UN about invad- ing Haiti... Good night, folks! Thank you! I’m here every other Friday! Very other Friday Here in the Phi W 7 at Y. 9 V V I f OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_005.2.txt Page this is a cry for help a The R° -3 11],‘, A '1 1, 1995 , W&LIF E mg "" ' P" / I.’/?@# ‘Z. ax: [1/#@§> 7/T ' 4 ‘@1995 Tribune Media Services. Inc. L All Rights Reserved. Poem U "'é§E;T£‘§ -‘iz‘$?l’iE-iA§"»23.‘mF9:%aaesv euw... 49.. jSmith@AOL.com 2-1 ‘"398 an-u NO SI .12!!! :IO <|IrI$!lOSN3) SIHL QL ‘)N|dllO))V Dpgnne IN ‘THE 19906., ,—a THE EX- FILES... 01995 Tribune Media Services. Inc. *l All Rights Reserved. DA'nNc-, IN ‘IHE 19705., / -5. »/v 1’ D C u (33? F! A W” 9: . \ ~ FOR PEOPLEWHO sf“ ' , ‘Y7; £9‘; 0 I 1 I . ~, LIFE THAN A PAYCHECK. -' i If you’re a youxgg man or woman oo ng . 4. at a humdrum future, L-°°kI 3 ‘"1"’ there’s a challenging -but 313" 9 7° W’ alternafive—the Army. ‘M’; u‘. Lt, Tomorrvw Notjust the __ . Ix“ 4 more than 250 skills (’ 7° ‘h ‘*6!’ or . ' to choose from, but km/Q you run m... Z the lifestyle. The , [ chance to travel, to I do“ If /mew 5,54; V I OHM 4/ 4 ';r 9 7 become fit and trim and exercise your mental muscles, /.\’\ A {_ D ' ta , 9% 1, 2 /\ /\/_‘ " too. To do things you didn’t think you could do. T o be ,5 L” Y ‘* '9 O 0 ’ ey . e /14 proud of yourself and your country. Q ‘talk! :43 aloe 000 1 a .,, L- And you get a pretty good paycheck, too. ~ \ T Why do» ’# you ‘ f 9 ‘ _ & ' 0 L.'% on X‘ 3 ‘V \ 2 . f '95‘ ; ‘ ARMY. B 5") A ”“'°"“""‘ sesrsgtaaaaafizlms _____________________________________ __ ON R 0, “ r ‘- ALLSALEBIKES MARKED DOWN 1.5%-30% DO YOU LOVE W&L? : : Diamond Back, T_REK,_Brid estone, Giant, u HOW TO HANG ON TO YOUR DOUGH; : Fun warfannci Cgfigaééndflu ffige Service WANT TO GIVE TOURS E (WITHOUT CRAMPING YOUR STYLE) ': y y AND SHOW OFF YOUR SCHOOL q : E STUDENT llSl1I3(C;l1:ITTT1€I(I%ll3I'ITI(§(I§MMITTEE' } £3 Separate “needs” from “wants.” . CATALOG OUTLETS ' I Hint A bed is a Need A MIT MiC"OPh0n€ i Pick up an application in the Admissions _Office this = mm = I W=““-ire"“Pti°‘t‘;2::*3s::s‘ms-2% r E £3 S rt th b." b t I h E T SHIRTS $4.99 giéy 81%;, FREE nterviews W1 e on are , , an . . pl e I u ony pay yours are. . I Why put in for someone else’s swordfish : E I if all you got was soup? i G AP & CATALOG JEANS $10.88 _ . ' 5 E ' Train and make your first parachute A) Set aside money for emergencies. N - - - - - - E Unless you'd rather call your parents E I NCREDIBLE EJ:tUyou E 5"“ 5‘“"‘* M MEWS & B°°‘S & Wm" "’ E emergency cash?‘ a new cardeusually within : " WOMEN’S . J . J S 24 hours, and help replacing vital documents. E Sat. March 25 _ 20% PRICE € 4 € 4 I "Based on available cash line. I u E E T,G,1_1:, 11 S. Jefferson Street E E Catalog Outlet " Lexington, VA 24450 I - I - ; “'i§f.:f.:?’§.1T‘.“;.?;’Z.i?B':L‘:” 5 463-9588 1 - ‘ ' ‘ ' ‘ - ' ‘ ' ‘ ' ‘ ' ‘ " ' ‘ ‘ ' ' - - - ' ' - - ‘ — — - ' - ‘ ‘ - -_ o o - EVERY DAY Men’s/Women’s Hair & Nails ‘I, MasterCard Credit Cards? rfanrds-C:n;.-Box-503%.-H'3L1;v;o;.-Ff33525.: rt f I . ' ‘ Nouyoncnnhnvctwoolthcmootncognlaedund ' . O. a Inent 0rRen accepted credit earns In the ue_dd..VlaI9 and Mnsleflhnlfi I ~l%ItW&0l Qdlt . 3 West Preston °"°"e‘:'e‘e*';';'fY,fA“;e"e';*e"Ww§e"N'I;°g‘mge5g’R}_:'j : oudsappmed Immediately. «ms uuuuurum o Downstairs ~ .......::.~‘:.:.°..-'..': :.:'=..;~:'.;ao::';:'.;:::..m°-'*'..:.~°.