OCR::/Vol_097_098/WLURG39_RTP_19970401/WLURG39_RTP_19970401_001.2.txt Che fling—t1tm Ifllri 1' VOLUME 98, NUMBER 666 ,-K t I I I I I 4. ALL NUDE, ALL THE TIME: The W&L Art Department will be holding a porn exhibit, Tuesday in duPont Auditorium. This is the first in a series of events the Art Department is planning in order to expand its horizons. Next week they will be presenting a series on decorative taxidermy. LEYBURN HOSTS STORY TIME: Leyburn Library will be holding a special ‘read-aloud’ story time for kids six and under. The event will be held in Northern Auditorium on Thursday. Some examples of the works which will be read include excerpts from novels by Stephen King, the Book of Revela- tion and poetry by Charles Manson. BRING YOUR OWN SACRIFICE: A symposium hosted by the English department will be held in Lee Chapel at 5 p.m. Friday. The symposium entitled “Starting Your Own Cult: People Will Like You,” will feature discussions on everything from demon summoning to recog- nizing your ride off the earth. For more information, contact Satan via the Registrar. W&L WANTS YOUR GOAT: Due to the sudden breakdown of all Building and Ground’s lawn equipment, the University asks all students with grazing farm animals to bring them to the Hill on Friday to help graze down the grass. Note: To protect your animal’s safety, all goats must be off the lawn by 5 p.m. as not to coincide with the cult symposium. OUTING CLUB SHOWS SKIN: To celebrate the opening of the Art Department’s porn exhibit, the W&L outing club will be hosting a nude party in the Dell on Tuesday. Party goers are asked not to stare too hard at President Elrod if he decides to attend. JOIN DRUG SUPPORT GROUP: Local area residents and W&L professors have teamed up to try to teach drug awareness to the Rockbridge area commu- nity. The group will meetron Tuesday nights;' - I- ~ I GHQ’ SERVES SPECIAL MEAL: After the cult symposium in Lee Chapel on Friday, the GHQ Bistro 9000 X V0.9 Beta will be holding a special meal for all attendees of the event. The menu will include roast lamb, Rocky Mountain oysters and applesauce laced with Phenobarbital. Shots of vodka will be sewed for dessert. DO YOU WANT TO DANCE: The music department at W&L will be sponsoring a class on how to dance the Lambada. The unique aspect ofthis event is attendees will be taught the dance using inflatable turtles. Classes will be held on Thursday and Friday. For more information, please contact the music department. PSYCHIC TO SPEAK IN CHAPEL: On Saturday, three psychics from the highest peaks of Tibet will speak in Lee Chapel. The talk, entitled “What Your Dead Relatives Say Behind Your Back,” will cost $3.50 for the first minute and $1.50 for each additional minute. For more information, concentrate and they will contact you. WE HATE YOU, TOO: Do you think no one likes you? Do you feel like you are the least popular person on the Hill? Well, you’re right. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH: Blah blah blah, ba blah ba ba blah. Blah blah, blah ba-blah ba blah blah blah; blah ba blah. Ba blah blah blah, blah ba blah blah blah blah blah. “It was great!” —COl\'%PlLED BY Yo’ MoMMA WASHINGTON & LEE UNIVERSITY Bulk Rate US Postage APRIL 1, 200 1 President Elrod tours with Kl BY I.P. FREELY PHI STAFF WRITER President Elrod sent a letter to the Trustees last week informing them of his leave of absence starting spring term and lasting throughout 1997. Details of the letter were leaked to The Ring-tum Phi. In it, Elrod told the trustees that he had to “follow his dreams,” and went on to say, “this is an opportunitythat few collegiate presidents get. I think that it will help the University’s ex- posure.” This evidently in- cludessubbingin for Kissbass player Gene Simmons. Elrod has been a long-time friend of several Kiss mem- bers. Inthemid-l970’saKiss spokesperson said, “Our makeup and outfits are inspired after those actually worn by John Elrod.” Over the years, Elrod has written freelance songs forthe band. His credits include “Lick it up,” “I Like it Loud,” and the smash hit “Rock ‘n’ Roll All Nite.” “It was a shame he left the band, but at his successes, we support him one hundred percent.” said Kiss guitarist. “He is a kick-a** bass player and a real asset to the band.” Elrod’s announcement came as a major shock to the Trustees. “I respect his decision,” Gerry Lenfest said. “His reasons were solid and his motives were clear. I think the University should stand solidly behind President Elrod.” Also leaving the University will be David Howison, who signed on after Elrod asked him to be a Kiss roadie. ‘‘I’m excited,” said Howison, “this is like all my childhood dreams come true.” Many other professors have stated they