OCR::/Vol_105/WLURG39_RTP_20030401/WLURG39_RTP_20030401_001.2.txt 1 ‘Bionic’ surgery successful at Stonewall J or ALICE STEINBACH-KIRWAN ASSISTANT OPINIONS EDITOR Fearing reprisals for his unpopular abolishrnent of Spring erm, University President Tom Burish recently underwent an experimental procedure to dramatically alter his physique. “Behold the Overman,” Burish intoned at yesterday’s mess conference, his bass voice now six octaves deeper - than the previous mezzo-soprano. _ Burish currently stands nine feet four inches tall, with two additional arms and an extra head. He weighs 667 4 ounds, which, he assured reporters, “was all beefcake.” “Sure, I tried Creatine, Pilates, Power-Yoga, but noth- ing seemed to work,” Burish said. “I didn’t have the muscle mass to be an effective president. It was embarrassing at faculty meetings when (University Provost) Larry (Boetsch) a d to put me on his shoulders so everyone could see me.” Prior to his operation, Burish stood five feet seven inches and weighed in at 120 pounds. The surgery, the first of its kind, was performed in the - dvanced Experimental Ward of Stonewall Jackson Hospital. “Most people don’t realize how advanced Stonewall Jackson really is,” said University Physician Jane Horton. The surgery, while partially successful, did not fulfill all of Washington Hall ’s expectations: Burish remains un- le to fly, shoot eye-lasers or deliver compelling speeches. “All the same, it’s amazing what was accomplished,” , said Horton, who supervised the procedure. “We harvested body parts from Larry Boetsch, (Dean Students) David Howison, (Dean of the College) Tom illiains and (Philosophy Professor) Eduardo Velasquez. ‘ ough their deaths were regrettable, the whole is cer- inly greater than the sum of its parts,” Horton said. Of special interest is Boetsch’s head, which helps ordinate the movements of Burish’s five-foot legs. In ,, e of damage to the primary cranium, Boestch’s head assume temporary control of the body. “I applaud President Burish’s bold move,” said oetsch’s head. “He is truly an inspired leader who will V ow W&L to move to the next level.” _ , “Very little can stop Me now,” Burish agreed, extend- th.” Burish’s surprising move has caught opponents un- ‘pared. Already many Lexington locals have taken to - rshipping Burish as a god, leaving burnt offerings at . Lee House residence. Burish appears pleased with recent developments. “My will be done,” he said. BY Lucius ]uNius DESHA ‘ ool Washington and Grant Univer- this under the ra s time to shake things up.” somehow intervene. on at a recent press conference. He was referring to ence that is alcohol at Washington and Lee Univer- ,adamanti.ne.c1aws..thr0ugh sight-hand. i‘rhe_i3oa.rds I Faculty, the Student Body-alliwill gcower before My one. It is a natural progression for this BUSINESS MNAGER great institution. When I said in my inaugural speech that the only thing I I _ In a historic moment in Washing- would not consider changing was the nandLee Universityhistory, President Honor System, I wasn’t kidding.” m Burish announced today that ef- Student response has yet to be ' 've immediately, he has renamed the gauged, as Burish has managed to “fly ,” in the words of . Said Burish, “In light of the changes one dissenting University official who eseekto aocomplishatW&L. . .,Imeari, requested anonymity, “thus, not too &G; it presents a far more appropriate many people know yet.” However, an V d politically correct image to the out- information campaign hehned by sev- 1 ~ world. Besides, it’s been over 125 eral members of the student body aims since we last changed our name; to enlighten the entire campus of the change. The campaign will be headed This shocking announcement by former BC president John “no I mes hard on the heels of another sur- didn’t cheat” Comly. , ise recently sprung on the University Said sophomore Jackson Forrest mmunity, that Spring Term will be Hunter IV, “I just found out about this ' ' - deffective as of the 2003-2004 awful news from [Phil] a couple of min- : cademic year. Student outrage to the utes ago. I can’t believe Burish would .. oposal was so vociferous that yells do this.” He has promised that he and .v protest outside Washington Hall his fellow “rebel brothers” from the couldbe heard as far awayas Wal-Mart, Kappa Alpha Order will wage war where students held a similar protest. against the “Northem impostor who ‘s protest was an attempt to appeal has hijacked this fine school.” He ex- to the greater Lexington population to claimed, “The war’s not over yet, and the latest battle has just begun!” Burish explained, “This move Burish also