‘:: 3 Apartment STORI-ZS—1'UI'|”l0N—ENTERTAlNMENl‘— , NAME ' . . . memzucv cAsH—1-iciu-:1s—m-:s'rAunmis— ADDRESS ' Wlthln Walking -Ho.rrzi.s-uom.s—ms-can RENl‘ALs— ' n . Rl:PAlRS—AND1'OBUI|DYOURCREDI1'RA1‘|NGl : C111’ ________ STAT!-:_zIP u DlStaI1C€ Of W&L "‘ - ‘mm a ' Cam us C - "M ,9!» :3 §$.‘¢'°‘c'£§.';.s. : SS’ : can 261 6:78 Aft A p "° 59°'"'"3! 159905“! : Milt-Mulacaudtnulugblctvduldznunidnnteiaudlntnudlovnlilc. ' er ‘ V “M SE“ THE coupon TOD" ' VIsIIsoIcg!slcluHIIdtnInuilVlSA|1SA.|III:uIlVlSAkIknIIIoml : Youn CREDIT cums ARE wanna! . , OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_006.2.txt The Ring-tum Phi, March24,l995 PAGE 3 INION , ° GENERAL W V h’ d h D ea er. The man be in t e ream NO 8 TE ' GREEN D Me: Is there anything special you At least not in this country. k Funkaliciltgus, man. Le H_ k LAN sleep with at night? Me: What ‘sthe biggest mista e Me: owaitresses at e- ias . . RW: My picture of Sophia Loren. you ever made? And it better not have you for your autograph? Sleep Lessons Betsy Green She’s so hot! Kind of like the future anything to do with the Xi Pi Xi semi- RW: No, my phone number. Mrs. Richard Weaver, Lynda Carter. formal. _ _ _ Me: What women’s clothing do The Washington and Lee Film 'i._ It was a dark and stormy night. Me: What supermodel is your fa- RW: Being nice to the Trident. you find sexy? Society is proud to announce their Miclrelle Richardson is offer- The time had come for my inter- vorite? . Me: Bitter, Snookums? RW: Veils. . nextfilmpresentationsleepby Andy ing Smiling lfissons for campus view with Richard Weaver. He ar- RW: Miss Crawford and I choose RW: No. I 11 Just give them my Me: If you were goiingtosask your- Wax-ho1.Thefilm willbe screened at groups in need ofa sense oflruruor_ rived at ourrendevous pointbehind the not to discuss our next album on self a question in an interview, what 3:00 p.m._ on Saturday in the Trou- The EC, rne college Republicans, cafeteria at Hollins College. He was personal life. eight track. would it be?_ _ badour Cinema.'I'here will be a one the Staff of The spectator and the s wearing a sequined jacket with an Me: d IA: a """'j ::"" d Me: What R_ RhW: Wgiich do you like better, hour dinner break. lpc are strongly eneouragedro at- excessive amount of zippers and one supermo e , oes ' t our o youicarry ap me or . asgow. ' rend Donarwonyibe nanny glove. Afterthe SecretService cleared she have any SUP“ He arrlved 9 b W1thY°U1nY0UT M? which do Y0“ hke benerr away, our invterview began. powers? rendevous point: 9' backpack? Raphine or Glasgow? _ , Jobsg! Me: Which Jackson isyourfavorite RW: Miss the cafeterla at REV: sfe- t l(i§a.Sdg0Vl/I,lb6Ca1:IlSfu Il;lSB elgsesr and why? . Crawford and. I Hollins College. He cm Cy 0 lie’ l(i)na uni‘; _n ge.-frmlliii a g . Th°1'°Wi"“b°3Y°°ePti°n$7300 Interested in the clitoris and its I RW: Rebbie, because everyone choose not to dis- _ my C0mP“ ei 35‘? ‘lghass 81 Sh Hh_ r,_rn_ on Friday in Fairfax Lounge location? work fonhe PM Meet_ Me’ Kmd Pfhke our rea as W1 ' I 8' - qulned Jacket wlth fy d-t 5 Rw. if d t disc rnade W55 the f°“°“’"‘g J°b °PP°"“m' University Center at 7:00 p.m. ev- RW: That sRe°'BEE' Me: Aside from ° 0 cm 1 car ' min a.c°':npac . ties: Secretary of State, Secretary of e Tuesday Me: What’s the deal with the cow- having dinner with an excessive amount statements; out of gum.l mthinking of letting the Commerce, Secretary of Housing 1'3’ - i’ b°YRbv‘&°t;i: f . $:1?f::_‘ri:i(i Ian): Of zippers and one Elm“: forgwmj Trlfigf giegéfwsifigokumss and Urban Development, and Sec- 3 CY,” ml’ W3Y° eXPT°551“g = _ i ‘ ’ ' . . ta of Trans rtation. my Southern (Florida) heritage. , was, the best date glove° Afler the Se autogratpllired bio, as long ash] pI'OVIdt(ii hisli re ry P0 Care Me: I’ve noticed you usually don t yolig; evlenrnhad? cret Servgce cleared (S/)£ll8lS 0 0; iolrica Iiie erfincest Ort 8 gum, 6)’ W h. t dbe _ t k . D at socks with : y time - - i e i. s a con ex. _ as ing onan emenin er- ii/if:atl;()s((>)t:?S 0 you we the girl, like, gives away! our lnvtervlew Yell...just in Me: What do you wear to sleep in? Inlageconsultant ested in yv&L women can learn in RW: No. I like my feet to bond with me stuff. Merchan- began. Case somebody RW2 My Sophla Loren PaJ3m3S~ 9 about their proper care ataseminar my footwear to give that natural feel. dise is so key. wants one. Me: Did you. ever own Underoos. Avery busy group is looking for on plants. TOPICS‘ to be addressed Me: Your hair: explain. Me: Who was Me: Could RW: I did indeed. They were a spin doctor to revive tarnished will include fertilizers, soil types, RW: It just grows there. I comb it the first girl you had you Just call up Superman. I used to run around with image“inieresrednarriessnould con- and the amount ofwater needed for sometimes,“ a crush on? _ George Clinton my cousins wearing them. We only tact the EC potted p1ams_ ’ Me: Do you have any styling tips RW: Tammy Meads! Iwas eleven. andiisay, “Hi, George. It s me. What s stopped recently. . for me? She was tall, taller than me. That was up? i - « _ ‘ Me: What sthe coolest thing about RW: Useabrushwith, um, bristles. pretty much the appeal. RW: He doesn thave aphone in his me. And ducksauce!Justkidding. (Laughs Me: How’d that work out? _ house. We speak telepathically. He s RW: You asked about my under- a]oud_) RW: I’m not married or anything. feeding me the answers right now. wear. y o B etsy Green. More than you ever wanted to know Vi Me: What if they then ask you your major? cheese. W&L. thinking, “C001; HOW I Can drink m0l’¢-” DREAM LAND E. Green: I say, “I major in looove.” Thenl Me:What is your fascination with the Me: What would be your talent if you en- Me: Imagine if there was no heaven... R. h d W laugh ironically. Wonderbra? . tered. the Miss Isabel Ana Verde: That would suck. lc ar eaver Me: Who’s more talented: Lamar Villere or E.A.G.: I justlike America pageant? Me: What s love got to do with it? Chris Wick? tosay it. Wonderbra. W C ‘ j“""""_ Miss Betsy: . Greenie: What’s love but a sweet old—fash— y, Betsy Green. Beat-poet. Subaru driver. Xi Betsy: I’m a bigger Lamar Villere fan be- Me: What else do , . Sleeping with the ioned notion? _ Pi Xi. Shell credit card holder since 1968. cause he came up to me at FD and told iilnii he youL like to slay? I m a bygger Lamar Villere ludrgvies. wh i’ liyliez S3, tip yciniliilite t lik I lik Fashion model. thoughtlwasfunny and was nice aboutt e act izzie: etitia. ei _ 3 S as s 61' 82 n 0 . U I10 l_ 6 I C What else could there possibly be to this that I had no idea who he was. Susong. Me gusta la fan because he came up to "lie yourfavonte place coffee.I like both of them, but coffee is a better woman? We find out. Me: If you recorded a duet with Lamar lie c h (1113 g a_. atFD and t0ld met he thoug t oniiampustohang COI(h){li. I .V I P k 11 Am i , .f ‘ten Villere, what would it be? qipaje... etsy is I was nn an was nice ou . _ l e: s a - a rea y erica s avori Me: Who’s better: Diana Ross or Martha Liz: “Hello, I Love, (Won’t You Tell Me forced to stop) b t ta‘ t t I had no Elizabethean: mail?