would like to go on tour with Kiss as well, but their classes do not permit it. “I would love to go out and groove with Kiss,” Lloyd Dobyns of the jour- nalism department said. “Unfortu- nately, Ijust don’t have time with my classes and my techno band’s rigorous funk practice sessions.” Elrod and Howison willjoin the band in Richmond on Wednesday. Mimi Elrod will join them in San Francisco. > o P I N I o N ‘ Our opinion is that you suck. Your haircut is ugly, you have terrible B0 and you have a really fat butt. Your mother must have been Dr. Ruth. 5 FEATURES Dr. Ruth speaks in tongues and then shaves her head. Squir- rels attack! Dastardly Dave reviews the finest in porn. “They're all four stars!” Dave says. It is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. NEXT I SS U E : The Fling-tum Phi speaks to the dead. BY RICKY ARNEZ PHI STAFF WRITER W&L student goes Mexicano Senior Steve Frame has given up hisjob search for after graduation. Although Frame has been offered management-track positions by several Fortune 500 companies, he has decided to persue a career : as a guitarist with a strolling mariachi band. I SpringTerm, Frame will intern at El Puerto Mexi- I can Restaurant. “I’m really glad l’ll be able to spend I [Spring Term] getting practical experience in my I field,” Frame said. “El Puerto actually has been . very supportive ofthe arts since its opening. For g a while, they had a woman who would dance on the bar during the break between lunch and j dinner.” Beverly’Lorig, director of the Career Develop- ment and Placement Office, helped arrange Frame’s internship. “This is another of our many success stories. We’re really quite proud of Steve. We’re still exploring options for after graduation, but ’ right now we’re thrilled with his internship. If we can’t get anything solid by June, Steve isjust going to go to Tiajuana and see what he can find.” ' ' Frame's musical career is a success story. He got his start entertaining people during the Mr. W&L contest in 1994. He has high hopes for the mariachi band and hopes to eventually become the most well known mariachi player in all the funky IIl1lSiC world. Easter Bunny captured by locals Apparently, the Easter Bunny was making his Easter rounds, stealing all of the children’s eggs in the areain order to make a giant omelet when local hunters caught sight of him. “I wasout lookingfordeer to kill and decapitate forawall- hanging, when I caught sight of his ugly yellow hide.” Rockenheimer said. “He was standing with his back to me. I think he was relieving himself.” Rockenheimer went on to explain he quickly loaded some tranquilizer darts into his rifle and opened fire. “When all my buddies heard me shooting, they all started firing too. We were lucky that they were shooting tranqs too or that big Bunny would be full of holes instead of full of dope,” Rockenheimer said. The Easter Bunny was taken to the Lexington Police Department where he was booked and thrown into the drunk tank to sleep off the tranquilizers. Photo by Cheech and Chong BY SANTA CLAUs PHI STAFF WRITER The most wanted criminal since Charles Manson was captured thismomingat approximately 5:30 a.m. The Easter Bunny, wanted in all 50 states, was shot 43 timesby local area hunters’ tranquilizer guns. “He went down like a 80 pound bag of manure,” Keith R. Rockenheimer, a Lexington resident, said. The Bunny, who has been sought after by the police, the national guard and all fourdivisions of the armed forces, was wanted for breaking and entering, kidnapping, libel, slander, drunk in public, indecent exposure, petty larceny, bad taste, terrible body odor and the murder of the Energizer Bunny, who was found battery-less last Friday, his drum torn from his mangy pink hide. Photo by The Tooth Fairy The men who shot the Easter Bunny look at their prisoner. Photo by Uh...I forget Photo by Seymore Butts In another decisive move, the Lex P.D. made another huge bust which turned up a whole lot of crack. Big Mouth gets beaten BY THE INSTIGATOR AND THE BALL BOY Pm STAFF WRlTERS Freshman Kevin MeManemiII, who in last week’s Phi suggested fraternities “create new methods of socially acceptable torture” for their pledges,is now eating his words. It seems the brothers of the house McManemin pledged have taken him up on his offer. Last Friday, McManemin was taken to Schenectady, New York’s infamous red-light district. Upon arrival, McManemin reports, he was forced to drink horse semen. “It really is a lot like Pabst and Natty Light,” McManemirI said. “ I was just making that up when I wrote it in my column.” McManemin was paddled, forced to define and use the word “delineate” in a sentence, figure out the meaning of life, change his socks and make passes