announced another, ' should not come as a surprise to any- slightly less controversial move: he 005 H 1- 1/771 &L renamed Washington and Grant is installing an automatic garage door ing a couple of alumni to explain the opener for the Lee House garage. This situation and to ask them to write us decision is following an incident in another check with the new name, but the beginning of the year in which he they just hung up on me. Actually, I tried to shut the doors and student think this one guy had a heart attack outrage quickly prompted him to open and dropped to the floor, because it them again. Burish resolved that he sounded more like a ‘thump’ than a would find a way to ensure that his ‘click’ when the conversation ended.” vehicles will be protected from the el- When asked whether he thought ements. Said Burish, “Renaming the of consulting students about the school is the perfect way to ensure change and its potential conse- that Traveller can’t come home, so it quences, Burish replied, “Student doesn’tmatter anymore. Besides, [my voices only serve as a rubber stamp, wife] Pam and I miss being able to click anyway. It really wasn ’t necessary that little button and watching the and I wanted to get this put through doors open and close for us. Now we before the end of my first year. Any- can. And anyway, doesn’t moderniz- way, in four years’ time, it will be an ing the house a little bit just lend extra entirely new student body and no- flair to ourwhole progressive theme?” body will remember this whole af- In related news, Robert W.H. fair.” Mish, Director of Alumni Affairs, re- That remains to be seen: protestor ports having trouble depositing this Comly has vowed to stay on indefi- month’s batch of checks from alumni. nitely, and even join forces with ever- He said, “All of the checks are made angry alumnus David Keeling if nec- out to ‘Washington and Lee,’ so when essary. Said Comly, “Look, man, I’m I went to First Union earlier this afier- not going to put up with this noon to try and deposit these, they bull****. Who does Burish think he refused because the name on the ac- is, anyway? If you don’t believe in count is now ‘Washington and Grant.’ Washington and Lee traditions, please I don’t know what to do. I tried call— leave NOW!” Lex Po cracks down on student a cohol RING rig AMAZING BUT TRUE. In an amazing display on the Front Lawn this weekend, Young’s troops captured the recently-refigured Burish and are alledgedly forcing him to cage—dance in the Mason—New Room. Special: APRIL FOOLS DAY ISSUE WASHINGTON AND LEE UNIVERSITY " HI-TUM T/yr rfurirllf mile of Washington curl Lee Uuiurrrihpriurr 7897 (D Orr/rile of: ,ohi.zr/lu.eriu NG DEFEATS BURISH Young overthrows ‘Bionic’ VOLUME CV, N o.XXV TUESDAY, APRIL 1,2003 Burish; names himself president-for-life BY MATTIE BUTLER-SWORDS EDITOR IN BETROTHAL In a morning coup d’etat, Mike Young, former director of University Security, overthrew former-President Tom Burish and appointed himself “president-for-life.” Young, who also awarded him- self the Rectorship of the Board of Trustees, the Alumnus of the Year Award (First Class) and the rank of F ield-Marshall of the Rockbridge County Sherifi°’s office, addressed crowds on the Washington Hall bal- cony. “Washington and Lee was a fes- tering heap of decadence, falling five places in the U.S. News and World Reports rankings in six years,” Young said. “I rechristen this place the ‘Young World University,’ which will regain its former greatness through the sheer force of one man’s iron will.” Duke-Colonel Steve Tomlinson, formerly assistant director of Univer- sity Security, claims that Youngist forces control nearly all of the Uni- versity grounds. “There are still a few reactionar- ies sending sporadic fire from out of the Physical Plant building,” Tomlinson said. “The napalm drops in two hours.” Young seized power after build- ing a coalition between his elite W&L security officers and the VMI cadet corps, which swore allegiance to him after being promised the inhabitants of two of W&L’s five sororities. Though many were surprised at the palace coup ’s speed, others claim to have regularly monitored his weap- ons build-up. “We’ve been aware for years that Mike (Young) has been creating poi- son gas,” said Debra Kling, secretary in the Treasurer’s Office. “Anyone who’s sat near him during one of his Co-op lunches can tell you that.” Burish, easily captured during his I usual morning rim, is believed to be a cage-dancer in the Mason New Room, ‘ now renamed “The President—for- Life’s Palace of Pain and Pleasure.” “No more dancing,” the former president begged. “Please, no more