‘ , _ . Reeves? Your Name),” by the Doors. _ Me: If you had to (.1 0“ e ac (1 The weight room Elizabetsyi It s not my favorite mail. My Betsy: I like Diana Rossbecause she’s better Me: What do you think Chris Wick would pick an area ldea who he was. in Games because favorite mail IS sexually suggestive postcards. to sing along to while I’ll driving along in my think about the recording? . women’s college to then I can watch I love sexually suggestive postcards. Subaru. Bets: 1 think Chris Wick can bite me. attend,‘ which one i i i all of the anorexic Me: The kind you buy at the W&L book- , Me: So, it’s like Rush, and someone asks Me: How do you like your Stop-In dogs? would it be and why. girls on the Stair Master thinking, ‘Wow, now store? you where you’re from. What do you do? Elizabeth Ann: I like my Stop-In dogs like] Lizmeister: Sem, because I would be vale- I can have low fat dressing on the side with the Bess: Yes, because you can charge them Elizabeth: “Your dreams.” like my men: with mustard, relish, chili, and dictorian, and it would be an easy commute to salad I’m having for dinner tonight while] in home. it 1' V Students Needed! I Earn up to $2,000+/month working for Cruise Ships or Land-Tour Companies. World Travel. Seasonal and Full-Time employment available. No experience necessary. For more information call: Cruise Employment Services (206) 634-0468 ext. C53421 s Interviews and Photos by Darcey Livingston ‘ it ' lkb k? May I ask you a question for Ta ac . V Y 7 )1 Cathy Resmer, ’97, Cathy Celeste Resmer, ’97, “Boomer” Resmer, ’97, C. Resmer, ’97, The Cathy “The Animal” Resmer, Carmen Ramirez, ’97, Eastpointe, MI—“NO!” Beverly Hills, CA—“Sorry, but Berkley Springs, WV—“Nope. I’m Rainforests ofBrazil—“lfyoucan ’97, New York City, NY— Barcelona, Spain—“Me gusta el you'll have to talk to my agent.” fixin’ to go out and hunt me some find me....” “Uh...uh...no. Uh...l mean...yes. No! sgato.” ‘V . possum for dinner.” Uh...yes! Uh.... What was the ques- tion?” OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_007.2.txt The Ring-tum Phi April 1, 1995 ’ PAGE HEIIISTGGTBI K “ .4.‘ ._. -_< A MEANS Low PRICES e V Golden Ripe Bananas .’c”>”}°“’i’.§£T.‘"‘£S:"2“2/ 209 ~ Stmdel_1s.23%z. Waffles 16.5002. ' Selected Varieties Ice , _ , . . . . File Photo A sam l of what s coming 1 e upcoming W&L swlmsult lssue. Hey, I couldnt make ' lear. My integrity j wouldnt allow it. Enjoy! Let us 1 Perdue Fresh Fryer Selected Varieties . . a an A Drumsticks Or Presidents Chg1ig(e139 % s ..,,.tL“,}.3'..‘.'.'.’}’§‘,l.{"° 3: Thl.ghS_Ib. I Cookies __ 12' oz. iclnedn no pmbkxn. on to pay. ‘ — ' _ A Fast lieu» Isilosrsl havl « Mrs. PauI’s Light Cod Or Calldayormgm1+1Q5:-5_3Z‘e;3§;];=7;*g24 an nsconniuai r ‘ F'"et FL 33022 Flounder HARDWARE stones " ' weekly assembling circuit i boards/electronic components Hardware, Paint, and Related Items at h°m°- E"P“*’ie“°"* “““e°' essary, will train. Immediate N K FE Open Mon. - Sat. 8:30 a.m. - 6 p.m. Sun. 1 - 5 . . Opegirilgi igoéogggocil area‘ . P E. Nelson St., Lexington 463- a E-XL 1-02C:7 44 E 0 r HELP WANTED . Valley Men/Women earn up to $480 9 oz. . E C / / . Pe si Or Diet Gzcitden Cribkg 2eL5?si Z % n I er % % ‘ 0, no.5 / . _ / 32 Oz 1 . ° F,,-4?" 