at inanimate objects. McManemin was hit with a brick the size of a ham, a ham the size of a brick, the BBC’s Mr. Bean (actually, Mr. Bean was unavailable, but a very good imitator stepped in) and a ham the size of Mr. Bean. While he was being pummeled, McManemin was forced to chant the Greek alphabet, “Ohm, shanti shanti,” “We are the knights who say NI!” and “Hello Mudda/Hello Fadda/Here I am at/Camp Grenada.” When all of the torture and chanting was over, the brothers and McManemin returned to Lexing- ton, where McManemin was welcomed into the full brotherhood and given a pack of gum and a coupon book. McManemin says of his experience in Schenectady, “I never knew Schenectady really had a red light district. Now that l’ve been there, I have to say that with the right advertising, Schenectady could give Amsterdam 21 run for its money.” “It’s really good to be in a fraternity with a sense of humor about initiation rituals,” McManemin said, “but I wonder ifl shouldn’t have joined one of those fraternities that just beats you for an hour.” OCR::/Vol_097_098/WLURG39_RTP_19970401/WLURG39_RTP_19970401_002.2.txt R 0 THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS V & 6 GUEss THE PAGE NUMBER, WIN A PRIZE Pledgelhzer ll BY ANToNIo BANDERAS PHI UNICYCLE REPAIRMAN azer, Inc. has supplied W&L fra ternities with a new toy for Hell Week. The PledgeTazer appeared at Wash- ington and Lee last week. The inven- tion, which promises to “outperform any boring old paddle,” is designed to give fraternity pledges a shock of elec- tricity when it comes into contact with a pledge posterior. A spokesman for Tazer, Inc., ap- peared at W&L last Thursday. “Tazer, Inc., feels that the fra- ternity system offers a large po- tential for sales,” Pat Youontheheadwitharock said. ‘‘It is the belief of Tazer, Inc., that the violent act of hazing and those who participate in it can benefit from the use of our product. We are making every effort to extend fraternity brothers our support.” Commenting on the apparent popu- larity of the product, Youonthehead- witharock said, “Who would want to use a paddle when they can fulfill their sadistic fantasies on unsuspecting boys with thou- sands of watts of Tazer Power?” “On behalf of the Interfraternity Council, I would like to extend our thanks to Tazer, Inc.,” IFC President Anthony Mazzarelli said. “We feel that thisisjustthe sortofkickinthe pantsthe fraternity system needs, no pun intended.” Mazzarelli acknowledges that along with new pleasures, PledgeTazer offers new responsibili- ties. “We are tightening our restric- tions on fraternities to avoid abuse of the PledgeTazer,” Mazzarelli said. “However, we recognize that we can’t watch fraternities all the time, so brothers will basi- cally be able to do whatever they want most of the time, no matter how many rules we make.” “Ithinkthewholething’sabsurd,” Professor Holt Merchant, Professor of History,said. “Students already cometo my classes drunk. Now they’re going to be armed, too. In my personal opinion, it’s not good to combine alcohol and handheld weapons.” The popularity ofthe device on campus seems to have carried over to the commu- nity. The Lexington Police llls Hell Week Department, realizing the PledgeTazer’s usefulness, has placed an order with Tazer, Inc. “Wc’re not exactly sure what we’ll use them for,” Officer B. Eatyouwithmynightstick said. “But we’re getting sort oftired ofourthree- wheeled parking enforcement thing, and we need something new to play with.” Letters from concerned parents of freshmen have begun to arrive in Washington Hall. “Naturally, parents are concerned that their children are going to be harmed as a result of the use of this device,” President Elrod said. “And their concerns arejustified. Freshmen get hurt here.” Fora while, at least, the PledgeTazer will be prevalent on campus. “ljust love this thing,”Joe Hardon, a brother at a W&L fraternity, said. “Sometimes I even use it on myself. It’s hard as hell to paint, though.” Leyburn library razed BY HONG’ KONG FUEY PHI #1 SUPERGUY Rarely has destruction been such a cause for celebra- tion. The recent destruction of Leyburn Library, considered long overdue by many in the Washington and Lee commu- nity, rid the university of one of its greatest blights. The day was a cause for campus- wide celebration. “We’ve been planning this for months,” President “John John” Elrod said. Afterafare- well speech, in which Elrod promised a more aesthetically pleasing future, a small ther- monuclear warhead was deto- nated in sub level three of the library, leveling the building and drawing applause from the throng of people who had come to see the building’s demise. The event was fol- lowed by a concert featuring Elrod’s latest