dancing.” Burish has fared better than many in his irmer circle, many of whose skulls now form a commemorative pyramid in front of Young Chapel. Others have been consigned to harsh labor, supplementing the building crews already at work on the new Young Commons for the Harmonious Reeducation of the Students. Lexington, an economic depen- dent of W&L, has already pledged loyalty, renaming all of its streets af- ter Young, his hunting dogs and his favorite NASCAR racers. Former Mayor Clemp Dudley has been replaced by Cletus Didley, a member of the Youngist Party. “Finally, I can shoot parking vio- lators on sight,” said Marquis-Lieu- tenant Thomas ‘Baner’ Bane,” for- merly a Security Office sergeant. “Ver- ily, a great and glorious day has arisen.” Yellowbrick Road, a neighboring pre-school, has formed Lexington’s first Young-Youth group, which marches in uniform, chanting pro- Young slogans. Despite these developments, confidants of the new president-for- life are preparing for insurgency. Fearing possible assassination attempts from Burish-loyalists, Young has ordered the creation of body- doubles. Master of the Presidential ’ Kitchens Alexandre da Silva has been overseeing the candidates’ force-feed- ing and scalp-waxing. «vmafl news briefs to Datz crowns himself Unsung General of the Year William “Burr” Datz, chairman of the Student Success Committee, be- stowed the John Elrod Un-Sung General Award on himself in a lavish cer- emony this past Saturday. The award, named afier the previous W&L president, carries a $500 prize. Industry insiders claim the move was not unexpected. “Don’t tell anyone this, but Burr (Datz) hasn’t had a university pay- check in five months,” said Panhellenic advisor Theresa Glassman. “Dean (of Students David) Howison had to let him go after no one went to his leadership training seminars. “He really needed the money.” Several of Datz’s associates insist the award is fair. “Can you think of a man less-recognized on campus?” asked IFC advi- sor Matt Jacobs ’O2. “No one knows what he does. Hell, I’ve been working with him for a year, and I still don’t know what he does.” Datz insists, however, that he did not “buck” for the award. “To be honest, I’ve been promoting myself as much as I could,” Datz said. “Look at my hair, my canes, my odd nickname—I’ve been screaming for attention.” Although most of the $500 prize was spent in a post-award celebration at the Palms, Datz said he will use the remainder to buy a statue of himself for St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. Washington and Lee changes name to Washington and Lee By Amy CANDERSON truth is, we had believed that it was perfectly legal Cm EDITOR for anyone 18 and up to drink any sort of alcohol,” said Ray. “In fact, we thought it was legal for an “We’ve had enough, quite frankly, and it’s time for 18-year old to be drunk in public while carrying ' to stop,” said Dobert Ray, Sheriflf of the City of Lex- around two bottles of malt liquor.” “But one day, not too long ago, I had a dream, a the commonusage of alcohol onthe W&L campus. “Beer dream in which that chick from the Virginia State Sea], in public areas, students bragging about their level of you know, the one with the spear and the sword stand- ' intoxication, I teH you it’s ridiculous. Why, my sources ing over that one dude, you know who I’m talking I a - say that Greek organization even advertise the fact about. Anyway, she said to me, ‘Dobert, alllllllcohol . they have grain alcohol to fieshmen during ms .” laws, check the allllllllcohol lawwwwwssss! ! ! ’ So I , Ray promised quick and decisive action to end woke up that morning and started thumbing through hat he called the “problem, nay, I daresay pesti- the Virginia laws on alcohol.” But that wasn’t the only part of Ray’s revela- I .” However, he also acknowledged that the “pes- tion. “I was looking through it, and lo and behold, I tilence” had already gone on for far too long. “The it was illegal to be drunk in public. All the guys down at the station were absolutely shocked. I re- member Oflicer Mith-say said ‘It’s ILLEGAL for any- one under 21 to drink!! Can you believe that??! !” However, despite shock and amazement at the newfound rules, Ray promises to stop the thousands of lawbreakers at W&L. “We will have oflicers at Frat parties every night to ensure that underage drinkers are stopped. We will work with W&L security to make ” sure that the freshmen dorms are completely alcohol phatter’ more funky appeal’ free. And if the Greek organizations do not relent to our zealous law enforcement, we may have to monitor their purchases to keep them from buying alcohol.” Ray