12pk_.12 02:, (.:ans . .. 5’ % Ladies ’S hoes, Clothing % ‘Y 1 "a”°"°’89 andA ccessories % . 4 Olleaetge‘/t'_.__.22 oz. Ra.In_4-15 02.. O sex’ i ",”e""" 39 ’"‘’’‘’‘'’’_°’ 79 . Winter Clearance Sale / Kelioggs 1050 Oral B % / Pop-Tarts _11'oz. Toothbrush c1t. % % '?"‘$=.$€:...'="'a*.=..*':v'*!!t€:r,':.!:.,fi§:.Nl$z.t5 ii,§‘.;§f:;“3: 4 On|y.We ReserveThe RightTo Limit Qu’ " 5. None SoldTo De ’.we G|ad|yAccept Federal Food Stamps. //I OCR::/Vol_094/WLURG39_RTP_19950401/WLURG39_RTP_19950401_008.2.txt Last Week: Men's tennis knocks off Argentina’s David Cup team. Former W&L baseball player John Harding S @112 iking-tum Elflhi PORTS This Week: * Baseball takes on Florida State on Saturday. New W&L swimsuit calendar to be published on Tuesday. signed as replacement Philly. T PAGE 8 BASEBALL, LACROSSE, TRACK, TENNIS, GOLF APRIL 1, 1995 F Really strange and bizarre Bookwalter nightmare By READA BOOKWALTER Phi Assistant Sports Editor The greater metropolitan Lex- ington area is just not a haven for successful sports teams. Besides our awesome Wash- ington and Lee Division I sports machine, which continually turns out professional draft picks, and VMI, who played the North Caro- lina Tar Heels this year, where is our next biggest sports city? The answer is Washington D.C., which currently boasts three major professional sports fran- chises. Actually, “boasts” is not the correct word to use, considering the teams are the Redskins, Bul- lets, and Capitals. The Redskins finished 3-13 last season, the Bullets are occu- pying the NBA Eastern Division basement, and the Caps are not exactly tearing up the NHL. The amazing thing is, there are people who actually get ex- cited over them. If you ever get really bored someday, turn on HTS. When there’s not a lawn bowl- ing or a jai-alai match on, most likely there will be a Bullets or a Caps game on, or even worse, a Bullets replay. During commercial breaks, a young man fills the screen, yell- ing, “Johnny 0 here, BIG BUL- LETS FAN!” This man has guts. He is the only person l’ve ever seen who openly admits that he’s a Bullets fan. At least he’s honest, but the viewer has to question his mental stability. Recently, Johnny O proved how big a Bullets fan he is by showing highlights of Patrick Ewing dunking over the Bullets in a promo for an upcoming Knicks-Bullets contest. Maybe then you’re wonder- ing how a team of Washington sports figures (including the Georgetown Hoyas, who while presently are getting lucky in the NCAA Tournament, possess some interesting personalities and names) would fare against a squad of NBA All-Stars. OK, probably not, but stay with me during this dream se- quence. Washington starts Juwan Howard at power forward, Don Reid at small forward, Allen “The Mad Bomber” Iverson at point guard, Chris “The Wanna-Be Mad Bomber” at shooting guard, and the NBA’s perennial weight problem, Kevin Duckworth at center. The All-Stars counter with Eric Montross at power forward, Charles Barkley at small forward, Muggsy Bogues at the point, Vernon Maxwell playing shoot- ing guard, and His Shaqness, Shaquille O’Neal, manning the pivot, not to mention co-captain Sue Deutsch. John Thompson directs the Washington attack, while Gary Fallon and Verne Canfield co- coach the All-Stars. At the announcer’s table are Dick Vitale, and of course, Johnny 0. The