band, Kiss. (Please see the News page for more information.) Leyburn Library will be replaced with a new structure which will embody some of V the administration’s plans for future building projects. The " new “hyper—library,” as it is 3 already being called by many ‘on campus, will include: a parking garage, a student union, a movie theater, an ice skating rink, four sorority houses, a GNC supercenter and a library. The new hyper-library is being funded by a donation left to the university by a wealthy Texan alum. “Thank God for Texas,” Elrod said. “Because of the alum’s donation, we won’t have to worry about what to name the hyper-library, un- like that [expletive] science building.” University administration has begun to work with the architect in charge of design- ing the new building to en- sure that Leyburn Library’s replacement will fit in with the rest of campus. “Columns: it has to have lots and lots of columns,” Elrod said. Before it was destroyed, certain essentials were re- moved from Leyburn Library and retained sothat they could beinstalledinthe newlibrary. “We kept those boss or- ange chairs,” Dick Grefe, Se- nior Reference Librarian, said. “The students seem to love those. We also kept all our microfiche terminals be- cause they remind me of in- struments I see on ‘Star Trek.”’ Nice rod, Dick: for sake of esthetics Photo by Bootsy Collins (actually, the mothership gave it to him) Dick Grefe, Senior Reference Librarian, stands triumphantly over the remains of Leyburn Library. The builing's demise was celebrated by all, as was Grefe’s Viking costume, which he referred to fondly as “Wanda.” The new hyper-library will be more geared toward the student and their needs. “All of the fishbowls will be outfitted with condom machines and sliding covers for the windows on the doors so that students will better be ableto,um,study,”Grefesaid. “Also, we will install special red light phones linked di- rectly to professors’ offices to allow students to call and plead for extensions right from the library.” Grefe promises that the new library will not stand tallcrthanthestatueofGeorge Washington. “We’ve eliminatedalotof need for space by throwing away books and things that no one ever uses,” Grefe said. “We got rid ofall our texts on British naval poetry. I never read that crap: I don’t know why anyone else would.” Grefe does not seem too concerned about the loss of one ofthe campus’ buildings. “Thewholethingwasslip- ping into the Dell anyway,” Grefe said. “Besides, it was ugly. Between you and me, I hear that the Woods Creek Apartments will be the next to go.” The new library should be completed some time after you graduate, because that’s the way these things always work. BY RASPUTIN ’ PHI DANGER SPECIALIST Students who go to the front lawn to “study” while they soak up the sun will find some old friends waiting for them. The Earth Mounds, following their interstellar travel to the far reaches of outer space, have returned to campus and reseated themselves in front of Tucker Hall. Their visit has sparked interest both on campus and in the scientific community. Havingleft without explainingthe purpose for their trip, the Earth Mounds claim they had a good rea- son to go. “We needed dates for FD,” Head Earth Mound said. “Sure, there are plenty of attractive, intelligent, fun female Earth Mounds around here, but let’s just say there are certain ‘advantages’ to taking an Earth Mound from offcampus, ifyou know what I mean. “Besides, if the female Earth Mounds want dates, they can find plenty of physically-fit, well—man- nered Earth Mounds over at Earth Mound Military Institute who will probably behave far more like gentle- men than we ever would,” Head Earth Mound said. Unfortunately, the Earth Mounds were detained in their travels, return- ing too late to attend FD. “We stopped at a Chinese restau- rant outside of Sector 7,” Head Earth Mound said. “They serve drinks to just about anyone there. We would have came back in time for FD, but by the time I had my third ‘Volcano,’ I didn’t even know where I was.” An official NASA spokesman, vis- iting the campus to observe the be- havior of the Earth Mounds, com- mented on the significance of the Earth Mounds’ return. “What’s really incredible is that they all returned to exactly the same place,” Guy Withallyourtaxes said. “These Earth Mounds had as much of a: chance of returning to the same exact spots from which they left as Bob Dole had of getting elected, which was not a very good chance at all.” Representing the administration of Washington and Lee University, President John Elrod expressed his pleasure over the return of the Earth Mounds. “I am always glad when mem- bers of another culture come to our fine