concluded the press conference by say- ing “It’s important that we take these steps now. After all, nothing builds disrespect for the law faster than letting it go unenforced.” In an effort to improve the W&L’s image with minority high school students, Board of Trustees Rector Frank Surface announced the college’s fifth name change since its founding in 1749. “Washington and Lee no longer stands for George.Washington and Robert E. Lee,” Surface said. “We have renamed it for (actor) Denzel Wash- ington and (director) Spike Lee.” “To be frank, having a college named afler two slave-holders doesn’t really help us ‘connect’ to young African Americans,” said Director of Admissions William Hartog. “The administration decided we needed a “By choosing two black entertaimnent fixtures, we hope to more readily appeal to that demographic,” Hartog said. Current busts and likenesses of the two generals will be removed inApril. Replacement images of Washington, 47, and Lee, 53, should be up soon after. “On the plus side, we don’t need to change our stationary,” Surface said. Surface also expressed hopes that alumni would not notice the change until afier the Summer Phone-a-thon. OCR::/Vol_105/WLURG39_RTP_20030401/WLURG39_RTP_20030401_002.2.txt 'l.‘.l.i__E:. PHr~'rj‘uM RING TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2003 PRIL FOOLS End of p Te means five ne sororities lFlLEl)l{O'l0 RECRUITMENT ROCKS! Sorority recruitment won’t be as easy as these Theta sisters had it Five new srats will ratchet up the competition BY Misnr Goc STAPH \\"RIn3R Washington and Lee’s sorority row is going to be a bit more crowded next year. Five new sororities will be joining the ranks of our five well-es- tablished ones beginning in the fall of 2003. Panhellenic and the W&L Greek community are proud to wel- come Delta Delta Delta, Delta Gamma, Sigma Sigma Sigma, Sigma Kappa, Phi Mu, and Delta Zeta, to our hallowed halls. The decision to invite these chapters to colonize was made at last week’s meeting of the Panhellenic Council afier much deliberation. “We discussed the possible outcomes of this decision for hours,” says Direc- tor of Student Activities and Panhell Advisor Teresa Glassman, “but in the end, we decided that the pros defi- nitely outweighed the cons. Come one, come all!” The reasons for this startling an- nouncement are based mostly upon the quota system implemented dur- ing sorority rush. According to this system, the number of girls going through recruitment is divided by the number of houses, thus deciding the size of each pledge class. For example, when 200 girls enter the rush process and there are five houses, each house has a quota of 40 new members. How- ever, with the five new chapters on campus, quota will be reduced to 20. This will present the females in the Greek system with numerous advan- tages. For one thing, smaller pledge classes will mean more intimacy. The new members will get to know each other much better than they currently do. It will also be significantly easier for new members and initiated sisters to become well acquainted with one another. “There’s often a gulf between the upperclassmen and new members. The lowered quotas will fix this prob- lem, y’all,” says Suzy Clark Wellington- Smythe, a junior who did not wish to reveal her sorority affiliation. Lowered quota will assure that everyone will make quota, as each house can surely find twenty girls that they find acceptable. Glassman stated that she is particularly excited about this aspect of it. “With ten sororities, every young woman will be sure to find her own special place. This way, we can guarantee that nobody falls through. With so many choices, how can you go wrong?” The question now arises as to how to house these new sororities. Clearly, each chapter must be given an equally impressive edifice to call home. “It wouldn’t be fair to give Chi O, Theta, KD, Kappa and Pi Phi the largest and best houses simply be- cause they were lucky enough to get here first,” says Panhell Council mem- ber Lee Taylor Barton, “We need to find a way to allocate sorority re- sources as fairly as possible.” Fortunately, the need for a read- justment of Frank Parson’s Way comes at a very auspicious time for Panhellenic. The President and his min- ions are on the brink of abolishing Spring Term while proposing a mas- sive tuition increase. These changes will result in a marked increase in Uni- versity funds. President Burish stated that “We have two options for all of this money we will be receiving. We can either use it to actively recruit a student body that will hate W&L and transfer, thus saving us more money, or we