first half is a display of basketball at its best. Reid fouls out five minutes into the contest and is replaced by Othella Harrington, who fails to grab a rebound or score for the remain- der of the half. Iverson commits 17 turn- overs, and Webber connects on 1-16 three-point attempts. After Thompson grew weary of consulting a sun dial to time Duckworth’s movement up the court, he yanks Kevin and inserts the 7’7” Romanian legend‘, Gheorghe Muresan, who imme- diately trips and falls. The Stars fare worse. Max- well is ejected after he jumped into the stands and fought all 15 of the people present for heck- ling him. Shaq and Montross are both tossed for arguing after Shaq smashed a backboard over Muresan. Shaq completes the perfor- mance by falling on his butt. The Stars’ Christian Laettner replaces Shaq, but is also given the hook after he deliberately stomped on Muresan’s face. Washington receives ten tech- nical free throws as a result of the ejections, but Webber, normally a 95% free throw shooter, cans one of them. “Webber’s a PT player, babeeeee!” hyperventilates Vitale. “BIG Webber fan!” Johnny 0 adds. At halftime, Washington leads 10-2, and while the W&L march- ing band and cheerleaders enter- tain the fans who have come dressed as empty seats, Fallon rants and raves at his team in the locker room. “You’re all pathetic!” he bel- lows. “My football teamscored as many points in our first three games as you’ve done in this half. You absolutely reek!” Incited by Fallon’s speech, the All-Stars came out pumped to start the second half. Bogues repeatedly dunked over Muresan and the All-Stars’ Dennis Rodman, sporting a head of grass, collected 37 rebounds in the second half as the All-Stars roared back to within 17-13 with less than eight minutes remain- ing. With the game tightening, Canfield and Fallon inserted their secret weapons, forwards Robert Hull and Cam Dyer, and center Mark Connelly, replacing Shawn Bradley and Will Perdue, who both fouled out. Sparked by these first-round picks, the All-Stars embarked on a streak. Following Washington’s Desmond Howard’s dropped alley-oop pass from Heath Schuler, Rodman sinks the first basket of his career to push the Stars into the lead for the first time, 28- 26 with 55 seconds left. Hull fouls Webber, who with the pressure mounting, calmly steps to the line and bricks both free throws. “I hate all of you!” bellows Barkley. . Washington received another chance after Barkley travels. Washington’s Boubacar Aw fed the ball to a confused Muresan behind the arc. As the buzzer sounded, # which loads six rows back in, the seats. The Stars prevailed 28-26. A deliriously happy Bogues finished with 7 points to earn, honors as the game’s high scorer. “Yaaaahhh, what a game!” Vitale shrieked. W&L tenured professor of English, Moses Malone, and assistent professor of publid speaking Jason Kidd were im- pressed by by the Stars’ come- back. “Shlbtuiytsmaptquk,” Kidd commented. p “Moses say they did good,” Malone mentioned. “I like the way they play. They play good like Moses do.” Fallon and Canfield were less enthused over the game. “We deserved to lose,” Fallon stated. “We would have lost to that poor excuse of a team if it hadn’t been for Muresan. I didn’t realize he was that lousy.” x “I never want to see a perfor- mance like this again,” Canfield mused. “Games like this make , me glad I won’t be coaching bas- ketball