university,” Elrod said. “I know the student body here is about as culturally diverse as the faculty.” The Earth Mounds are pleased with the interest they have gener- ated. “We’re hoping that they’ll name the new science building after us,” Head Earth Mound said. “I think ‘The Big Earth Mound’ vslould make a lovely name for a building.” Unfortunately, the Earth Mounds’ visit will not last for long. “We’ll have to leave by the end of the semester,” the Earth Mounds explained. “We won’t have anything to eat then because Food Services will make our Food Debitaccountsdisappearlike Tom Arnold’s career, never to be seen again.” At least some people on cam- wxouwels return Frowx outer space pus will be happy to see them go. “If they don’t leave soon, I’m going to have to tow them all,” Baner said. “And right after that, I’m going to go get a real hair- cut.” I smell, and my socks don’t match: Professor George Bent shows off his big, metal, gas- powered tool. And he can’t play piano, either. hoto courtesy of Mork from Ork Frolernilg house mother arrested for public nudilg BY DIONNE WARWICK PHI PSYCHIC CORRESPONDENT Delta Tau Chi’s housemother Emerald Flame displayed her true talents to the brothers Friday night. Known as the “most limber” house- mother on campus, Flame proved her talents true and upheld her reputation. When Washington and Lee security entered the basement of DTC hoping to find illegal pledge hazing, they instead found Flame involved in another form of fraternal bonding. “She was involved in questionable acts. She has been known to have a history of such activity” was all that Director of Security Mike Young would say. ’ Flame has been arrested previously for indecent exposure after frolick- ing nude on the front lawn of W&L. “She really added to the picturesque landscaping,” Senior Richard Nutz said. “I like to sunbathe nude, and those nasty bathing suit line are really annoying,” Flame said when asked why she was clothed in such a fashion. “Emerald is a very talented woman and does a lot for the fraternity,” President John W. Elrod said when asked why she was kept on after her arrest. Flame was escorted to Lexington City Jail where she is under the personal custody of Police Chief W. F. Smith. She has not been charged. Rita Fitz, a neighbor of the fraternity house, claims that Flame comes and goes at rather strange times and “much too frequently in my opinion.” Other neighbors state that Flame is known to frequent one house more than any other— that of Police Chief Smith. Before moving to Lexington, Flame lived in Amsterdam and Las Vegas where she says she was finishing her education. “Everyone here in Lexington is so nice to me,” Flame said, “My boys are the best.” Questions have arisen as to whether Flame will keep her job. “She is a very caring housemother, and she’s hot,” Elrod said. Flame has been in counseling for repressed sexuality and states that she feels that she is getting better. “I have so much support from the boys,” Flame said, “They want to see me get better and are willing to help in any way that they can.” Smith refused to comment saying that he felt that he did not know enough about the situation. Flame feels she will receive the best treatment while in Smith’s care. The brothers of DTC feel that Flame is the best housemother they have ever had. “She won’t let us want for anything,” Tim said, “She will bend over backwards to make us happy.” Photo courtesy of Larry Flynt Fly like a beagle: Emerald Flame, Delta Tau Chi’s multi-talented housemother, displays the flexibility which has made her a favorite in the house. W&L campus switches from Pepsi to Coke BY THE CANADIAN PIRATE PHI “EH” EXPERT The event that's been more greatly anticipated than the return of "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan has finally arrived——Washington and Lee University has moved into the twentieth century by switching to Coca- Cola. Products bearing the Coca-Cola trademark will be available across campus startingtoday. Students will no longer have to brave the dangerous path which leads to the back ofthe science building construction site, or the far more dangerous path which leads to Reid Hall to find their beverage of choice. Taking a break from his busy touring schedule with the hit rock group KISS, President "John John" Elrod commented on the University's deci- sion. "Why do you think we have so many deans, anyway?" Elrod said. "We get paid to make this sort of command decision." Responding to opposition to the change, Elrod Claimed that the two beverages are very much alike and that fans ofone beverage should at least sample the othe '. "Coke and Pzpsi are like Lexington cousins," Elrod said. "Only their mamas can tell them apart."