can use it to build five new so- rority palaces for the srat lords to in- habit.” Glassman feels certain that Panhell can use their collective femi- nine wiles to persuade the adrninistra- tion to adopt the latter proposal. The plan now, if Panhell does procure said funds, is to bulldoze the five standing houses and build ten smaller ones, all of which will be iden- tical in size and structure. However, the insides will each be painted in the sorority’s colors. “The new houses will be absolutely darling and so much fun!” said Glassman. The men of W&L are meeting the upcoming invasion of the sororities with mixed reviews. “On the one hand, our odds of scoring at mixers will be greatly increased, as we will have twice as many of these mixers each year. On the other han we’ll be forced to deal with double the number of freshman girls screaming songs about their new sororities on the morning after bid night. It will be a mixed bless- ing,” says sophomore fraternity mem- ber Johnson Anderson Howard VII. The Greek community of Wash- ington and Lee is anxious to see how these new chapters will adjust to life here. Says Glassman, “We’re enter- ing a new era here at W&L, one of universal peace and love for all on Frank Parson’s Way.” MORE GEN Kappa Kapppa Gamma/ construction crew mixer a success j I Saturday’s first-ever mixer between W&L’s Kappa Kappa Gamma and Lexington business Beetcherfield Construction went “marvelously,” accord- ~ ing to L. Treadway Devon, KKG president. “It’s about time we fmally saw men with muscles,” Devon said. “W&Lw boys are just so scrawny.” The mixer was held in the Kappa sorority house, which required the sus- pension of several of Panhellenic’s regulations, including the prohibition on alcohol. “I think it’s for a good cause,” said Panhellenic advisor Theresa Glassmari “At W&L, we try to help our students understand people from all backgrounds, i even the really poor and sucky ones.” ‘ At yesterday’s chapter meeting, Devon announced plans to mix with the local Kiwanis lodge. W “Sorry, 0lV&L fraternity Sigma Alpha Epsilon), you’re no longer the only game in town.” Burish to install electric doors on garage Betsy Cossaboon armounced on behalf of President Burish that bids are being accepted for installation of modern, electric doors for the Lee House Garage. ’ “The President wants to protect his automotive investments and is tired of those pesky cats,” said Cossaboon is a sparsely attended DuPont Audito- rium announcement held during Wednesday’s Spring Term forum. “Tommy didn’t want anyone to know about this, either,” she added in response to a question from local resident John “Johnnie” Blackmann. Pressed as to the whereabouts of Traveller’s ghost, Cossaboon responded “That old hag has long ago been sent to glue factory.” Bids for door installation are due outside Carol Calkin’s office in the Uni- versity Center by 5 p.m. Friday. Decagon vows to rival Cadavers in creepiness " W&L’s co-eds finally have an answer to the male-only Cadaver Society. This week the Decagon held its first secret meeting and promised that, i the areas of papering the campus with brightly-colored leaflets and sprz J painting Wilson Field, women’s voices would no longer be stifled. Mai Chantilly Beauregard, Grand Poohbette of the Decagon, speaking on conci A tion of anonymity, said, “For too long, boys have had all the fun with mystc ; rious secret meetings, creepy anonymity and campus notoriety. With the Dec. gon, my sisters and I promise to bring a women’s perspective to leaflet dI'0] ~ and spray art. Plus, women bring an artistic touch that is missing from tl. boring “C” and skull symbol of the Cadavers.” ‘ The Decagon reported that it plans to raise funds for the construction 0. a new bridge across the ravine. “Girls shouldn’t have to scrape their heels c that hideous concrete mish-mash,” spat High Prietess of Philanthropy, Allis Claudette Brightley Smithton. Learning Enlightening Girl Students (LEGS) President Susan C. Amaz approved, “It’s time that W&L closed the gender campus creepiness gap." \ “My new bionicly-enhancedbody will allow Me to destroy Spring Term and the Greeks unchecked.” ~ex-PresidentBu1ish, before his surgery atStonewall Jackson Hospital te of the Week Editor s Note: General Lee stopped spinning in grave THE PHI-TUM RING just long enough to pen this piece for the Phi. Founder J. the Ripper, 1898L When Torn Burish succeeded me as University Presi- dent last July, I was confident that the traditions I had both initiated and continued would be properly stewarded. I was nearly certain that the principles which governed my brief, but influential, administration