anymore.” The nightmare is over now,‘ and l’ll go back to sleep. When I wake up, just maybe l’ll turn on . HTS and hear, “Johnny 0 here, Go buy a» life you’ morons! Love, the. I . File Photo No one was injured in a plane crash at Wilson Field last week. Just ignore the annoying FAA guys. Just the facts: The Guru is on patrol. By OLD MAN GRANT Phi Sports Guru Wilson’s football career cel- ebrated: Michigan State University’s basketball team is out of the running for the national title, but a previous MSU cham- pionship group is getting back together. The 1952 college football na- tional champion Spartans are re- uniting to honor their former standout defensive back, John D. Wilson. Yes, our university president will be the guest of honor at the ESPN televised-Chris Albert hosted event on May 1 to cel- ebrate his retirement. “That team was a tremendous part of my life and it is an honor to be a part of this reunion,” said Wilson, a member of the Aca- demicAll-America Hall of Fame. Rumor has it that Wilson’s number “60/40” jersey will be retired during the ceremony, but organizers are mum on any pos- sible tributes. “John was the brick of that national title team and we will honor him in the appropiate way,” said former Wilson teammate and co-captain of the ‘52 Spartans, Sue Deutsch. Hottle off to Atlanta: Newly crowned national 200 back cham- pion Nathan Hottle will become Washington & Lee’s first swim- mer ever to compete in the Sum- mer Olympics. Hottle’s performance at the Division III nationals last week- end eamed the sophomore the automatic berth on the Team USA that will compete in Atlanta. “Nathan’s selection was a di- rect corelation to the scientifi- cally enhanced training methods that we employ on our swim- mers,” coach Page Remillard said, we think. Hottle was in his apartment Tuesday when he was informed by team co-captain Sue Deutsch of his Olympic selection. Farrar Becomes Lax Hall-of- Famer: Jim Farrar, W&L’s Di- rector of Alumni Programs and former lacrosse All-American, became the last member of the 1974 Generals to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame. “Jim made it? Are you kid- ding me?” was the reaction of Hall of Famer Ted Bauer. “I thought they had stan- dards?” said F arrar’s former part- ner on defense, Rob Lindsay. For the last ten years, Farrar was the only member of that 15- 1 squad not to be inducted into the Hall, located in Baltimore. All other players, coach Jack Emmer, assistant Chuck O’Connell, the equipment man- ager, the three fans that inspired the come-from behind win over Towson State, a Ring-tum Phi sports writer, and 12 former Southern Sem cheerleaders had all received the honor. The cheerleaders weren’t ac- tually used at W&L’s games, but the committee thought “what the heck.” One member of the ‘74 Gen- erals was happy for Farrar, sort of. “Well, since he’s standing in the background in that immortal photo of Teddy Bauer from the Hopkins game, I guess he de- serves it,” said former Generals’ co-captain Sue Deutsch. Keenan takes basketball helm: Mike Keenan, coach of the St. Louis Blues of the NHL, has signed on to take over W&L’s basketball program. “Even though Mike has never coached basketball before, we’re happy to have someone of his caliber agree to a long-term con- tract and commit himself to the rebuilding of the program,” said Mike Walsh, athletic director. Keenan announced he was leaving the Blues at the end of . the season because of a clause in his contract that allowed him to pursue a buyout if the GOP ever regained control of both houses, John Travolta got an Oscar nomi- nation, Weber State made the NCAA Tournament, Oil Can Boyd ever played baseball again, and a woman was elected presi- dent of W&L’s Student Conduct Committee. “Damn! Weren’t we lucky!” said Generals’ basketball co-cap- tain Sue Deutsch. The university is not con- cerned about losing Keenan after just one season, like the New York Rangers and St. Louis did. Apparently Keenan can only pur- sue a buyout if every surviving member of Ken Ruscio’s infa- mous 1990-91 freshmen “envi- ronmental hall” graduates by this June. “Sucker!” said Walsh. Ripken rolls on: Senior women’s lacrosse goddess Nicole Ripken played her 114th consecutive game in which she scored a goal with one second remaining. Yet, Ripken has continued to hear criticism that she is allow- ing the streak to affect her play. Some observers have claimed that she purposely holds the ball until the final second in order to keep the streak alive. “That’s absurd,” said assis- tant coach Jami “Pour this in your shot glass, Jac” Daningsburg. Ripken dismissed as possible evidence the recent game in which she held onto the ball for the final eleven minutes of the game, running circles around the field, then scoring with a second to go. “If I didn’t score with one second left, Keith would have nothing left to write about!” she said. The Generals continued to express their support of Ripken and her streak in a statement from team co-captain Sue Deutsch. Dadio trial enters day 41: The double-murder trial of Terry Dadiotookadramatictum Thurs- day with the testimony of W&L security guard Baner. Baner testified to finding a bloody glove in the back seat of his Ford Bronco, the vehicle that Dadio and Brenda Davis used in an escape from police custody last fall. Under cross-examination, the defense attempted to have Baner admit to being a sexist who hated Dadio and wanted all women to leave W&L. One-hundred-fourteen fresh- men women are scheduled to tes- tify in Baner’s defense. Dadio, head volleyball and women’s basketball coach, is being tried for the murder of her former lover J_.C. “Kato” Coyne and Jami Daningsburg, assistant.’ women’s lacrosse coach. Coyne, who was the assistant sports information director, had broke off the relationship after years of physical and emotional abuse by Dadio and had a re-‘ straining order against the former hoops star. The prosecution intends to use a taped 911 call by Coyne as evidence of Dadio’s threatening): and abusive temper. But according to Coyne’s former boss, Brian Logue, “J.C. wasa wimp, anyway.” Coyne and Daningsburg, a), “friend”, were murdered outside their Woods Creek apartments , last October. The defense alleges that Dadio could not have committed the murders due to injuries suffered V during her basketball playing career at Lafayette College. Judge Bob ItoMaria is ex- pected to rule tomorrow whether the defense can have Dadio re- , veal her allegedly scarred knees ' to the jury. The prosecution feels this will create too much of a distraction to the courtroom, but would like to see them, anyway. Help, I’m trapped in a living hell. Will somebody help me! This is the only message that I can sneak out from this God- awful place! The Phi is holding‘r me prisoner!