would be carried into the 2 1 st century. Af- ter all, Burish was groomed at Vanderbilt, a fine Southern university its own right. PINIONS Lee: Burish is destroying my school One hard-earned lesson from the battlefield is that communi- cation is essential to the success of any campaign. Burish has alienated students and alumni by not involving them in the decision process or even informing them that Spring Term was under consideration. No doubt, many of them thought the issue was decided after last year’s faculty vote. Other key features of my administration were the mod- ernization of the curriculum and the cre- ation of the Journalism School. Today, Spring Tenn allows W&L to boast an im- _____ROBERT mense and varied catalog and to offer pro- PRESIDENT, 1865-70 Editor in chief Opinions Editor Arts & Life Editor Photo Editor Sports Editor Asst. News Editor Photographer Power Trippin’ I LuvU, Hilary TakesitdowntoParad'seCity Good Friend Haynes Picas? Is that a Frat? Lord of the Swords Didn’t De-pledge! Copy Editor Doesn’t Come to the Oflice Business Manager Uncle Cletus Circulation Director Get Well Soon! Advertising Assistant ? The Phi-tum Ring is published once a year during the undergraduate school year at Washington and Lee Univer- sity, Lexington, Virginia. The Washington and Lee Publi- cations Board is owned by the Editor in chief and The Phi-tum Ring otherwise rules the school. The Phi-tum Ring welcomes all irresponsible submis- sions and letters. Submission is in the University Center mail- box at 5 pm. every Friday. Pictures appear in the following week’s edition. The Phi-tum Ring deserves the right to broad- cast submission for fun and profit. Letters and columns prob- ably reflect the opinion of The Phi-tum Ring, especially ones from crazy “alumni.” We don’t get advertising, because Uncle Cletus ain’t too bright. This newspaper laughs in the face of current court definitions of libel and obscenity. The Phi-tum Ring Mailing Address: University Center Washington and Lee University Lexington, Virginia 24450 Street Address: 31 Washington Street Lexington, Virginia 24450 Telephone: (540) 462-4060 Fax: (540) 462-4059 Email: ring@wlu.edu http://ring.wIu.edu Annual Subscription Rate: One Meeellyon Dollars Although the beginning of his term began less than auspiciously when he shut the doors to my garage, preventing Traveller’s ghost from entering his stall, the rest of his term has been an unexpected and unprecedented train wreck. It began more than 100 years after the end of my tenure, but Spring Term is, without doubt, one innovation that has pleased me to no end. At the conclusion of the War of Northen Aggression, I fielded offers from throughout the country to head cor- porations, speak to organizations and lead many universi- ties. I chose Washington College because education was the surest way to bring together a nation ripped asunder. I strived to make Washington College a national univer- sity so young men from the South and the North could be educated as the next generation of leaders of a united people. Burish’s ill-considered actions threaten to tear apart a University dedicated to national unity. Regardless ofhis feelings about the value of Spring Term, he has grossly mismanaged the public relations of the issue. “Burish is best.” -Erin Julius, brainwashed grams, such as Washington Term, music trips to London, art trips to Italy, and finance trips to Ger- many, which furflrer enrich the curriculum. Eliminating Spring Term would greatly impinge on the University’s ability to offer the varied curriculum I began to build 138 years ago. Finally, so many colleges and universities through- out the nation are working to fit a mold defined by “The Princeton Review” or “U.S. News and World Report’s” rankings. W&L has always been a unique and special institution that attracts young men, and now women, dif- ferent from the cookie-cutter students at Amherst and Swarthmore. Next to the Honor System, few aspects of the school define it more completely than Spring Term. To remove it now, especially for financial reasons, would be disastrous to a well-earned reputation for difference. I think General Washington would join me in coun- seling Burish that one should never let money make one ’s decisions. Wouldyou rather have world “Boo world peace. :4 ,, -Brett Kirwan, cranky conservative -Katie Howell ‘04 Thomas, watch carefully how you govern my school. with the Phi outside Lee Chapel this past Wednesday. ' Goo Plum; Hiwns TheP/ri-t1mIRirr,g ' DEAD MEN DO "rm TALES. General Lee in his interviei’ “finitel OT Asher Simcoe.” -Kate Guy, ‘04 “Like, duh, Spring Term.” -Jeb! Brooks ‘05